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Matt will then proceed to cry and eat a whole cheesecake.
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DATCLAIMER: Many of the things in this report are untrue. In fact,
many of the things you encounter in your everyday miserable life are untrue.
So deal with it. Punk.
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DE OTHER CLAIMER: There's a Claimjumper in Buena Park. Parking your
car there and not locking the door is a bad idea.
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT VOLUME 2, ISSUE 1 -- 08/28/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as the Ape Shall Ever Kill Human Foundation.)
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Worth its wait in gold.
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PLANET OF THE HERETICS
During his exciting four-day visit in New York this summer, Matt had
the opportunity to watch all five digitally remastered Planet of the Apes
movies. While many have enjoyed this post-apocalyptic view of planet earth
and taken its anti-nuclear message to heart, few realize that beneath the
fuzzy faces of the Planet of the Apes lies a hateful message of anti-Catholicism.
Most facets of futuristic ape civilization are controlled by the orangutans,
who control science and religion. This is similar to the theocratic regime
enjoyed by the pre-reformation Catholic Church (known back then simply
as "the Church"). As if the stubborn marriage between science and religion
weren't Catholic enough for you, these ministers are orangutans, meaning
they have orange fur, which establishes an undeniable connection with the
contemporary stereotype of the fire-headed Irish Catholic.
The only ones who can challenge this oppressive system are the
chimpanzees, with pale faces and bown hair, giving them a decidedly English
Protestant look (not to mention their smug facial expressions bastard chimps).
Zira, one of the more prominent chimps, refers to the orangutans as "Blinkered,
pseudoscientific geese" in Escape from the Planet of the Apes, hinting
that the rational chimps are far superior to their Irish Catholic overlords.
And as if this religious persecution weren't bad enough, the
makers of the film had to throw a dash of racism into the blend by making
the dark-skinned gorillas violent and warlike, which is the image that
the "good-hearted" British colonists fostered during their conquest of
Africa. Don't believe the hatred, people. Chimps are evil.
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GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, YOU LOOSE-LIMBED TROLLOP!
Matt has just returned from late-night dash to Safeway to buy hisself
some toothpaste and orange juice. The trip, alas, was filled with ordeal.
Since this is the first Friday night since classes began, the campus and
environs are crawling with drunken freshmen (mainly freshwomen) who like
to disobey traffic signals and be a general nuisance. Is it any wonder
that Berkeley's reputation for sexual assault is second only to that of
the University of Redlands? Right now, there are hundreds, nay, thousands
of nubile young women staggering around with imparied motor skills and
poor judgement who won't remember a damn thing tomorrow morning. If Matt
has fewer scruples and more initiative he'd never complain about sex again.
Stupid scruples.
The Berkeley student body seems to be comprised mainly of people
who are emotionally scarred or otherwise messed up in some form or another
yet nonetheless have things pretty much together. This makes for an interesting
life philosophy, which can be summed up as "Someday I'm going to be strong
and independent and make a difference in the world, but in the meantime
I'm going to put myself in as many potentially victimizing positions as
possible." Popular potential victimizing positions include advertising
the goods while drunk at midnight as well as dating girls from Sigma Kappa.
Incidentally, this strange dynamic also accounts for the disproportionate
number of Cal folk on the Real World and Road Rules. The casting directors
firgured this out during one of their meetings when Mary Ellis-Bunim said,
"No, no, check this out. These Berkeley kids, right? They're like, smart,
but they're also reeeeeeeally messed up! So they'll, like, yell at people,
but then they'll be all intellectual sounding during their confessionals!
Yeah!"
As far as the University of Redlands is concerned, Matt's theory
regarding the popularity of rape at that particular campus is simply the
lack of anything better to do. This conversation surely happens several
times each night. Two guys in their dorm room:
"You finish all your Comm Dis homework?"
"Yeah."
"Wanna go get coffee?"
"Nah."
"Wanna go get some?"
"Sure. I'll get the roofies."
Unbeknownst to many, sexual assault is actually accepted at the
U of R, provided the proper contract has been signed and notarized.
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SPEAKING OF BERKELEY...
Could it possibly be any more difficult to drive in this city? We all
pay three hundred thousand dollars a year for parking, the least the witless
socialists in City Hall could do is make the streets the least bit accessible.
Whoops! Can't drive down this street! There's a giant stone barrier in
the intersection! Forget about driving down Parker! There's an ever-watchful
firebreathing Gryphon guarding the path! Uh, oh! This street has a giant
boulder rolling across it! And check out those restless natives throwing
rocks and spears! This is socialism for you, people. They pass a city ordinance
keeping McDonald's as far from campus as possible, and yet half the population
is homeless schizophrenics and they can't get a landlord to charge less
than a thousand dollars a month for a studio with no kitchen. Is this what
it's like in Norway?
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You see, she was driving back from Banff, and she hit a bear, and when
she got back, it was on the median! Explain that, Heisenberg!
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MATT'S CONUNDRUM OF THE WEEK
What's Bo Jackson up to these days?
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IT'S A SMALL WONDER AFTER ALL
Small Wonder sucked mad ass more than any other mad ass-sucking sitcom,
but it sure gave us a lot of trivia. Answer the questions and Matt will
lick your forehead.
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1. The fat little bastard who played Jamie Lawson shares his name,
but not his identity, with what squash-maiming musician?
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2. What ditzy remark served as Joan Lawson's catch phrase, which she
uttered whenever her robotical engineering husband Ted went off on one
of his complicated scientific explanations that no fool woman would be
able to understand (according to the show's writers, anyway)?
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3. What did the acronym VICI stand for?
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4. What was the name of Vici the robot's evil twin, who appeared in
two separate episodes that nonetheless had the exact same plot?
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5. During the opening credit sequence, the first thing we see is Ted
Lawson doing what?
We thought it was just a stop sign, but it turns out that it's a tunnel
that goes in both directions, but only five minutes for each direction!
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CONVERSATION-ICIDE
Ever find yourself in a conversation that you're just aching to leave?
Well, just memorize these simple words and phrases and work them into your
speech to instantly kill any discourse.
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Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
Magnetically Confined Nuclear Fusion Reactor
Quantization of Angular Momentum
Weltanschauung
Pedophilia
Small Wonder
"Very" Small Wonder
Huge Wonder
Dental Plan (Lisa needs braces!)
Arian White
Your own club that you started just for yourself.
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SPECIAL THANKS
To Jon Gunn and Steve Martainburn for inspiring this week's conundrum.
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SPECIAL SAUCE
It's just thousand island dressing with little bits of snot, people.
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SPECIAL RELATIVITY
It only applies in inertial reference frames.
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SPECIAL OFFER
Act now and you won't have to act later!
SPECIAL BONUS
There's one more!
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SPECIAL BOLUS
Boluses are great. A bolus is a ball of saliva and food that your tongue
makes just before you swallow. If you're quick enough you can get that
bolus out into the world and freak out some Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts hate
boluses.
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It's good to be back.
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
THE MATT HOLOHAN CLUB
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234