Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 9 -- 06/04/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as the No Homers Club)
h
THE MARTYRDOM OF SAINT ERASMUS
A Choose Matt's Own Adventure Story
h
Earlier this week Matt and a few of his chums were at a local liquor
store in search of beer. Whilst the intrepid group was browsing the shelves
of overpriced bottles of inebriation, a girl happened along, who was also
browsing, and said to them, "Is it me or are the prices here really expensive?"
Matt, being the witty scamp that he is, replied, "Yes, people often *whine*
about the prices here."
h
If you like Matt, go to ending #1.
If you dislike Matt, go to ending #2.
If you are indifferent toward Matt, go to ending #3.
h
Ending #1
The girl laughed hysterically at Matt's joke, and once she had recovered
herself she asked, "What's a brilliant and handsome humorist like you doing
hanging out with a bunch of slack-jawed malacas like these guys?" To which
Matt replied, "I often ask myself that exact same question." At this point
Matt and the girl left the store and went back to the young lady's apartment
for a night of wild, passionate, polyorgasmic sex. The End.
h
Ending #2
Everyone present groaned at Matt's retarded pun, and Matt's friends
decided to ditch him and go with the girl to a local dance party. They
all had a wonderful night of drunken polyorgasmic sex, but Matt just went
home and watched Three's Company. The End.
h
Ending #3 (This, incidentally, is what really happened.)
No one heard the joke at first. The other guys just agreed with the
girl and she went merrily on her way. Only after she was gone did Matt
repeat his joke, and the consensus amongst the group was that it was better
that she hadn't heard it. After buying a teeny tiny keg of German apple
juice-flavored beer, the boys drove to another friends house and after
they finished discussing the girl's anatomy they enjoyed a night of off-beat,
irreverent Space Ghost episodes. The End.
h
COPEPODS: FRIENDS TO MAN AND BEAST
A Treatise on the Virtues of Telecommunication
h
Matt had two phone job interviews this week. At first he thought they
were kind of weird, and that they would put him at a distinct disadvantage
since he wouldn't be able to use his hot ass to sway the interviewer's
decision. After the first interview, however, Matt realized that phone
interviews are, in many ways, better than in-person interviews. There's
no need to
dress up, you don't have to worry about being late, and you can pick
your nose, scratch anywhere you want, and even make faces and obscene gestures
at the interviewer, and it won't affect your chances of employment at all!
For the second interview Matt decided to take this freedom one step further
and do the interview wearing a tutu and gorilla mask. He got the job.
h
ANIMAL RENDERING AND YOU
A Correction
h
Last week Matt identified Marilyn vos Savant as the smartest person
in the world. Always eager to point out the mistakes of others, Jason N.
Rosenbaum was quick to point out that Marilyn isn't necessarily the smartest
person in the world, that she just has the highest recorded IQ, and that
the title of smartest person in the world might better be applied to someone
who has
made a significant contribution to society, such as Stephen Hawking.
Matt, of course, was aware of this subtlety, but the fact is that "smartest
person in the world" is much less of a mouthful than "person with the highest
recorded IQ," and Matt, being the lazy lima bean that he is, opted for
economy rather than accuracy. In retrospect it wasn't very fair to call
Marilyn the smartest person in the world. Indeed, if she doesn't have the
horse sense to realize that her inflated IQ might be put to a better use
than a kitsch weekly brain teaser column, she probably isn't as bright
as all that. Speaking of wasted abilities, Stephen Hawking, who may deserve
the distinction of world's smartest person more than Marilyn Idiot Savant,
has made inestimable contribution to the field of theoretical physics.
Indeed, he is the generation's Einstein. However, if I were Stephen Hawking,
and was really smart and has motor neurone disease, I might be more interested
in finding a cure for motor neurone disease than theoretical physics. I'd
probably just go to the Royal Society and say, "Uh, listen, fellas. I'm
gonna go ahead and put that Grand Unified Theory
thing on the back burners for a while and work on getting myself out
of the Goddamned wheelchair." That's what I would do. But I'm not Stephen
Hawking.
h
DA DA DA DUM (SNAP, SNAP)
Few people had the gall to brave the horrors of the Douglas Adams quiz,
but here are the answers. The babel fish is a little leechy thing that
translates whatever anyone says into your native tongue. Dirk Gently wears
a ridiculous red hat that remains horizontal regardless of the orientation
of his head. Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, cursed with immortality,
has dedicated himself to the project of insulting everyone in the universe
(although poor planning causes him to assail Arthur Dent twice). The earth
woman Fenchurch enjoys wild mid-air sex with Arthur Dent. Marvin the paranoid
android is plagued with chronic depression. Finally, the Vogons are infamous
throughout the galaxy for their horrible, horrible poetry. If you haven't
read any Douglas Adams, do it! You won't be disappointed. At least read
the first book of the Hitchhiker's Series. Do it for Matt.
h
A BRAND NEW CONUNDRUM FOR A BRAND NEW WOOD LOUSE
Thinning hair, thickening plots. Thick and thin are similar-sounding
counterparts as adjectives, so why don't they transform into verbs in the
same way? Why does the plot thicken instead of thick? Why don't men complain
of thinnening hair? Think of how much easier life would be for people with
lisps if the superfluous "en" were removed from "thickening." At present,
if a lisping person says, "thickening," you have no way of knowing whether
they mean "thickening" or "sickening." It's bad enough that
the word "lisp" is harder to say for lisping people than it is for
non-lisping people, but could we at least give them the dignity of being
able to orally distinguish "becoming thick" from "causing sickness"? Come
on, people! Open your hearts!
h
A GRIP OF GRIPE
Matt was watching TV a few days ago when a Northern Quilted toilet
paper commercial came on. Two cartoon women were discussing a giant cartoon
roll of Quilted Northern, and one of them claimed that Quilted Northern
produces less lint than the leading brand. So along comes two cartoon rolls
of toilet paper and two cartoon lint brushes, and lo and behold the cartoon
lint brush that was brushed over the cartoon roll of Quilted Northern
had less cartoon lint on it than the cartoon lint brush that had been brushed
over the cartoon roll of the leading brand. What is this supposed to prove?
Just because an artist on the Quilted Northern payroll draws less lint
on the Quilted Northern lint brush doesn't mean that's going to happen
in real life! If you're going to do something so ridiculous as to run a
lint brush over a roll of toilet paper, at least give yourself an ounce
of credibility by doing it in live action! What is wrong with these people?
And why do they always use blue colored liquid in tampon commercials? Wouldn't
red be the slightest bit more appropriate? Advertisers are morons.
h
And that would appear to be that. No trivia this week, folks. Matt's
mind is a bit to feeble at the moment to test the feebility of the minds
of other people's minds. Feebleness, that should be.
h
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html