Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 7
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerley known as the Galactic Trade Federation.)
*
FINALLY
Matt had his last two finals this week. During his art history final
Matt got to use the word "eroticism" at least seven times, but had to stop
himself from writing the phrase, "exploring the female nude." God bless
those humanities classes. Matt's physics final was also a hoot and a half.
One of the problems gave some limited information about a burning cigarette
and asked for a "crude estimation" of the temperature. "Crude" in this
sense obviously meant that only a rough idea of the temperature could be
discerned from the data given, but Matt, being the smartass that he is,
couldn't resist this opportunity to screw with the physics GSIs and wrote:
"Crudely speaking, the @#*! temperature of the @#*! cigarette is 4.5 x
10^4 @#*! Kelvins." Matt hopes for a passing grade.
*
GEORGE LUCAS IS A BIG FAT IDIOT
Here are a few of the things that are wrong with Episode One of Star
Wars:
*
1. Sound in space. Get over it George! Outer space = vacuum = no medium
= no propagation of longitudinal waves = NO SOUND!
*
2. It's bad enough that there are only two non-White human characters
in the movie, but was it really necessary to turn the Trade Federation
officials into blatant Asian stereotypes? I was half expecting them to
say something like, "Oh yes, Emperor San, we invade-ah da pranet right
away! Ha so! Flied lice!" Honestly. The Sambo-esque Gungans were a nice
touch, too. George Lucas is just a midget-exploiting, Joseph Campbell idolizing,
bigoted big fat hairy guy.
*
3. Obi Wan is trained by Qui-Gon Jinn. However, old Obi Wan will later
tell Luke that he couldn't train Anakin as well as Yoda had trained Obi
Wan himself. That's what we call an inconsistency, folks.
*
4. During the opening scenes Obi Wan and Qui-Gon are seen running at
extremely high speeds courtesy of the Force. Later, however, Obi Wan is
unable to make it through a gauntlet of closing doors. In this scene he
runs normally; he could have beaten the doors if he had run as fast as
he did earlier.
*
5. The whole "falling from high places during light saber duels" bit
got tired enough during the first three movies without having to be used
over and over again in this one.
*
Overall, however, the film was quite enjoyable and Matt highly recommends
it. One thing that would have made it better would be to have Natalie Portman
make out with the other Natalie Portman. That would be tricky, but with
that kind of special effects crew anything is possible. Even cold fusion.
*
TRENT SKYWALKER
While listening to one of his favorite songs this week, "The Becoming"
by Nine Inch Nails, Matt noticed a striking similarity between the lyrics
of the song and the life of Star Wars hero-turned-villain Anakin Skywalker/Darth
Vader. The song uses the transformation of the body into a machine as a
metaphor for God knows what kind of psychological upfuctitude with Trent
Reznor's own psyche, but a lot of the lines seem to apply, literally or
otherwise, to the character of Anakin Skywalker. While the similarities
are quite transparent in most parts (i.e. "The me that you know he used
to have feelings but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay"),
the truly eerie connection comes toward the end of the song, when the gritty
industrial noise relents into a soft acoustic chord progression as Reznor
sings, "Hiding backwards inside of me, I am so unafraid. Annie, hold a
little tighter, I might just slip away." As anyone who has seen Star Wars
Episode One, the name "Ani" is the nickname used by young Anakin's friends
and mother on Tatooine. Trent certainly couldn't have done this intentionally
(just as Pink Floyd couldn't have intentionally synchronized "Dark Side
of the Moon" to "The Wizard of Oz," you morons), but it just goes to show
that everything's connected. Especially plumbing. (A line by line analysis,
by the way, is now posted at http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/maximumass.html)
*
USE THE FOURCE
Matt caught an 11:00 showing of the new Star Wars movie after his last
final this week, and boy howdy did he enjoy it. Warwick Davis was in it!
Anyway, here are the answers to last week's Star Wars trivia extravaganza.
*
1. Throughout Episodes 4-6, how many times is the name "Boba Fett"
spoken?
*
Anser: Twice. Given Boba Fett's status as a cult superstar among Star
Wars fans, many people don't realize that the famous sequence: "Boba Fett?
Boba Fett? Where?" *Thwack!* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" *Burp!* in the beginning
of Return of the Jedi is the only time the bounty hunter is identified
by name. During the Cloud City secens of Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader
addresses Boba Fett only as "bounty hunter."
*
Bonus Fett Fact: Many fans were upset about Boba being eaten by the
Sarlaac, so subsequent Star Wars novels and comic books had the bounty
hunter being spit out after the battle, the beast being unable to digest
his nifty Mandalorian armor. Talk about selling out to the fans. Sheesh.
*
2. What is wrong with the red R2 unit that Uncle Owen rejects in favor
of R2D2?
*
According to Luke Skywalker: "Uncle Owen! This R2 unit has a bad motivator!
Look!" Meaning, of course, that during drama class the red R2 unit always
had to ask, "What's my motivation?"
*
3. Which Asian language is allegedly spoken by several Ewoks in Return
of the Jedi?
*
Tagalog, so says the Internet Movie Database (the very same Internet
Movie Database, by the way, that failed to include Paola Posset's name
in the credits for "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Special thanks to Adriana
Publico for supplying Matt with the actresses name. Matt has contacted
Giorgio Pergolini (of Pergolini's Alf Page) for more information about
the obscure Italian actress, since no information seems to be available
from the internet.)
*
4. Physics nerd question! Luke Skywalker's light saber is green. Darth
Vader's light saber is red. Assuming both warriors have equal mastery of
the Force, which weapon is more likely to bring its weilder victory? Why?
*
As any eighth grade physical science student can tell you, green light
has a higher frequency and thus more energy than red light. Thus Luke Skywalker,
weenie that he is, has the light saber with more ass whuppin' potential.
Ironically, Obi Wan Kenobi, the only character to actually be killed during
a light saber duel (remember that Darth Vader dies a while after the light
sabers have been sheathed), has a blue light saber, which is even more
powerful than Luke's green one. Stupid George Lucas.
*
An alternative answer to this, and one that should appeal more to humanities
majors, deals with literary color symbolism. Red is traditionally associated
with things like love, lust, and (in Matt's case), sex. Green, however,
is classically the color of jealousy. Jealousy is certainly a more powerful
force than love (see Othello, The Winter's Tale, and "Rosalia" by Better
than Ezra), so the green weapon would be stronger.
*
5. At which point during Return of the Jedi are the small furry denizens
of Endor identified as Ewoks?
*
Most respondents recognized this as a trick question, but they failed
to realize just how tricky it is. True, the word "Ewok" is never spoken
onscreen, but the closing credits (which count as part of the movie) of
Return of the Jedi references them as "Ewoks." So there.
*
OFF TO THE HENITANIARY
Here's a math quizzler for you, potato salad ass. If it takes a hen
and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how many hens would
it take to lay six eggs in six days? Keep in mind that Marilyn vos Savant
got this one wrong when someone sent it in to her, and she's supposed to
be the smartest person in the world. (Hint: The answer isn't "There's no
such thing as half a hen, etc." Just play along, you literalist bastards.)
*
THE MEGALOMANIA DEEPENS
Lately, Matt has been asking favors of his loyal and disloyal followers
and offering nothing in return but empty words of feigned gratitude. Well
that ends now, folks, because Matt has developed a method of rewarding
his do-gooders in a way that will make everyone wet themselves with excitement.
Matt has recently established (dum da da dummmm) "The Matt Holohan Tome
of Goodness" in which he will record the names and deeds of those in the
Matt Holohan Club who have earned a special place in Matt's cold and twisted
heart. One way to get yourself into the Tome of Goodness is to answer trivia
questions (this will take care of the prize dilemma once and for all).
Other opportunities for entry into the Tome of Goodness will crop up often,
so keep an eye out! (Incidentally, since Tomes don't come cheap, the Tome
of Goodness will be maintained digitally on the official Matt Holohan Club
Home Page.)
*
That'll do it for this week. Matt is still recovering from a hoary
sea hag of a hangover, so he's gonna pop some pills now and sleep for a
very long time. Thanks for reading.
*
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html