Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOLUME 1, ISSUE 6
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as the People's Front of Judea.)
*
Sorry for the one-day delay this week, but as many of you know, it's
finals season here in Berkeley, and Matt tends to spend a lot of time during
finals season playing Minesweeper and poking himself in the eye. However,
now that Matt has reinforced his supply of Ritalin (the most widely-used
illegal drug on campus, except for all the other ones), Matt should be
able to remain focused on more important non-Minesweeping and non-eye poking
activities.
*
MATT'S CHINESE SEX LIFE
Matt attended an Honor Students' Society banquet last week at the Mandarin
Garden chinese restaurant (a locale which should come as no surprise judging
by the ethnic makeup of HSS). After an hour or so of wowing the HSS ladies
with his deft chopstick-handling abilities (fancy pants plastic chopsticks,
mind you, not those cheap $1 Chinese Food wooden ones), the fortune cookies
came around and Matt suggested that everyone present read their fortunes
aloud and tag the words "in bed" to the end of whatever the fortunes said.
This is a game that Matt learned from Comedy Central's short-lived troupe
comedy show, the Upright Citizens Brigade, which was cool because it abbreviates
to UCB. Anyhoo, Matt's first fortune was: "You display the wonderful traits
of charm and courtesy...in bed." After laughing at this little tidbit,
Matt opened another cookie which said: "Strike iron while it is hot." Disturbed
by the perverse images created by adding "in bed" to the end of this, Matt
tried to nullify it by cracking open a third cookie which simply stated:
"Everybody's better than you." Matt responded to the giggles of the other
guests with a charming smiled, and then went home, ate a whole cheesecake,
and cried himself to sleep.
*
MUST TURD
After enjoying the latest rendition of A Midsummer Night's Dream this
evening, Matt has developed another one of his trademark out-of-reach famous
woman fixations (the most notable, of course, being Kate Winslet, followed
by Jennifer Connelly and, to a lesser extent, Mira Sorvino and Mia Kirschener).
This time Matt went for extreme obscurity and developed quite an infatuation
for the actress portraying Mustardseed. Although she only has one line
("Mustardseed" after being asked for her name), her brief and scattered
onscreen appearances really got Matt's gears turning. Matt, however, being
the braintrust that he is, neglected to stick around long enough to see
what her name was, and since the IMDB is of no help Matt is looking to
his loyal club members for help. If any of you happen to see this film
in the near future and happen to catch the actress's name on your way out,
please let Matt know so he can scour the internet for CLEAN pictures of
her for a new MGI slideshow. If Matt developes enough of these fixations
he'll never have to deal with the hassle of dating again! YAAAAAAY!
*
TRIVIALITY
Matt was rather impressed with the creativity that some people expressed
in attempting to answer last week's scientific puzzlers. Here are the proper
answers:
*
1. Water and alcohol. This may have something to do with hydrogen bondage
and all that phony baloney chemistry crap, but the Bill Nye answer is that
alcohol molecules are much larger than water molecules, and thus the water
molecules can fit inside the spaces between alcohol molecules. The best
analogy was provided by the amazing Jason Rosenbaum: think of equal volumes
of marbles and bowling balls. When you mix them together, some of the marbles
will fall between the bowling balls, so the final volume will be less than
twice the original.
*
2. Gold and feathers. Net weights and British currency aside, the answer
to this ridiculous little riddle involves some seriously esoteric knowledge
of weights and measures. As the happenin' Sean Keane so "Keanely" reports,
feathers and other such day-to-day objects are measured in avoirdupois
weights, where one pound is equal to sixteen ounces. Gold, however, is
measured in troy weights, in which a pound is equal to fourteen ounces.
And so, in this stupid world we live in, a pound of feathers actually weighs
two ounces more than a pound of gold. Tell that one to your kindergarten
teacher.
*
CALL ME A SELLOUT, BUT...
In honor of Episode One: A New Hype, Matt has decided to rustle up
some Star Wars trivia questions. Some of you will find these easy, others
will find them difficult, and others (those of you who have stopped reading
these ridiculous reports altogether), will not find them at all. We begin
with Matt's very favorite Star Wars trivia question of all time.
*
1. Throughout Episodes 4-6, how many times is the name "Boba Fett"
spoken?
2. What is wrong with the red R2 unit that Uncle Owen rejects in favor
of R2D2?
3. Which Asian language is allegedly spoken by several Ewoks in Return
of the Jedi?
4. Physics nerd question! Luke Skywalker's light saber is green. Darth
Vader's light saber is red. Assuming both warriors have equal mastery of
the Force, which weapon is more likely to bring its weilder victory? Why?
5. At which point during Return of the Jedi are the small furry denizens
of Endor identified as Ewoks?
*
MATT'S BIT OF ALF NOSTALGIA FOR THE WEEK
In this scene from the first season, Willie Tanner attempts to keep
Alf occupied for the evening by giving him a jigsaw puzzle. Alf isn't impressed.
*
ALF: (Sifting through the jigsaw puzzle pieces.) It's broken.
WILLIE: I know. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.
*
Hi-larious, that's all. Just damn funny. Max Wright, who deftly portrayed
the lovable, neurotic, and kind-hearted Willie Tanner on "Alf," lends his
talents to the role of Starveling the tailor in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
I wonder if he met the actress who played Mustardseed. I wish I was Max
Wright so I could have met her. I would have been all over that.
*
AND SO...
I'm afraid that's all I've got. Finals, you know. Hopefully this coming
summer will be full of Mattventures that will make for intriguing monthly
Matt reports. In the meantime, OW! My eye!
*
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html