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subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
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h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 5
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerley known as the Richard Kline Historical Society)
*
THE PRANK CALL
An epic poem
*
Oh gather, ye muses, and help me to write
Of a harrowing 'sperience I had one night.
Put on some music and fetch me a beer
So I can create a fine po-em right here.
And now that the muses are duly invoked
On with the story (let's hope I don't choke).
'Tis a tale of deception, betrayal, and greed,
And cruel execution of dastardly deeds.
An epic this is, and if you get the riddle
You should understand why I start in the middle.
*
One day when good Matt had returned from his classes
After hours of annoying the ignorant masses
He saw that his telephone answering gadget
Was beeping and blinking and making a racket.
"A message!" he squealed. "Who could it be from?
Threats from my rivals? Kind words from a chum?
But rather then stand here and just speculate,
I'll push the 'play' button before it's too late.
And so our fine hero just sat himself down
And listened and listened and started to frown.
For the message was not very kindly at all,
But rather, its foul language did quite appall.
"You asshole!" it shouted. "Just what were you thinking?
You're stupid and thoughtless! Your manners are stinking!
This morning while I was asleep in my bed
You woke me with ringing! I wish you were dead!
You told me that I shouldn't prank call on you,
But I never did that, you pile of poo.
You wrongly have chosen myself to harrass
And you'd better just stop it or I'll kick your ass!
You see that I'm angry, and here's what you'll do
Or else I'll send somebody looking for you.
You'll call me right up with an apology
For my darling young roommate and also for me.
You'll do this with pleasure, and then you'll go on
To make me a promise that you'll keep anon.
You'll swear that you never will call me again
You'll swear to you savior. You'll mean it and then
You'll hang up your phone and we two shall part ways.
Just who do you think that you are, anyways?
I'm really quite angry. That shouldn't be missed.
It's your lack of respect that has got me so pissed.
You now have your orders. I'll call every day
'Til you compensate me and I get my way."
Matt erased the message and frowned in bemusement.
This new situation was causing amusement.
"Oh dear," he declared. "Another girl's pissed
At me. Nothing new. I'll add her to the list.
I do know the name of this kooky young girl.
I called her this morning and rattled her world.
She claims that she's innocent. That is a lie.
And I'll make her stare her guilt right in the eye."
So Matt looked up this girl in the directory
And wrote her an email (his especiality).
"Dear Penny," he wrote her, for that was her name
(Well, no, not really, but that I'll explain.
This poem makes some damaging comments about
Real people who just might find this here poem out
And so to avoid a libel/slander suit,
Our poet has altered the names [what a hoot!].
Please note that the actions are more or less true
But identities shifted to stay in the blue.
And now that this matter is delineated
We're back to the story. It's time to get faded.)
"Dear Penny," he wrote her. "I just got your message.
Your potty-mouthed diction was less than impressive.
You claim a clear conscience, but I disagree.
And now I'll reveal what revealed you to me.
But before I can do that I'll have to begin
At where it all started: Last night about ten.
Well actually, it was near eleven thirty
When first I received a phone call that was dirty.
I was just getting ready to climb into bed
When the phone rang for me. Though it filled me with dread,
I gathered my wits and picked up the receiver
And found myself talking to a great deceiver.
Some joker said she was a guy from my class
And said I was pretty and had a nice ass.
I played right along like the sport that I am
But soon I began to get sick of the sham.
I bid a good night to the prankster at hand
And told her to go eat some walnuts and sand.
Most people would just let the dumb prankster be.
But most are not quite as neurotic as me.
My devilish gears began to go round
As I thought how the caller's ID could be found.
'Of course!' I exclaimed. 'This plan will work fine!
I'll simply employ the old star sixty nine.
But wait, not just yet, for if I do it now
The stupid old jokers will put on a show.
I'll give them some time to forget about me
And then I shall call them and then I shall see
Just who has the stunted maturity level
Do send me a prank call and get me disheveled.
So one hour later I did as I said
And got some poor woman right out of her bed.
'Who is this?' I asked her when she said Hello.
Then she told me her name, one that I didn't know.
'Do you have a roommate?' I thoughtfully asked her.
'I certainly do,' was her forthcoming answer.
'And what would her name be?' I coolly inquired.
'Penny is her name,' the lady repliered.
At this point I began to work out the math
And developed suspicions and built up my wrath.
One final question would prove my assumption.
'Do you live in Stern?' I demanded with gumption.
But sadly, by this time your roommate wised up.
'Who is this?' she asked and I quickly hung up.
And after completing this verbal intrusion,
I did some more thinking and reached this conclusion:
Penny's a name that I do quite remember.
This girl is a nutty Sigma Kappa member
Who I used to hear several stories about
When I used to go out with Lindsey, that lout."
(Now here you'll remember that names are amended,
So some of our readers will not be offended.)
"And Lindsey, another of Sigma Kap's girls,
Was more of a pebble and less of a pearl.
She pranked me before when we still were together
One cold Winter night. I'll remember it ever.
So here's the scenario that I devised,
And do let me know if it should be revised:
Last night good old Lindsey threw back a few beers
So her age and maturity differed by years
And along with her chum, fellow Sigma Kap Penny,
Decided that it would be really damn funny
To prank call her ex, one magnanimous man
Who went by the title of Matt Holohan.
And so as the hour of midnight approached
She dialed my number and dared to encroach
On my privacy, slumber, and my piece of mind
With a telephone farse of the most childish kind.
And after I bid the foul woman adieu,
I waited an hour and contacted you.
And after a talk with your roommate, the dear,
I heard everything that I needed to hear.
Two suspects, two verdicts, both guilty as sin,
And I, judge and jury, would do them both in.
First order of business was dealing with Lindsey
I'd make her feel bad for her small bit of whimsey.
I searched for and put on my angriest hat
And at my computer I angrily sat.
I brought up Eudora and typed out a note
That I hoped would make Lindsey upset and distrote.
'My erstwhile lover,' began my epistle.
'You seem to possess all the sense of a thistle.
I don't understand why you still feel the need
To assail me with prank calls like Christopher Reeve.
If this is the best you can do for a lark,
If your lackluster life offers no other spark,
Then perhaps you are throwing your money away
By hanging around in that sororitay.
One of these days I hope you will mature.
Your childish behavior is hard to endure.
And one other thing, since I'm feeling quite nasty.
You should find this little tidbit quite tasty.
Remember way back when we two folks were dating?
I distinctly remember you found yourself hating
One charming young blonde who you always did fear
Did bring her affections a little to near.
You said that I liked her, I said you were wrong,
But that was a lie you believed all along.
In all honesty, I prefered her to you,
But she turned me down, so I settled for you.
And now I'll just sign this and that'll be that.
Your former companion, the fabulous Matt.'"
(Now here the poet must again interject
In case the dear reader is losing respect
For our hero. Fear not! Matt is not all that bad.
The fact is, Lin's antics had gotten him mad.
Knowing the comment would raise up her dander,
He fibbed 'bout the blonde just to add to the slander.
Now that the name of good Matt has been cleared,
On with the story! Unless you're afeard.)
"And so, my dear Penny, I sent the email.
And made some short work of that foolish female.
But I knew that my chore was as yet just half done.
Two vices I had, but I only filled one.
The email, while vicious, just wouldn't suffice.
To let Penny off would just be all too nice.
The rest of the story's familiar to you.
I called you at eight and said what not to do.
A few words were said and you didn't reply,
So I hung up the phone without saying good-bye.
I left and came home and discovered your message
And now I am writing this long-winded passage.
Your guilt is quite clear. Any moron can see.
Some star sixty-nining exposed you to me.
And while I will give you no words of repentance,
Your roommate, I trust, has retained her innocence.
Her role in this matter was limited to
Giving me info 'bout Lindsey and you.
So kindly extend my regrets to your friend,
If my creepy night calling at all did offend.
But you, dearest Penny, get no such respect.
Your demands for appeasement I choose to reject.
And if you do ever go pranking again,
Choose as your vitcims some stupider men.
And now, having said my rather verbose piece,
I think I'll be off. Keep the faith, sister. Peace."
*
So Matt sent the email and thought that this matter
Would not be the subject of any more chatter.
But the following day Matt received an email
Which revealed a new chapter of this stupid tale.
The lovely Rebecca had written to say
That she had run into Lindsey that day.
(By the way, this is one name that hasn't been changed,
Since nothing I say about her will defame.)
"Dear Matt," she had written. "Your ex seems upsat.
She thinks that you're mad at her. What's up with that?"
On reading this, our hero gleamed with delight.
All of his planning was going just right.
His letter to Lindsey had got her unsettled.
It seemed that she now regretted to have meddled
In the life of the world's most notorious freak.
This audacious girl had been rendered quite meek.
But rather than simply enjoy what he'd done,
Our troublesome hero still wanted more fun.
"I'll place myself coolly just outside her class
And she'll have to converse with me as she walks past.
It will certainly be quite a pleasure to see
What she has to say of herself unto me."
So this was the plan and that's just what he doed.
He didn't act gaudy, he didn't act rude.
He just leaned on the wall like it weren't no thing
And waited for the Campanile to ring.
A few minutes later the target was nearing
But words of apology weren't appearing.
Matt shot the woman a sinister grin
But she didn't respond, giving him much chagrin.
The only replies that the crazy girl gave.
Were a sneer and a lip curl. Not even a wave.
The unstable woman walked calmly away
With nothing in mind that she wanted to say.
"Well, well," thought our Matt as he stood near the wall.
"If this new development don't just beat all.
This ridiculous woman is like mercury.
One minute she's this way, and then you will see
That she'll change in a second to something quite other.
What's wrong with these sorority girls? Oh, brother.
From day one I realized that this was a waste.
In the future I'll exhibit much better taste."
*
If you've made it this far, I am really impressed.
This great bloated saga is really a mess.
But nothing is wasted, as you will soon see.
There is a moral to this dumb story.
During your travels throughout this dull world,
You're likely to encounter hundreds of girls.
Some will be nice, and some will be mean,
And some will turn out to be more than they seem.
It can be hard to tell, but one marker's for certain.
Heed my advice, and pull back the curtain.
When you meet a young lady, wherever she's from,
Before you decid between rival and chum,
Just pose her this question in clean and clear words:
"I realize that this will all sound quite absurd,
But I feel it will help me avoid lots of crappa.
Are you now, have you been, part of Sigma Kappa?"
If the answer is no, then proceed on your course,
Which may or may not lead straight to intercourse.
If the answer's affirmative, don't say no more.
Your feeble emotions can't handle the chore.
This dilemma's solution is really quite simple:
Just turn on your heel and run off like a wimple.
The story told here of the sinister Penny
And Lindsey are merely a few out of many.
The girls of SK are remarkably troubled.
When men are involved, the trouble is doubled.
Sororities suck as a whole but a few
Suck a lot more than the rest of them do.
Those two small Greek letters will speak quite a novel.
Just keep these foul women away from your hovel.
Please learn this lesson, and please learn it well:
Sigma Kappa girls = minions of Hell.
*
COOL STUFF MATT SAW AT THE CO-OP PARTIES
1. Two girls dancing sexually with each other.
*
2. A girl wearing nothing but four very small leaves.
*
3. Mark Gasway
*
4. Lots of girls dressed as whores.
*
TRIVIA TIME
All right, then. Here are last week's trivia answers:
1. The Tick
2. Darkwing Duck
3. Gizmoduck
4. Golion Voltron (not that crappy "Vehicle Voltron" preferred by people
with severe emotional problems)
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (specifically Michaelangelo, who somehow
managed to develop a west-coast curfer dialect despite having been born
and raised in New York City)
6. He Man, because he had the power.
*
Also, the only legitimate response to the bonus question was submitted
by the amazing Matt Kaufman, who wrote:
*
"Jim Nabisco told me at a Kaffeeklatsch he invited me to, that his
Weltanschauung was based on mathematical theory, and could be summed
up inone phrase, 'Betcha bite a chip'."
*
Bravo, Matt. Still working on setting up that date.
*
This week's puzzler is a bit scientific. I saw it on Bill Nye the Science
Guy earlier this week. Two cups of water occupy more volume than a cup
of water mixed with a cup of alcohol. Why?
*
If you're feeling really ambitious, try this one: Which weighs more,
a pound of feathers or a pound of gold? (Hint: They DO NOT weigh the same.)
*
***
*
That'll do it for this week. Sorry there aren't as many features, but
I 'spect that most people have fallen asleep after that ridiculous epic
poem. I know I have. I'm asleep right now, in fact. Yep yep yep.
*
That is all.
*
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html