Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 4. 04/30/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly Known as Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow)
h
DOH!
Last week Mike MacNeil was incorrectly identified as an FOM when he
is, in fact, a PWIITM. Matt regrets the error and in order to make up for
it he ritualistically spanked himself (vewy wuffwy).
h
WHAT THEY DID BEFORE CAN OPENERS
Over the weekend Matt went to Fabuloso's and bought himself a nice
fat burrito and and old skool glass bottle of Coke. When he got back to
where he had been he noticed that the bottle was even more old skool than
he had though: the cap wasn't a twist-off. After Matt asked everyone present
if they had a can opener, one of his less sensible companions came up with
a better idea. Nowhere in this person's tangled mass of neurons did his
random electrical impulses clue him in to the fact that what he was about
to do was a horrible idea, and before Matt could say anything his mongoloid
colleague had grabbed his precious soda and was banging against the cap
with a hammer. Oddly enough, the laws of physics held and the glass went
breaky-breaky, sending shards of glass into the soda and ruining any chance
Matt had for a delightful glass-bottle soda experience. Instead, he had
to settle for a plastic bottle of Pepsi. Matt is currently plotting an
intricate scheme of revenge.
*
ENOUGH ALREADY!
Someone has taken it upon his or herself (probably herself) to fill
the Matt Holohan Guestbook with anonymous caustic messages about the wonderful
Matt. Matt doesn't mind the content of the messages but is just slightly
disturbed by the fact that he doesn't have a clear idea as to who is putting
them there. If Matt has a stalker, he'd like to know who it is. He has
some ideas but doesn't want to go accusing people until he's sure. Please
identify yourself, or Matt will be forced to become strong with you. Matt
Holohan's Whacked Out Guestbook is meant to be a forum where people can
express themselves on the subject of Matt in an intelligent and coherent
manner, and NOT A PLACE TO CAST ASPERSIONS ON THE LOVELY AND TALENTED KATE
WINSLET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I'LL KILL YOU!
*
WHICH WITCH IS WHICH? BLAIR UNDERWOOD?
Matt developed a bit of a fixation on the upcoming thriller "The Blair
Witch Project" this week, mainly because in one of the web film clips you
can see up the girl's nostrils. She's crying, too, so you can see snot
and everything. It's great. If you're interested in some creepy Quicktime,
mosey on over to haxan.com and check out the "Movies" and "Trailer" sections.
If you ask me, the two guys never should have volunteered for the stupid
project in the first place. Following some Wicca fanatic into the Maryland
woods to videotape rocks and look for a witch's ghost? Come on! I know
the film industry is a bit spare for beginners but have some dignity! Remember
the wisdom of the great Irish hero, Fergus mac Roich, who comments at the
end of "The Tain" that "it is the usual thing for a herd led by a mare
to be strayed and destroyed." (Thanks, Professor Melia, for giving me the
opportunity to learn this one single valuable thing in that piece of crap
Celtic Studies class of yours. Just because you won a new car and a grip
of cash on Jeopardy! you think you can be all smug and just talk about
random crap in lecture and give us impossibly esoteric quiz questions and
your stupid crinkly gray hair that looks like a toupee and those raised
moles on your neck and who the hell carries a white beeper and did I forget
to mention that it was in your wondrous class that I met the Sigma Kappa
girl who prank called me four days ago? Sigma Kappa! Good God, man! And
you call yourself an educator! Honestly.). Oh, by the way, I'm pretty sure
that who Blair Witch thing is fake, but it's pretty cool anyway. God, I
could just kill that Professor Melia. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Man!
*
CABBAGE
This is what happens when Matt has an uneventful week and is sitting
at his computer at 12:30 trying to figure out what the hell he should write
about. Please don't take this as an indication of the lameness of further
reports. Matt is planning on attending a wild co-op party this weekend
so he should get plenty of material there. Co-ops are scary. Matt's going
to bring a stick.
*
LAST WEEK'S TRIVIA ANSWERS AND SUCH
The fabulous actor was Mike Myers (a native of the thoroughly unfabulous
country of Canada), and the movies were, in order, "So I Married an Axe
Murderer," "Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery," and "Wayne's
World." Matt's thumbs and eyelids are tired so he's not going to do the
thumbs and winks anymore. Let's just hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.
*
MATT'S OBSCURE CARTOON TRIVIA EXTRAVAGANZA OF THE WEEK
In an effort to keep things moving around so people don't get bored
(like anyone reads this crap anyway), Matt has decided to put the movie
trivia on hiatus this week and opt for cartoon superheroes instead. Below
is a list of battle cries/catch phrases from once-popular animated shows.
Match up to three phrases with their respective superheroes and you'll
get an exciting yet-to-be decided prize that has nothing to do with thumbs
or eyelids or breadsticks.
*
The phrases are:
1. Spoon!
2. Let's get dangerous.
3. Blatherin' Blatherscyte!
4. Activate interlock. Dynatherms connected. Infracells up. Megathrusters
are go...
5. Cowabunga!
6. I have the power!!!
*
Breast of luck.
*
MATT'S HARD-LEARNED LESSON OF THE WEEK
If you're dating a sorority girl, you're asking for a headache. If
you're dating a Sigma Kappa girl, you're getting down on your knees begging
for one.
*
BONUS PRETENTIOUS TRIVIA QUESTION
All right, all you self-righteous scholars of linguistics and other
humanities, see if you can use the following three terms in a sensible,
coherent sentence:
*
1. Weltanschauung
2. Kaffeeklatsch
3. Betcha bite a chip.
*
I'm looking to you, Kaufman, and you, Crabtree, and, to a lesser extent,
you, Fornaca. Pull this off and you'll get a fancy surprize. (Ha! Howbout
that! I just increased my productivity! Now, instead of typing out "surprise
prize," I can shorten it to "Surprize!" Yeah! Oh, wait...typing out this
whole explanation just decreased my productivity a great deal, didn't it?
No matter. The Matt Holohan Club is not about productivity. The Matt Holohan
Club is about cutting the eyes out of newborn kittens and seeing if it
affects how they see things.)
*
And that's when the babies turned into cabbages.
*
(No, I didn't screw that up. I think it's funnier that way.)
*
That is all.
*
Matt Holohan
Honorable Flounder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html