Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
h
Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
h
THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 3. 04/23/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly Known As the Redundant American Redundancy Society of Redundancy)
h
Some of you people STILL aren't reading the reports. Fine. From now
on Matt is just going to randomly toss in random insults to people in the
club. Since no one's reading it, no one should care. So there. Claire.
Don't stare. Matt has red hair. Matt likes pears. Matt also likes bananas.
Phil thinks Matt's a monkey.
h
JEANS FOR JUSTICE, SHIRTS FOR MATT
In honor of the Italian Supreme Court ruling that a woman who's wearing
jeans cannot possibly be raped, feminists and reasonable human beings have
mobilized en masse (Ooh! That's foreign!) to increase awareness of jeans.
I addition to having people sign jeans to be sent to the Italian Embassy,
the Jeans for Justice folks have also declared this week "National Denim
Week," during which people can show their support for the cause by wearing
jeans. When this little movement was explained to Matt from a girl at the
Jeans for Justice table, Matt pointed out that it was a little too easy.
Considering the fact that about 90% of people in the U.S. wear denim anyway,
you could easily say that all these people are supporting you when, in
fact, if you went up to them and said "Hey! Jeans for Justice! Yeah! Way
to go! You da man! Awwww, yeah!" they'd just look at you and say, "What
the hell is wrong with you? What are you talking about? Get away from me!
Put that down! Ow! Stop! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Anyhoo, Matt has decided to declare
the coming week "National Cotton T-Shirt Week," in which people can express
support for Matt Holohan by wearing cotton T-Shirts. This is gonna be huge!
h
Alexandra isn't really charming, it's just the accent.
h
URSA MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS
You may think that random comedy is not good comedy. If that's the
case, you probably shouldn't be reading this. Oh, now you've stopped. Shoot.
Anyway, William Shakespeare liked random comedy. At the end of Act III
of "The Winter's Tale," Antigonus is placing a bastard child out in the
desert to die near the shore of Bohemia (this is pretty silly to begin
with since Bohemia, being a landlocked European region, has neither a shore
nor a desert). After a very (This is pretty funny; I can't think of the
word that means "well spoken." Ironic, isn't it? Eloquent! That's it. Eloquent.
It was an eloquent speech.) eloquent speech about how lousy it is that
the baby is going to die and everything, he suddenly gets chased off stage
by a bear. You have to picture this in an Elizabethan theater. Here's this
guy giving his monologue, maybe even moving some of the audience to tears.
He sets the baby down, and then all of a sudden here comes this joker in
a bear suit chasing him off the stage. Isn't that great? William Shakespeare
was a pimp and a half.
h
Jeff likes fat chicks.
h
PEANUT BUTTER AND NAPALM
During Matt's Physics lecture this week, a charming (truly charming,
not just falsely charming like Alexandra with her fetus article not liking
accent) girl from the Air Force ROTC offered Matt a piece of her peanut
butter sandwich. When Matt informed her that even the smallest dab of the
forbidden butter would mean his drawn-out and excruciating death, an evil
glimmer appeared in the girl's eye and she lunged at him, desperately trying
to shove the venomous sandwich down his throat. Fortunately Matt managed
to scare her off by twisting his arm around his head. Tossing the sandwich
aside she dashed out of the lecture hall, rapelled down the side of the
building, and ran toward the Campanile where she was immediately mauled
by a guy in a bear suit! A bear suit! He had just finished this long sad
speech and then there was a guy in a bear suit! OH MY GOD THAT'S FUNNY!
Peanut butter kills, kids. Peanut butter kills.
h
Becca looks forward to a world ruled by Amazon women.
h
MOVIE TRIVIA EXTRAVAGANZA ANSWERS
Kudos (without peanuts) to everyone who got the movie trivia answers
correct last week. The answers were:
h
Director: Stanley Kubrick
1. 2001: A Space Odyssey
2. A Clockwork Orange (Banned in England. Ha, ha, Alexandra, you and
your "charming accent" didn't get that one because your backward country
hasn't taken that great leap into the modern age of free expression. And
Gerry Adams is a good looking man.)
3. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.
h
While Matt didn't manage to get everyone's prizes squared away, FOM
Mike MacNeil has inspired a new system of prizes that will make everyone
happy and not affect Matt's wallet. From now on, if you answer one question
right, you get a "Matt Holohan Thumbs Up." If you answer two questions
correctly, you get TWO Matt Holohan Thumbs Up. If you answer all three,
you get two Matt Holohan Thumbs Up and a Matt Holohan Wink. Now that you're
all drooling all over your monitor lizards, on with....
hh
THIS WEEK'S MOVIE TRIVIA EXTRAVAGANZA
Same format as last week: three movies, each has three quotes, except
this time all quotes come from the same actor. Name the actor and the movies,
and you'll get thumbed and winked and so forth.
h
1. "No, you look like an undercover cop *trying* to look hip."
"Let's get pissed!"
"I love the night life. I like to boo-gie."
h
2. "I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver."
"Circus people. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands."
"When Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...people DIE!"
h
3. "Wait a minute! No.... Wait a minute! No..."
"Who's Anthony? Who's Anthony?"
"Everybody was kung fu fighting." [grimaces embarrassedly]
h
Good luck! You'll need it. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaaaa.
h
Tyler's a big dumb dork.
h
MATT'S CONUNDRUM OF THE WEEK
Rendering plants are pretty common today, but you have to wonder when,
exactly, did the first visionary take a look at a bloated dead horse and
say, "Hey, I bet if I ground that thing up I could make two pieces of paper
stick together. That would kick." It's a mad world.
h
OOH! MATT'S BONUS TRIVIA QUESTION OF THE WEEK
When Matt was in 10th grade, his English teacher once said, "Everyone
wants to go to Heaven, nobody wants to die." Matt wasn't sure if his teacher
was profound enough to think of that on his own and didn't think to ask
where it came from. If anyone can identify a famous historical speaker
for this quote, Matt will put on a bear suit and chase them away.
h
Rohit has small girl hands.
h
This will conclude this week's report. Matt has decided to truncate
it somewhat so people aren't quite as intimidated by it. Matt is also very
tired. Yeah.
h
Bear suit. That's comedy.
h
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html