Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
interest in the Matt Holohan Club. If you wish to be
removed from the list, reply to this email and type "REMOVE" in the
subject heading. Matt will feel hurt and betrayed at first,
but will soon get over it. So there.
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Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 2. 04/15/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(formerly known as Give Back the Night)
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It has been brought to Matt's attention that many of you did not read
last week's Matt Holohan Report. Matt finds this most disturbing. The Report
is the meat and potatoes of this organization. And the carrots, too. And
the gravy, and the rolls, and mmmmmm..... Rolls. Anyway, you don't have
to read it all at once. It's supposed to keep you entertained all week!
Keep it in your mailbox and read a little at a time. Think of it as a little
electronic Mattazine.
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ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK'S MOVIE TRIVIA EXTRAVAGANZA
I'm sure you're all eager to learn the results of last week's trivia
quiz, so here they are:
1. The Princess Bride, with Wallace Shawn as Vizzini and Andre the
Giant (also known as Andre Roussimoff) as Fezzik.
2. The Neverending Story (also known as Die Unendliche Geschichte),
with Noah Hathaway as Atreju and a cheesy animatronic wolf monster as Gamork.
3. Monty Python's Life of Brian, with Graham Chapman as Brian and Michael
Palin as a lisping Pontius Pilate.
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Congratulations to FOM Jen Martins for winning a date with Matt. Jen
and Matt enjoyed a lovely evening at--you guessed it--the Olive Garden,
and afterwards went back to Jen's sorority house where Matt set Jen's room
on fire and did a little chicken dance.
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MATT'S ADVENTURES OF THE WEEK
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1. HOTMAIL'S COLD SHOULDER
As many of you know, Matt's Hotmail account was unexpectedly terminated
this week due to the fact that his login name contained the word "bastard."
Matt was understandably upset about this and wrote an angry email to the
folks over at Hotmail, who are now official Enemies of Matt. The text of
the email can be found at www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/hotmail.html.
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2. EVIL WITH A KAPPITAL E
Matt ventured into Berkeley's epicenter of Greek evil this week, the
Kappa Alpha Theta sorority house, in order to exorcise the dreaded Happy99
virus from a friend's computer (yes, most of us have long since forgotten
about Happy99, but sorority girls tend to be a little slower that the rest
of us). Unfortunately, the sinister energy of the sorority has somehow
mutated the Happy99 virus into what Matt has decided to call "Happy99 simplex
B." The new strain is much stronger, and the evil of the house clouded
Matt's mind so much that even he, in his semi-infinite wisdom and resourcefulness,
could not destroy it. Matt has contacted FEMA (Federal Emergency Maintenance
Agency) and the group will most likely quarantine the sorority house immediately.
All right!
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3. FUZZY WUZZY WAS HER NAME
As part of his ongoing effort to antagonize the female Greek community,
Matt engaged in a brief conversation with an ADPi sister in the Main Stack
study hall this week. The girl in question was sitting across from Matt
at a table, and Matt noticed that she had one of those annoying fuzzy sweaters
with her (you know, those things that make girls' torsos look like they're
out of focus, and that they always buy two sizes too small so their boobies
look big). Testing his theory that only sorority girls wear these horrible
things, Matt asked the girl if she happened to be in a sorority. Taken
aback, the young woman said that she was, in fact, of the Greek persuasion,
and demanded to know how Matt knew. When Matt explained his sweater hypothesis,
the girl snittily informed him that the sweater in fact belonged to her
non-Greek younger sister. Matt then called the girl a filthy liar, at which
point she moved further down the table and started crying.
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Sidenote: The Berkeley chapter of ADPi is commonly known as "Shady
Pi" due to its members' reputation for promiscuity. If you think about
it, with all the sororities on campus, how bad does their house have to
be to be known as *the* slutty one? They must bring their own rohypnol
to frat parties, fer God's sake. Kee-ripes.
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MATT'S MOVIE TRIVIA EXTRAVAGANZA OF THE WEEK
Since last week's format proved too difficult for some people, this
week Matt has decided to simplify the Movie Trivia Extravaganza. Each question
consists of three lines from a single movie, not necessarily continuous
dialogue. All three movies were directed by the same person.
If you can name the director and all three movies, you will be entered
to win this week's contest!
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1. "Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
"[sung]Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...I'm half crazy
all for the love of you."
"My God, it's full of stars."
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2. "Enjoying that, are you, my darling?"
"No time for the old in-out now, love. I've just come to read
the meter."
"Hear angels' trumpets and devils' trombones. You are invited!"
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3. "Of course I like to speak to you!"
"You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"
"Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending
on the breaks."
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Judging by the low number of contestants last week, Matt has decided
that a date with him isn't quite as coveted as he previously assumed. Matt
must now come up with a more popular prize, but he can't seem to at the
moment. If you decide to respond to the contest, give a suggestion for
a prize, and you just might win it! Yes!
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MATT'S HARD-LEARNED LIFE LESSON OF THE WEEK
People give you strange looks when you walk down the street carrying
a plunger.
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MATT'S FUNNY CONVERSATION OF THE WEEK
Luke Filose: We can get a machine to replace you.
Matt Holohan: That's why my girlfriend broke up with me.
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MATT'S CONUNDRUM OF THE WEEK
Imagine that you're a product development executive at a prestigious
beverage company. One day, a peppy young employee comes into your office
and gives the following pitch: "People like clams, right? People like tomato
juice, right? Why not mix the two? You grind up some clams, mix them in
with tomato juice, and boom! The next big thing! We call it 'clamato juice.'
Huh? Huh?" Rather than call security and demand that this lunatic undergo
a psychological evaluation, you decide to market this monstrosity! What
kind of society are we living in? And how did they get people to even drink
that Gawd awful concoction in the first place? Honestly. Could you picture
the conception of clamato juice? Probably went something like this:
"Hey! You spilled your tomato juice on my clams!"
"Hey! You dropped your clams in my tomato juice!"
"Hey! That's not bad! Let's sell this stuff!"
"Hey! Why are we starting all our statements with 'hey'?"
"Hey! I don't fuckin' know!"
"Hey! Why don't we stop?"
"Okay."
And that, ladies an gentlemen, was the birth of clamato juice. Wait,
this is supposed to be a conundrum, not a story. Here's a conundrum: why
do they even bother making different kinds of cats? They all act the same
way. They all act like cats.
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BERKELEY INFERNO: MATT'S SATANIC DISCOVERIES OF THE WEEK
(These are actually true.)
1. The L&S major code for Physics is 666.
2. The call numbers for all editions of the Holy Bible in the Main
Stacks library begin with BS.
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MATT HOLOHAN FUN FACT #1
The name "Holohan" is an Americanized form of "Houlihan," which is
an Anglicized form of the Gaelic word "Uallachain," which means "arrogant."
Imagine that.
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MATT HOLOHAN FUN FACT #2
In 1995 Matt transferred from Redondo Union High School to Redlands
High School. That year, Matt's student ID number at RUHS was 2301. His
student ID number at RHS that year was 4026. The digits of his RUHS number,
2301, can be permuted to 2013 which, when doubled, becomes 4026, which
was Matt's RHS number.
(Note: Contrary to popular belief, Matt does not, in fact, have too
much time on his hands. He merely has very poor time management skills,
as well as no social life.)
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MATT'S FRIENDLY ADVICE OF THE WEEK
"The Breakfast Club" is a fine film, but stop watching it after they
smoke out. After that John Hughes decided to turn of the comedy switch
and turn on the "everybody feel sorry for us because we're teenagers" switch.
Sad, sad, sad.
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MATT'S UN-PORNOGRAPHIC SPANISH SENTENCE OF THE WEEK
Me gusta molestar testigos.
(I like to bother witnesses).
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This will conclude this week's Matt Holohan Report. Keep those suggestions
coming, and spread the word! Nobody wanted to take any of my flyers this
week, so I'm relying on referrals. Make me big!
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That is all.
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html