Disclaimer: You are receiving this email because you have expressed
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but will soon get over it. So there.
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Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 11. 06/18/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.)
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Sorry this is abnormally late, but you try working 60 hours a week
and see how eager you are to sit down and empty your mind into a Notepad
window. So there.
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PUT DOWN THE RAZOR
Long overdue for a haircut, Matt stopped by his favorite Korean barber
shop this week to have his ears lowered. Unfortunately as soon as he walked
in he was met with angry barks from a Napoleonic dog getting its fur primped
in one of the barbers' chairs. Although the idea of his barber doubling
as a dog-groomer was disturbing itself, what really sent Matt fleeing from
the room was the prospect of having his hair cut while wheezing and rubbing
his eyes. Not good. And so, he took a few steps to the left and decided
to patronize the old-skool barber shop nextdoor. Straight from the 50s,
this quaint establishment featured two senile barbers who were so enamored
with the technological advance of the electric razor that they make every
attempt to use actual scissors as little as possible. And, as if that
weren't attractive enough, Matt's barbery experience was colored by several
pearls of wisdom and nonsensical conversations between the proprietors.
For example:
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"I always wanted to go on a horse. They say the best way to go is for
someone to walk through a door and shoot you in the back. What could be
better than that?"
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"There are two programs called 'Cops'."
"It's the same program, just different episodes."
"Oh."
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"'Early Edition' is about a young fella who gets tomorrow's paper a
day early. So he sees who's gonna die and what accidents are gonna happen
and tries to prevent them."
"I'd go straight to the track."
"You'd have to be careful. If you made too much money you'd get the
mob after you."
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In the man's defense, however, he was the first of Matt's barbers in
the past five years to get his sideburns right. Of course, the rest of
his head looks like crap, but you take the good with the bad.
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LIES MY SUPERVISOR TOLD ME
Matt underwent extensive training this week for the crappier of his
two summer jobs. Despite the fact that the two perky female trainers repeatedly
assured the group of trainees that they would go through each section "really
fast," each portion of the training followed this formula:
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Girl 1 reads something from the trainee manual.
Girl 2 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 1 just said.
Girl 1 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 2 just said.
Girl 2 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 1 just said.
Girl 1 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 2 just said.
Girl 2 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 1 just said.
Girl 1 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 2 just said.
Girl 2 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 1 just said.
Girl 1 says "Yeah" and paraphrases what Girl 2 just said.
Girl 2 gives an irrelevant example from her own personal experience.
Girl 1 gives an irrelevant example from her own personal experience.
Girl 2 gives another irrelevant example from her own personal experience.
Girl 1 gives another irrelevant example from her own personal experience.
Both girl look at the clock and promise to have us out on time.
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The end result being, of course, that each training session went at
least an hour over schedule. The only way Matt managed to preserve his
sanity was by mentalling going through the Greek alphabet backwards, which
is what Batman did when Catwoman inflicted Chinese water torture on him.
Lousy communists.
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NIPPLES OF PROPHECY
With the next millenium approaching, Matt has compiled a brief list
of things that he predicts will be looked back on and laughed at as "cheesy
90s stuff": shiny short-sleeved button-down shirts; short, spiked yellow
hair; hoof shoes; using "so" do modify verbs; saying "It's all about...";
chick folk music; goths; Mexican papier mache carrots (sadly, the only
person who could possibly get this joke never reads these reports); bestiality.
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WHO CARES?
And now, the answers to last week's Calvin and Hobbes trivia extravaganza:
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Accord to Hobbes, tigers are made of "Dragonflies and katytids but
mostly chewed-up little kids." Obscure? Maybe. Funny? Definitely!
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The one rule of Calvinball is that it can never be played the same
way twice. Oddly enough, the fact that this rule is followed every
game indicates that it's played the same way every time. The rule is a
paradox. That's right, not just one dock, but a paradox.
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Calvin's parents are never identified by their first names. Another
trick question. Mwa ha ha ha haaaa.
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Bill Watterson quickly stopped drawing pads on Hobbes' front paws.
The idea was to make them look more like hands.
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The intergalactic superhero is the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. Spiffy.
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LESSON OF THE WEEK
If you're telling jokes to a girl you've just met and she fails to
understand even the simplest punchlines (even after you've explained them
to her repeatedly), ask if she's in a sorority. Better yet, ask if she's
in Kappa Alpha Theta.
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THE FUTURE IS SOON
Matt has become as busy as a beaver on speed, so he has decided to
put the Matt Holohan Club on hiatus until the beginning of the fall semester
in August. Yes, it's sad, but you'll just have to find someone else to
pester you with their irreverent and mundane experiences and observations.
On the bright side, the new incarnation of the Matt Holohan Club and Report
will
be better than ever (of course, it was never very impressive to begin
with, so improving it won't be much of a project). In the meantime Matt
will still be accepting and replying to fan, hate, and indifferent mail,
and Matt's Silly Time Fun Page will be updated sporadically. Have a marvy
summer.
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I'm missing skin.
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html