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Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue.
In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly
interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences
and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example,
despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring
to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1, ISS. 10 -- 06/11/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as Norman Fell.)
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BUILDING A MYSTERY
Thanks in part to the efforts of FOM "M." Kare, Matt landed a job at
a company in San Francisco this week. However, due to a lengthy and intimidating
non-disclosure agreement which Matt had to sign before the interview began,
Matt is unsure as to exactly how much information he can divulge about
the nature of the company. In order to avoid legal difficulties (Matt has
had enough of those already, thank you very much), Matt will just say that
he will be doing "something" for a company with "some name" that provides
"some service" to "some people." The job pays "some amount" of "some currency,"
and the duration of the employment is "some length" of time. If Matt were
to provide any further information he'd have to kill you.
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THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART
Matt went to the first training session for his other job this afternoon
and discovered that he'll have to work for the organization for four to
six weeks before seeing his first pay check. Stupid Berkeley bureaucracy!
How the Hell is Matt supposed to support his crack and whore and crack
whore habits if he won't be gettin' the greens for a month and a half?
Looks like he'll have to go back to selling babies on the black market
again. This enterprise, however, is rather sparse at present, since the
vast majority of Berkeley's sorority girls (Matt's main source of pawnable
unwanted babies), have migrated back to Orange County for the season. Crap
and a half.
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THERE SHE GOES
Matt went and saw Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me this week.
Just as Matt was exiting the theater, he saw a girl he knew from Redondo
High School walk by. This just happened to be the first girl that Matt
ever fell in love with (this was, of course, before Matt's series of poorly
conceived mismatched relationships effectively destroyed any capacity he
ever had for
things like love, intimacy, and commitment), not to mention the first
girl to show him just how lousy being in love is. While seeing her didn't
stir up any latent feelings of longing or any Degrassi Junior High crap
like that, it did jar his mind a bit as it momentarily smacked him back
to the days when he was an introverted, awkward 16-year-old, as well as
providing
him with the opportunity to reflect on the two miserable years he spent
pining for this foul temptress. Never again!
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NOTE: The preceding piece was a rare glimpse into Matt's little-known
personal side. Hopefully it will never happen again.
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TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
Matt once again must apologize for an error. In last week's Matt Holohan
Report, Matt mistakenly stated that his inappropriate identification of
Marilyn vos Savant occurred the previous week, when in fact this error
had occurred two weeks prior. Thanks again to the venerable Jason N. Rosenbaum
for pointing out yet another of Matt's brain farts. The sad thing is that
Matt was fully aware of this and even intended originally to write "two
weeks ago" instead of "last week," but since Matt usually plays Minesweeper
or Free Cell between features his head tends to clear before he starts
writing, leading him to forget little details like that. This latest mistake
has also revealed that Mr. Raisin Bomb enjoys pointing out Matt's mistakes,
so here's another one for you: The capital of Brussels is Detroit.
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MANDY
It's trivia time! This week Matt's going to shake things up once again
by posing an unprecedented set of Calvin and Hobbes trivia questions. Why?
Because we like you. M-O-U-S-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
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1. Little boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. Little
girls are made of sugar and lye and everything rye. According to Hobbes,
what are tigers made of?
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2. What is the one rule of Calvinball?
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3. What are Calvin's parents' first names?
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4. During the early days of the strip, Bill Watterson made a slight
change to the way he drew Hobbes in order to make him look more human.
What was it?
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5. What is the name of the intergalactic superhero that Calvin often
imagines himself as?
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BRUCE'S PHILOSOPHER SONG
By Eric Idle
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Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who are very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya'
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
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John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descarte was a drunken fart,
"I drink therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.
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Sorry about that, but this song has been stuck in Matt's head all damn
week.
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That will be all.
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocties.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html