Datclaimer: The following report may contain things which are untrue. In fact, it probably does. Matt's life isn't terribly interesting and he often feels the need to embellish his experiences and use other means to dress up his narrative. For example, despite the fact that Matt is writing this himself, he insists on referring to himself in the third person. What a putz. Hey!

THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOL. 1 ISS. 1, 04/09/99
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(formerly known as the American Flottage Society)

Matt's Adventures of the Week

Matt had lots of fun screwing with people campaigning for their respective pathetic political parties. On Thursday he saw one of the Lollipop candidates handing out lollipops to people who hadn't yet voted. Matt went up to this girl and said, "Excuse me. I haven't voted yet, and I would like a lollipop." The girl gave him one. He then unwrapped it and put it in his mouth, and then said, "Ha, ha. I already voted. And you just gave me a free lollipop anyway. Loser! I hope your candidates all lose! I hate you!" He then did a little dance while singing the "Lollipop Guild" song from Wizard of Oz. The girl was visibly upset.

Matt also finally got off his tuckus and put the official Matt Holohan Club web page online, which involved a lengthy and grueling battle with his dilapidated Packard Bell computer. It probably could have been done sooner, but Matt took a momentary break to watch the hail storm that broke out whilst he was working. Funny thing about hail. You try to catch it, but then it hits your hand and just turns to slush. Still, some pretty freaky precipitation as precipitation goes. Anyway, the site can be found at www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html. It's off my main home page, which is all that crap without the "matt.html" at the end. Be sure and check out the "member statistics" area, since there might just be a mention of you! Eeeeee!

While on his way to Blondie's to enjoy a nice greasy slice of pizza lovingly prepared by unbathed alcoholics, Matt saw something pretty funny. A woman had pulled her car over and gotten out to make a phone call at the pay phone on the corner of Haste and Dana. She had left the car running, and her dog was in the car waiting for her. The funny thing is, the dog had moved over and sat down in the driver's seat and was facing forward, so it looked like the dog was the driver of the car and that he was waiting for the woman--his passenger, mind you--to hurry up and finish her call so he--the dog--could drive away! A dog driving a car! Oh, how Matt laughed and laughed. And laughed!

Matt's Upfuct Dream of the Week

On Tuesday night Matt had a dream that a crazy yokel was trying to kill him with a chainsaw. Matt was sitting on a couch in his dream, and the crazy yokel came at him with a chainsaw. Matt valiantly tried to foil the attacker by kicking at him, but the chainsaw made short work of the soles of Matt's stylish Schecher boots. Matt's next line of defense was his arm, which ended up rather scratched and also failed to stop the chainsaw. Finally the yokel got smart and started sawing through Matt's knee. Although Matt could see the blade cutting through his leg and the blood squirting everywhere and all that, he didn't feel any pain (although he screamed quite loudly). So after the yokel was done with his knee Matt just got up and hobbled away. Then he woke up. Boy, that was a dream, all right.

And now, "The Tyger" by William Blake:

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

That's a poem about Satan. Satan is an anagram of "as ants." A palindrome involving Satan is "Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas." They Might Be Giants have a song called "I Palindrome I." That's a very good song, but it's not as good as "The Tyger" by William Blake, which isn't a song but is still better than "I Palindrome I."

Matt's Conundrum of the Week

You go to the supermarket, you head toward the dairy section, you get sidetracked by the magazines, maybe, but eventually you get to the shelves of milk. You notice that there's quite a selection of milk to choose from. Will it be Knudsen? Golden Creme? Alta Dena? Berkeley Farms? How do you decide? What information do you have that would allow you to make an educated decision? WHY DON'T MILK COMPANIES ADVERTISE INDIVIDUALLY??? All we ever see are those pesky "Got Milk?" ads, but that's for milk in general, not individual companies. We have to assume that there's some sort of differentiation between the quality of milk put out by different dairies. Different companies must have different quality cows, facilities, purification processes, etc... So why aren't they actively competing with each other? If all milk is, in fact, the exact same quality, why even bother having different packaging? Why doesn't everyone just put their milk in big white cartons that say "MILK"? There's a thinker for you. If anyone has an explanation for this I'd appreciate it if they'd keep it to themselves, since if it got out this would no longer be much of a conundrum.

Matt's Movie Trivia Extravaganza of the Week

Below are three bits of dialogue from three different movies. If you can name all three films and all six speakers (actor or character names are fine), you just might win a date with Matt Holohan! (Note: If you have a Y chromosome, you cannot win a date with Matt Holohan. You can, however, win Matt's admiration and respect.) Well, now that I have you all foaming at the mouth, here are the questions!

1. "Stop this rhyming! Now! I mean it!"
 "Does anybody want a peanut?"
Hint: The answer is NOT Carey Grant and Vivien Leigh from "Gone With the Wind."

2. "Come for me, Gamork! I am Atreju!"
 "Graaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!"
Hint: Once again, the answer is NOT--repeat, NOT Carey Grant and Vivien Leigh from "Gone With the Wind."

3. "My father was a Roman!"
 "A woman?"
 "No, a Roman!"
 "Centuwian, stwike him! Vewy wuffwy!"
Hint: This may or may not be Carey Grant and Vivien Leigh from "Gone With the Wind."

Matt's Artie Quote of the Week
"Big fat cheater man! FOUL! I claim foul. I do agree with my claim."

Matt's Advice for the Week

Sunscreen goes on your skin. Don't drink it. It won't do any good unless the sun is in your belly. Then it might do some good. But if the sun is in your belly you've probably got bigger problems than where sunscreen is supposed to go.

Matt's Joke of the Week

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt.
Special thanks to FOM Jon "Sourdough" Gunn for that joke.

This will conclude this week's Matt Holohan Report. If you have any ideas for MHR features, please let Matt know by replying to this email and telling him about it. Remember that the Matt Holohan Club is still in its infancy, so Matt is uncharacteristically open to suggestions. Also, word of mouth is really important so if you like what you see, tell your friends! If you don't like what to you see, tell you friends anyway! You can all be enemies of Matt! Yeah!

Be sure and sign the guestbook if you visit Matt's web page.

That is all.

Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html