Matt's Hard-Learned Lessons
These are some grim truths and bits of advice that
I had to
discover via my own miserable errors. To save you
all the trouble,
I've decided to pass along the knowledge I've gained
from my
inestimable stupidity. Please, take them to heart.
Meat.
If you use Krazy Glue to fix the nosepad on your
glasses,
wait until the glue dries before you put them back
on.
***
Never casually use the word "bitch" during a
conversation with a feminist.
***
Never claim to "have more ho's than Chinatown" if
there's
an Asian person present.
***
Propane lamps will burn you if you touch them.
***
Froot Loops are good. Orange soda is good.
Froot Loops and orange soda together are not good.
***
Women lie. A lot.
***
Never buy a Packard Bell computer.
***
If you spend all your time working on a lame web
page,
your grades will go the way of poop.
***
If a guy twice your size tells you to stop looking
at him,
stop looking at him.
***
If you're at a party and everyone's drunk except
for you,
either start drinking or leave.
***
If a sorority member asks you what you have against
sororities, just walk away.
***
Just because a professor wins $100,000 on the
Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions doesn't mean
he can teach worth a hen's ass.
***
Nobody wants to hear about your scrotal maladies.
***
If your girlfriend tells you she thinks you're gay,
break
up with her right then. Don't wait a week. This one's
important.
***
Wisecracks have no place in a multivariable calculus
exam.
***
When Becca Lesko and Luke Loomis tell you they're
organizing
a parade and feast to celebrate your arrival, they
ain't just blowin' smoke.
***
If you've got some kittens to get rid of, take them
to be
euthanized. Don't use a hammer.
***
If you ever feel the need to explain the "stud/whore"
double-standard in terms of sociobiological principles,
make
sure the number of men present is greater than the
number
of women before proceeding.
***
Poop is cool.
***
Home.