On the Subject of Me
Matt's vital statistics and other info that nobody cares about.
Illness is bad.
Full Name: Matthew Christian
Ignatius Andronicus Shaft Mochambo Holohan III
Birthdate: October the Twenty-Sixth,
the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred Seventy Eight
Birthplace: Newport Beach,
CA, in illustrious postsuburban Orange County
Hobbies: Poking people in
the eye, eating Chex Mix, objectifying women, pretending to be friends
with people only to exploit them for my personal gain, worrying about the
future, smelling things to create memory transgressions, nuclear physics,
putting tape on cats' heads and watching them go crazy, saying "BOY, HOWDY!",
pimpin', the Name Game, basking in delusions of grandeur and persecution,
putting on pants, sleeping, lesbian erotica, impersonating Luke Filose,
making elaborate plans and then not following through with them, alienating
people, kicking ass for the Lord, headlice.
Matt's Ideal Woman: Fulfills
as many of the following parameters as possible: Is 5'6" or shorter; likes
physics; doesn't drink; isn't Canadian; doesn't mind complete emotional
detachment; has minor bisexual tendencies; and is just the slightest bit
oversexed.
Matt's Ideal Sex Kitten:
Fulfills as many of the following parameters as possible: Is 5'6" or shorter;
is incredibly oversexed; has little recall for names and faces; doesn't
own a phone.
What Matt Wants to Do With His
Life: Get an advanced degree in applied physics, become a respected
optical engineer, get a nice house in Palos Verdes, enjoy a series of noncommital
sexual relationships with beautiful South Bay women, and conquer the world.
Or maybe just Canada.
What Matt Will Actually Do With
His Life: Get a modest
B.S. in Physics, become a miserable high school science teacher in the
Inland Empire, marry a horrible shrew of a woman, have no less than three
ungrateful and dysfunctional children, waste what little money he'll make
on pornography and crank, and die a pathetic old man in a retirement home
in San Bernardino.
Uh...
I'm sad now. Goodnight.
:(
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