What, beetch? I say...
FA-Q!
I dream of Kate Winslet every
night.
As a big internet star, I get
lots of questions from my loyal fans. Many of
these questions are stupid.
I'm a really busy guy ('cause I'm a pimp and all), so I
don't have time to answer every
question individually, especially the stupid ones.
And so, as a service to my
fans, I've compiled this list of frequently asked questions.
Some of them even have answers!
Pipe!
KATE!
bE mINE!
Q: How did you get so smart?
A: The key to intelligence is a
healthy diet, lots of reading, and sleeping with a different woman
every night. If you don't like sleeping
with women, eat lots of peas. That helps, too.
*
Q: What made you decide to return
to the world wide web?
A: I got bored and was tired of
my usual hobby: wandering the streets and killing midgets.
*
Q: What do you look like?
A: See
for yourself.
*
Q: No, really.
A: See
for yourself.
*
Q: Come on, really.
A: See
for yourself.
*
Q: You're a little bitch, you know
that?
A: Yes.
*
Q: What is it with you and David
Prowse?
A: David Prowse is great! I love
David Prowse! Don't ever question the greatness of David Prowse! I'll kill
you! DAVID PROWSE!!!
*
Q: How do you do that stuff with
your arm?
A: My family was poor when I was
a child so my parents sold me to the government for experiments.
*
Q: Is that what happened to your
forehead?
A: Hey.
*
Q: Will you go out with me?
A: Yes.
*
Q: Have you ever had a lesbian
experience?
A: I'm one big walking lesbian
experience, thank you very much.
*
Q: Did you really date Claire Danes?
A: Of course I did. Who do you
think Jordan in "My So-Called Life" was based on?
*
Q: You?
A: No.
*
Q: Why did you and Claire break
up?
A: We both had our problems with
the relationship. She got tired of me comparing her to Kate
Winslet and I got tired of her being
a moron.
*
Q: How does a prototypical Tokamak
magnetic confinement fusion reactor work?
A: Deuterium and tritium atoms
in the form of plasma (the fourth state of matter, in which atoms are ionized
so that their nuclei and electron clouds become separated and create a
cloud of positive nuclei and negative electrons with a net zero electric
charge) are placed in a large metal torus-shaped reactor. A wire is coiled
axially around the outside of the torus. An electric current is run through
the wire, creating an axial magnetic field within the torus which accelerates
the positively charged tritons and deuterons. If sufficient speed is reached,
the nuclei will collide and fuse to produce a stable helium nucleus, a
neutron, and an average of 17.6 MeV of energy per reaction. An outer lithium
blanket absorbs the energy in the form of heat, which can then be put to
use in industrial power production. This isn't brain surgery, folks. It's
nuclear physics.
*
Q: What's your favorite movie?
A: Summer School.
*
Q: What's your favorite color?
A: Red. Red is the color of sex.
*
Q: Have you seen my keys?
A: They're on top of your dresser.
*
Q: Do you like children?
A: Yes. They're delicious.
*
Q: What's up with your sack?
A: They thought it was epididimitis,
but now they think it might be cysts. I'm supposed to go to the urologist
next week. I'll find out for sure then. Five urologists at that place and
I couldn't get an appointment for four weeks. I guess Berkeley is a big
place for urological maladies.
**SACK UPDATE:
I just went to the urologist and it turns out that the geniuses at the
'Tang Center have their heads even farther up their asses than I had thought.
The latest theory seems to be that my bits and pieces have somehow gotten
twisted around and tangled up with each other, and that's what's been causing
the pain. I'm now taking Ibuprofen as needed and it should work itself
out within a month. I guess this means I'll have to stop my nightly sessions
of "Nut Twisties." Crap.
*
Q: Why did you write that awful
Michael Dukakis article?
A: Fuck off. I thought it was funny.
*
Q: Are we about done here?
A: I think so.
Home.