Claire Danes'
Guide to Dating Matt Holohan
Mmmmmm... Kate Winslet.
Hi, net surfers, Claire Danes
here. Now that Matt is a big famous internet star, it's
almost certain that lots of
girls will want to date him. And with good reason, too.
As Matt's ex-girlfriend, I
know the magic of Matt that only a priveleged few have
been exposed to. As a public
service to all the lonely women out there who are eager
to get to know the softer side
of the web's favorite self-destructive megalomaniac, I've
decided to compile all the
tricks I've learned to keep Matt happy and make your dating
experience with him memorable
and enjoyable.
I hope Kate sees this page.
I wish she would date me.
Yes!
1. Your wardrobe: Do's and Don'ts
DO: Wear nylons, tights, stockings,
or other enticing hosiery. Matt's got a bit of a fetish.
DON'T: Wear camoflauge. Matt's
afraid of the military. Especially the Coast Guard.
DO: Wear red. Matt likes red. Red
is the color of sex.
DON'T: Wear yellow. Matt hates
yellow. Yellow is the color of whoredom.
DO: Wear very small T-shirts that
accentuate your womanly form.
DON'T: Wear very large T-shirts
that say "I HATE MATT."
DO: Wear shiny silver clothing.
Shiny clothing gets Matt excited.
DON'T: Wear shoes that make you
look fat. Matt hates fat chicks.
Oh, Kate, what you do to me.
2. The dinner: Conversation
tips.
Matt will probably take you to
the Olive Garden. Don't freak out if he loads up on the breadsticks.
Matt likes to consume a lot of starch and carbohydrates. They make him
poop. Chances are, Matt
will start talking about physics at some point during the conversation.
Also,
if you're the kind of girl Matt
usually dates, you probably won't understand a word of it. If
this happens, just nod your head and
pretend to be interested in what he's talking about. This
will make him happy. Otherwise, he'll
get all moody and weird and you'll never get any.
Here are some phrases to avoid:
•"Good God, man! That's the biggest
forehead I've ever seen! I could park my car in there!"
•"I really like England."
•"I'm Canadian."
•"I'm in a sorority."
•"This isn't my natural color,
I'm actually blonde."
•"Gosh, that waiter's cute. I could
fuck that all day long."
•"You suck. I hate you. Die."
Here are some good phrases to use:
•"I really like red-haired guys
with big foreheads."
•"Watching you pack away those
breadsticks really gets me going. Have some more."
•"Gosh, that waitress is cute.
I could fuck that all day long."
•"I love it when you talk about physics. Tell me again
about why soap bubbles have those neat colors."
•"Take me, Matt Holohan. I want your Irish loving right
here, right now."
When the check comes, just let Matt pay. Don't make a
big ordeal about wanting to go Dutch or anything.
He'll know you're not sincere about it. Besides, he'll want a reason to
demand sex later on. Just let him pay. Trust me. He
can afford it. He worked at Kmart one summer, you know.
Kate Kate Kate should be my mate
mate mate.
If you're having sex with Matt
Holohan:
Yeah, right.
Kate could.
Home.