1978: Born on October 26 in Newport Beach,
CA. The first thing his mother says upon seeing him is "He’s got a pointed
head!" Things go downhill from there.
1979: An accident involving radioactive kitty litter causes
Matt’s forehead to begin growing at an abnormal rate.
1982: Matt experiences his first moment of sadistic pleasure
as he watches one of his enemies at Community Christian Preschool sob in
the corner.
1983: Matt’s family moves to El Toro, which is Spanish for "El
Bull."
1986: Matt learns the ins and outs of sex (pardon the pun) from
the Mormon kid down the street, and begins to wonder what would happen
if a girl wanted to have sex with him but he didn’t have to go to the bathroom.
1989: Matt’s family moves to Redondo Beach, which is Spanish
for "Round Playa."
1990: Matt gets is first girlfriend. Weeks later she is removed
from school and placed in a mental institution. Matt is sad.
1991: After giving a classmate a huge welt on the back of his
leg, Matt realizes that his enormous calves are a valuable defense.
1992: Matt discovers that he is double-jointed in his knees,
wrists, elbows, and shoulders, and that he can bend his right pinky all
the way down without moving his other fingers, and realizes that he is
an even bigger freak than he had previously thought.
1993: Matt joins the Redondo Union High School football team
and transforms from a fat funny-looking kid into a slim funny-looking kid.
1995: A political upheaval in Redondo Beach results in Matt’s
exile to the evil city of Redlands, where he transforms from a bitter introverted
kid into a bitter extroverted kid.
1997: During the Redlands High School graduation ceremony, Matt
enjoys a few games of Bust a Move at a nearby pool hall. He picks up his
diploma a week later.
1999: Matt becomes the Honorable Founder of the Matt Holohan
Club, under the misguided delusion that anyone anywhere gives a hen's ass
about his miserable life.
Espalda.