Lewisville Trombone Line
Corny Band Jokes
This was all stolen from many authors... enjoy.
A Little Story
August, 1998, Montevideo:
Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay,
in a
misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to
the
cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of
Tchaikovsky's
1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness
he
placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength
to a
quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then
stuck
the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve
bass
trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through
bandages on
his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from
the
explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's
and
away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a
rocket."
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to
use
high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the
firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high
enough so
as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those
delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to
sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute
between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the
orchestra,
missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor,
driving
him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they
were
protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them
passing
the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of
people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the
people in
the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of
collapsing
wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased
logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass
playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on
stage
Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the
I
heard
the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in
slow
motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I
heard a
voice with a Austrian accent say
"Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"
Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for
a
textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having
failed to
plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast
to
send a super-heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the
trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so
great
it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it
inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the
riser.
And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on
the
slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing
through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden
spear
into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the
trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What do you call a guy who knows how to play a trombone and doesn't?
A gentleman.
What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"
What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!
How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags.
How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.
How many trombones does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he will do it too loudly.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Year-at-a-Glance
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
An optimist.
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
What's the best kind of trombone?
A broken one!
What do you call a trombonist with half a brain?
Gifted.
How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.
What's the least used sentence in the English language?
"Look at that trombone player's Mercedes-Benz!"
What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A beggar.
What did the trombonist get on his IQ test?
Drool.
What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
"You want fries with that?"
You are driving down a street and your director and a trombone player are crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first?
1. Your director. Business before pleasure!
2. Who cares?!
Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
You could have fit more trombones in it.
What's the difference between a trombonist and a mouse?
The mouse actually gets some attention.
How do you make a trombone sound better?
Run it over with a lawnmower.
What's the first position a trombonist learns?
Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.
What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxophone section?
The Trombone's weren't meant to sound like 2 cats in a fight, but they do.
How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him really thin.
How do you make a trombone player's car more aerodynamic?
Take the pizza sign off the top of his car.
Why did the trombone player cross the expressway during rush hour?
Good question.
A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band.
The director says,"Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy
replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies
"Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!"
A trombone player walks past a bar.
Could have fooled me!
What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
How many lessons does it take to teach a beginner trombone player to play a note?
Two, One to learn how to put it together and the second lesson to learn how to blow into it.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.
How many trumpeters does it take to change a lightbulb?
4: One to screw it in, three to say how much better they could have done it.
Why are trombones the best lovers?
Trumpets do it with three fingers, baritones do it with four, and
trombones do it in seven positions.
How many trombone players does it take to tile a floor?
One, if you slice him thinly enough!
What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
1. An opportunity for an improvised solo.
2. A polite reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past 5 minutes.
How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
Put a page of music in front of him.
How do you get him to stop completely?
Put notes on the page.
What's the difference between a weed-eater and a trombone?
Your neighbor will get angry if you don't return the weed-eater.
A missionary, on a very important trip in the depths of the jungles
of the Congo, comes upon a lost civilization, which strangely has a deep
connection with music. In fact, everywhere he went, he heard in the
distance the constant beat of drums. He decides to try and convert
these people, but the first thing he had to do was learn their
language. After almost three years, he finally deciphers the language.
He approaches the chief, and the very first thing that the missionary
asks is,"Great Chief, everywhere I go here I hear drum beats. Why do
you constantly play the drums?" The Great Chief respondes,"IF DRUMS
STOP, TERRIBLE DISASTER WILL OCCUR." The missionary, somewhat puzzled,
asks,"Do you think that there will be a flood, earthquake, disease,
famine, what?" The Chief shakes his head sadly and says,"EVEN WORSE.
IF THE DRUMS EVER STOP, BIG TROMBONE SOLO!!!"
- What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
- On or off.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays
it!
This, of course, is a classic.
conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to god
saxophone player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself
percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets himself with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with himself
flute player:
barely clears a Quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by god
clarinet player:
Too afraid too jump over short buildings
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is god
bassoonist:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive ...on purpose.
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals
oboist:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to god if special request is approved
horn player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with god
trumpet player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's god.
trombone player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is god
How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll break 15 before
he figures out that they screw in!
What's the
difference between a piccolo and a dog
whistle?
1.The what
between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
2.Dog
whistles are played by men to attract dogs.
3.If you have
good ears, you can hear a dog whistle.
4.A dog
whistle irritates only one species.
5.Tuning.
6.In marching
band, the dog whistle is dangerous, while the piccolo is merely
useless.
7.The
price.
8.The
value.
9.People with
dog whistles usually know how to play them.
10.You can't
tune a piccolo.
You will not find the word "fear" in the trombonist's vocabulary. Or "piano",
"mezzo piano", or "pianissimo".
What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented
chord?
A demented chord.
WARNING TO ALL CONDUCTORS!!!
Never look at a trombone
section. It only encourages them.