I have tried to compile The list of stupid, insane or otherwise funny quotes. If you have any to add, please mail me, and I might just add your name on a quote contribution list! Please feel free to use these in any way, shape, form, or fashion. If you pass 'em around, please put my e-mail address on them, so they know where they came from.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
-- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer
questions about the House Bank scandal.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
-- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush
wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be
no loss of wetlands
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out.
They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their
heads in a nodding position."
-- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information,
responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission
inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were
sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
-- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan,
explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by
two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where
I was flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the
Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned
to the US
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
-- President Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on
chlordane
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV
commentator
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century."
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican
vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which
he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
-- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in
an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary "American
Scholar"
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
them unsafe."
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are
vastly underpolluted."
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
-- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode
Island
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
by a ball in the 1934 World Series
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.)
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--Bill Gates, 1981
"When I go out there on the lawn and I think about those kids, picking up
Easter Eggs, I want to be able to think about them all being immunized."
--President Bill Clinton, commenting on the White
House Easter Egg Roll while trying to get Republicans
for blocking his proposed stimulus package, which
included funding for child Immunization.
"Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't
remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get
in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to
make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in
school."
--Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
--Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
--Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"Thought for the day: One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't
go in."
--Wayne Gretzky
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television
by candlelight."
--George Gobel
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and
dead armadillos."
-- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of
handicapped people in wheelchairs
"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
-- Texas Rep. Renal Rosson
"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
-- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been
studying Spanish
"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself
against the charge that he would personally profit from
a bill he introduced.
"Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
-- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about
repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal
"I am filled with humidity."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin'
rights on that man's head."
-- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
discussing President George Bush's policies
"I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a
budget hearing
"Let's do this in one foul sweep."
-- Texas House Speaker Bill Clayton
"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I want to thank each and every one of you for
having extinguished yourselves this session."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
-- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis