KAT

Sitting in a corner in the caf� illuminated by yellow fluorescent bulbs that gave the caf� a warm and homey feeling. She was surrounded by nameless faces, all indulging in mindless banter with one another. In front of her a couple was staring dreamily into each other's eyes�Thinking to herself, "Poor things how delusional they are". Enjoying, but the early stages of courtship. Did they not realize that it is but just an instant of happiness that they are feeling? In a few days, a few months would they still be together? No. For the those who are in love are indeed blind and since those who have lost their sight would not be in their right frame of mind to make decisions that only a person with sight can. A person loves with the heart but not with the mind, making decisions that one party or both, regret in the end.

Sipping her tall caf� mocha, she inhaled the strong aromas that surround her. She was in black, the color of mourning, but then who was she mourning for? Only for herself, she mourns for the plight that she was in. She laments as to which why was she in this situation. Deep within her there was an inner turmoil a conflict to which a raging storm of anger and frustration was felt.

"Why am I alone?" she asked herself repeatedly, silently. "Why am I feeling this way? Am I that ugly or heinous that nobody cares for me?" But then there's another conflict within her, a silent voice whispering to her, "You don't need anyone! You are independent, strong and can do whatever you want!" She wanted to agree to this inner voice but then the nagging feeling that she wasn't wanted and wasn't loved tore her apart inside. "Why should I want to be loved, if the decisions that I make would be dumb ones. Clouded by a web of deceit and lies. To be loved by inconstant fools."

She wasn't ugly but neither was she a raving beauty. She was the typical girl-next-door that every boy wants to bring home to mum. But alas, she was not the size which men would go for. Basically, she was big�Very big! She wasn't always this size you know, but somehow when she reached puberty her body began to grow, horizontally instead of vertically. Met with aunts and uncles who had no tact, they said, "Oh you have such a sweet face�but only if you lost a little weight?" or "You were so slim when you were small� What happened?" or "So cute! You look just like your Grandma when she was your age.." She was so fed up with all those remarks. It wasn't that she didn't try, but all those diets and exercises didn't do anything for her. So, one day she finally gave up.

She grew not in the height department but in the waist and hip. Her mother gave up on her, realising that there was nothing she could do to "minimize" her daughter. Oh she loved her daughter like all mothers do.

She had crushes, lots and lots of them but then she was too shy to say a word about anything. Fearing reboots of ridicule or scorn from them or from those who she calls friends. Why should she call them friends anyway, they never showed a single sentiment that the care or sympathize with her? Or asked was she alright or anything� She felt that it was not fair that she does that for them, help them when they are in need but when she was in need all of them suddenly became "David Copperfields", magicians who disappear leaving no trace behind them.

It was dark outside, almost nine. The caf� was playing music by Ricky Martin, "Casi Un Bolero". She thought how appropriate it was, a sad tune crooned by her favourite Latin singer. She hums softly to herself as she proceeds to tear the chocolate croissant apart. Letting the pastry flakes fall onto the white plate. Tears welled up in her eyes and she savours the bitter sweet chocolate croissant. "I don't care anymore, since nobody cares about let me be the one who cares for me. Just indulging in this would make me a happier person." But she knows deep inside this was not true. How she longed to feel like the young couple before her, but she knows what was not meant to be, was not meant to be.

As she consumed the last bite of the croissant she decided that it was just a foolish notion that she must be in love, that she has to be in love. She decided that�s she was just not meant to love and be loved by someone who cares for her. "Hey, who would want someone like me�" She sipped what was left of her caf� mocha, picked up her bag and slowly walked out the door. And she walked right in to something, someone actually. She mumbled apologies and looked up to see the kindest eyes you could ever see. "No, no it was my fault, I'm sorry," the stranger answered. On the floor, at their feet were their books. Amazingly, both of them were reading "Pandora", the newest novel by Anne Rice. He bent down too pick up the books at the same time as she was, and their heads collided. They started apologizing to one another again. He started laughing and said, "Hey we should stop bumping to each other this way. I'm Bryan" he smiled the sweetest smile that she had ever seen. And offered his hand as well as her book. "I'm Kat, and thanks."

Kat went off across the road towards the MRT she didn't check her books at all and if she had she would have noticed that it wasn't hers. The next day during lunchtime at the caf� over tuna croissant and a bottle of lime perrier she was flipping through the book trying to find the page which she stopped at but couldn't seem to find. Realising that it wasn't her book she was wondering what was she going to do, when suddenly the smell of Escape became rather strong. She recognised that scent. She looked up and saw him. Bryan. "Hmm, I wasn't sure that I would find you here�Mind if I had lunch with you?" Speechless she didn't know what to say but nod. Anyway what would you say if someone as cute as him comes by and asks whether they could sit and have lunch with you? Of course you would be speechless, of course you would be out of words.

So there they sat discussing about the book and which vampire novels by Anne Rice they had enjoyed. They found that they had similar interests. And enjoyed each others company immensely. That they decided to meet up over coffee afterwards.

She now no longer sits alone and finally found someone who she can call a friend. In front of her sits a couple just as before, but different faces. No longer would she feel envy, no longer would she feel pain. No more. But all that she's feeling is love once again.

Tetty Masniari