ETHAN HUNT vs. JAMES BOND:
SHOWDOWN OF THE CENTURY
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Yes, I'm sure a bunch of people have been waiting for this. Well, here's the one and only place on the Internet where you can find a showdown between America's best intelligence operative, Ethan Hunt, and Britain's own legend, James Bond. The contest has only been whispered of in back alleys and subtly referred to at high class social gatherings, but the substance of the curiosity on who is the better intelligence agent remains an interesting proposition. Nevertheless, the fact remains that it is an intriguing event no matter what happens between the two.
It is certainly a daunting task to expect our own Tom Cruise to be able to defeat the combined forces of Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore, and the eternal Pimp d'Bond, Sean Connery. It is like the idea that Pinky and the Brain could beat Bugs Bunny. There's just no way we can even consider such an event happening. Nevertheless, the possibilities remain quite viable, and so we introduce the transcript of a conversation between Ethan Hunt and James Bond caught on tape during the filming of Tomorrow Never Dies...
ETHAN: Hey, James, how's the SAS treating you?
JAMES: Not bad, not bad. So I hear you got disavowed.
ETHAN: Yeah, it was no big deal. My best friend and his beautiful French wife betrayed me and tried to pin the deaths of my IMF team on me when they were really involved in a scam to sell our NOC-list to an arms dealer named Max.
JAMES: Max? Is that spelled M-A-X?
ETHAN: I can't tell you that. It's classified.
So I guess it is pretty obvious that there is certainly tension between the two intelligence heroes. For the benefit of anyone reading this, here's a break-down on the spies' strengths and weaknesses...
James Bond
Strengths
- Ladies' man extraordinaire. He's gotten tons of chicks over the years.
- Always has enough ammunition for his gun.
- Never afraid to blow something up that gets in his way.
- Knows how to drive a tank.
- Works alone so he never has to count on anyone else.
Weaknesses
- Since he's fooled around with so many chicks, he probably has tons of child support and multiple venereal diseases to contend with.
- Works alone so he never asks for help if he needs it.
- He's been doing intelligence stuff for like 30 years. He's getting old.
Ethan Hunt
Strengths
- Relatively young and full of stamina.
- Never actually scored in Mission: Impossible so he doesn't have to worry about VDs or anything.
- Quite determined when he puts his mind to things.
- Knows a hot chick when he sees one.
Weaknesses
- Never scored in Mission: Impossible so his pride has to hurt a little bit.
- Too comfortable with the phrase "He's dead! They're ALL DEAD!"
- Not as experienced as James Bond.
- Nowhere near Sean Connery on the "cool" scale.
That is all for now. As of 29 November James Bond is favored by a field goal. Stay tuned for more info.
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