Okay, so two weeks ago, your girlfriend told you she's met the man of her dreams. And he's not you. You've gone through the "I'm gonna kill him...!", "What did I do wrong...?" and the "Oh, woe is me..." phase. You're now at the "I'm going to live on, I'm going to survive..." phase. Yep, you're gonna get yourself another woman.

Or maybe you're the guy who just got tired of your own boring, unexciting company, and naked Hustler centerfolds or the images at www.hotsex.com just do not fill you with excitement anymore. You're curious, "what's the deal with real women, anyway?"

Or perhaps your mother has been wondering, very loudly, about when you're going to get married and give her some grandbabies. You know you're not gay. And you want to shut her up. Besides all your friends are getting married anyway. And being the oldest guy in the club is becoming extremely embarassing.

Or maybe you're new in town, and you want to meet some of the more friendly of the female population in your new home, seeing that you're not used to sleeping alone (you stud, you!).

Or maybe it's just another night out with you and your homies. And you're all secretly sick of hanging around an all male crowd.

Either or any other which way you're out to meet and possibly hook up with a member of the opposite sex, a woman. So where should be the first place a bachelor, old and new, (and by bachelor I mean you have a job, just finished school, or you're simply not living with your mama anymore) goes to meet women?

Not art shows, not poetry readings, and definitely not rallies for Women's Rights. A bar. Simple. Or a club. But in a club you'll come across the "I'm only out here to have fun with my girlfriends..." bunch more often. Now that's not news. What would probably be news is that except for the tiny few that get a kick out of crushing your ego to minute particles of dust, most other women in a bar are actually out there to meet and hook up with a member of the opposite sex, a man. Yeah, even a geek like you. And what's more, they actually don't want to leave the bar without at least handing out those digits to a potential paramour. Yeah, that could be you.

So a bar is almost literally a meat market. So what else is new? You're on the menu too. The truth about the complicated mating customs in humans the world over is that the man "chases" the woman until she "catches" him. She's the albeit intelligent "bait", the fishing rod and the fisherman (or fisherperson) all in one. And we (men), are the poor fish. With a difference. We want to be eaten. We put the effort in looking for the "bait" and when we think we've found it, we latch on to it, hoping against hope we're not too small, or crustacean encrusted old boots. But what we usually don't know is that the "bait" has already decided whether we're good enough to eat or not before we even begin our pursuit.

What the heck...enough with the crap analogy, already... More often than not the girl at the bar has already gathered more than enough intelligence about you to make her choice long before you sail in to lay on your knock-'em-off-their-feet opening line. So if you are actually entertaining any hopes of taking a girl's number or the girl herself, home that night, remember this; as soon as you enter the bar you are on display. She has probably been scoping you the instant you came in, on the look out for any signs of "jerk" or "serial killer".

So this is basically how to make sure you're not classified under the "until-hell-freezes-over" category.

It helps that when you enter the place, everybody inside shouts your name (kind of like "Norm!" in "Cheers") and some people go up to greet you. It also helps if everybody calls you to come and sit at their table. It shows you have some status. And status is very important to women. It gives you an aura of power and prestige that is a definite turn-on. Now this doesn't mean that people have to be lining up to kiss your hand, "Don Corleone" style. It means that when you come in with your friends, you have to make sure you shine. And not necessarily more than said friends. You don't have to be the center of attention. If you're one of those wise guys who can crack his friends up any time, or if you're one of those guys that everybody stops to listen to when you speak, you got that covered. If you're not among any friends (or if you don't have any), strike up a friendly conversation with the bartender, providing he or she's not too busy. They're a chatty bunch. Or try to start one with the people sitting around you. Tip:- Start with the guys i.e. "Did you see the game last night?" and then make sure you include the girls. You'll get a group of people around you in no time. And there you have it, instant "status".

The company you keep is another big factor that could work just as easily for or against you. Don't hang out with loud obnoxious S.O.B.s who pinch the waitresses in the ass and generally make nuisances of themselves. Neither should you hang around a bunch of pizza-faced shy guys/geeks with nothing going for them. No offense meant to your friends but note this; they don't make you look any better, (which is the main reason why you're hanging out with them anyway, right?). Even if you're the only one who is not an obnoxious S.O.B. or compared to the others you look like George Clooney, by the time you're seen among them she probably wouldn't give you a second look to see how great you are compared to "these" guys. In the first case, why are you hanging out with such a slimy bunch unless you're slime too? In the second case, you're very likely to be assumed to be the Lord of the Nerdery.

Even if you are hanging with a group of guys that look like a woman's wet dream, and so do you, please, do your scoping discreetly. Don't point at, nudge each other and comment on this girl's boobs or that girl's ass. I know we have to do it, but use pre-arranged hand signals, write on pieces of paper, or learn to use just words (quietly) to accurately describe her relative position and the body part that just caught you attention. It doesn't matter, just don't ever be obvious about it. Once a woman catches you, she takes it as a sure sign of "jerk" and she's off your prospective list. And if she's there with her girlfriends, so are they.

Do not enter the bar and look around as if you own the place. Sure, you know you're master of all you survey but you don't have to let everybody else know that. Look confident and unruffled and go in. Look around calmly and coolly, discreetly, then proceed to order your drink, shaken, not stirred. Women, even if they're in a group may feel a bit vulnerable when going out where they could possibly pick up a mate. They're afraid of making the wrong choice. So when you come in exuding an intimidating "I-can-have-anything-if-I-want-it,-including-you" attitude, it can be quite alarming, which can lead to her getting annoyed at you for making her feel that way. You're now officially a "jerk". Note:- There are a few women, despite being in this post-feminist world, who do find that a turn-on though, but note; they are relatively rare.

Next, very important; she's watching how you treat the people around you. Be nice: buy your friends drinks, tip the bartender well, smile charmingly at the waitresses, don't rearrange the asshole who called your mama a "'ho"'s face, and do absolutely everything you can to keep the look of disgust off your face when the bearded lady on the bar stool beams her brown toothed come-hither smile at you, and if you can, actually smile back. And do it all on the low-key. Don't pull out a wad of dough from your pocket and slooowly peel off a twenty when you're tipping the bartender. Women are not dum. They'll catch on to you faster than you can blink.

Now that you've made sure you're a grade A class hunk in her eyes, you're ready to make your move. Remember, don't come in from the cold; make eye contact first, then move in and lay on your game. If you're lucky and she's noticed, you're not going home without her numbers, unless you fuck up when you finally open your fool mouth in her immediate vicinity.

Oh, and one last thing...if you get shot down in your prime by the girl you've been scoping since you came in, go to the other side of the bar, where you're absolutely certain no one saw your fall from hunkdom, and try again. Even this is extremely risky. They're all watching. Either that, or (I'd advise you to do this) watch the door and zero in on the new arrivals.

So there you have it. The basics of "fronting," spreading your feathers, peacock style, for the female of the species in our favourite mating environment, the Bar.

RICK "FLY" BODARD