HUMOR
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"
"Which One Do You Need?"
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Name: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
Location: Throughout the world
Description:
Symptoms: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
What To Do When Attacked:
Searching For Anti-Venom :
Conclusion: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
- Ed Bluestone
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
- Carol Leifer
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
- Shelley Berman
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets."
- Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
- Steve Bluestone.
(Editor's note:- Bad breath, perhaps?)
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
-Will Rogers
"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder
There's a little old lady on the corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up around her face.
A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"
Perinatologists at the University of Belfast (U.K.) recently reported studying the movements of 39 fetuses by ultrasound during the 4th month of gestation (l6th to 20th weeks) spending 3 hours watching each infant. Their major finding: Female fetuses open and close their mouths much more frequently than male fetuses.
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