Humor
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
Mouse Hunt
Joxha caught two mice and put them in his pocket. He went home, tied one of the mice to his bed and said to his wife, "Prepare a sumptuous meal for 20 people, they are coming to us for dinner. I am going to the shuk. He went to the shuk and there invited 20 friends. He took one mouse out of his pocket and told it, "Go to my wife and tell her that we have guests, and she must prepare a meal for 20 people. Then tell her to tie you to my bed."
Everyone laughed, and said, "Poor Joxha, there will be no food when we will come to his house, but lets go and make fun of him." They came to his house and there was a sumptuous meal waiting for them. They where amazed to see that the mouse gave the message to his wife, and that she had tied it to the bed afterwards.
A rich friend of his who was there very excitedly told him, "Sell me this mouse for 100 Dhirams. "No", said Joxha, "It is too precious." "200 Dhirams", said the man, then immediately upped his offer to 300. "Agreed", said Joxha and he sold the mouse for a good price.
The wealthy man went home and told to his wife, "I bought a fantastic animal." He went to the shuk and invited 50 friends for a big party. He pulled the mouse out of his pocket and told it, "Go and tell my wife to prepare the meal and then to tie you to my bed."
"The friends came but the table was empty. He complained to his wife, "But I sent you the mouse to tell you to prepare for our guests." She shouted at him, "You're crazy! What mouse?" All the guests laughed at him and he got very angry. He took Joxha to court and explained the story. The judge asked Joxha, "What have you got to say for yourself?"
"I have one question to him. Did he give the mouse the address of his home?" "No." "So how do you want it to find the place?" The judge replied, "That's quite right. Case dismissed."
Dress Code
The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.
She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly.
She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, .... "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"
Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."
- You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
- Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
Shoe Repair
Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America! Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"
You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if...
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
- Change is the norm.
- Nepotism is encouraged.
- The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
Joseph was very depressed.� He ran into his friend Jon.� Jon asked him what was wrong.
"I'm just depressed and can't get over the fact that I have three balls."
"Three balls?� You're DEPRESSED?� Son, we can make a *fortune* with this!"� Jon exclaimed.
"How do we do that?"
"We go from bar to bar, and bet everyone that between you and the bartender you've got five balls.� It can't miss!"
Joseph brightens up and off they go.
They get to the first bar, make friends with some of the strangers at the bar, then made the annoucement, "I'll bet anyone that between the bartender and my friend Joseph, they've got five balls." Jon announced.
Almost everyone rushed up to place their bets.
Jon turned to the bartender and said, "You don't mind if we use you on this, do you?"
The bartender said, "Not at all.� In fact, I'm very impressed."
"Yeah?"� Jon asked, "How come?"
"Well, I've never met a man with *4* balls before.� I've only got one."
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked: "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said: "No."
The man asked "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said: "No."
Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
As if you didn't know...
Random Funny Facts
- Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
- Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.
- The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.
- John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
- Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.
- The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.
- Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
- It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.
- In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
- In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado valanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
- In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
- When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
- Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
- The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
- Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
- The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
- If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Dining Out
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
Pig!
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Diet Rules for Cheaters
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
- Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
- If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
- Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. - Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Keys to Business Success
- Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
- Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
- Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
- Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--
they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour.
That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a
devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming
calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly
increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
The Worst Job's
- Photographer for the "Miss Nude Octogenarian" pageant
- Laxative tester
- Internet spelling/grammar corrector
- Certified Pubic Accountant
- *ANY* job in the White House if you're wearing a skirt. And that includes the poor bagpipe players.
- Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester
- Jessie Ventura's press secretary
- Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition
- "NYPD Blue" Makeup Specialist, Butt Division
Working?
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
[Get your manager's permission before attending]
BEWARE: McD100GB
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
Connecticut
Lost in the Woods
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
Never...
- accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
- say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
- use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
- stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
- give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. -Ruth Gordon
Proof that Clinton is not dealing with a 'full deck'
Who in his right mind would have a Jewish Mistress and a Gentile Lawyer?
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.
It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 1999.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my testicles."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. " My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
You know you work in corporate America in the 90's if...
- You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
Pure Genius
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic) Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics) The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Genie
A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much.
"How about $1,000,000?" he asked.
"Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie.
"I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?"
"Your wife now has two of those cars."
For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?"
Golf Lesson
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Travel Agency Terminology
TOUR GUIDE TERM ........... TRANSLATION
Old world charm .................... Room and a path
Tropical ........................... Rainy
Majestic setting ................... A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ..................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway .................. Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms .................. Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own ................ At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ........... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ...................... No extras
Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge
Standard ........................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard
Superior accomodations.............. One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities .................. Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush .............................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ..................... In hurricane alley
Light and airy ..................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ........................ Theme park nearby
24-hour bar ........................ Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
"He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
"But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.
"But, she said, "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys".
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark".
"Why, are you an attorney?"
"No, I'm an asshole."
Take a picture
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
You're a REDNECK if...
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Lottery Fever
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
The "Dear. John" Letter
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
<
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
WWW - World Wide Wait
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
Listening Passively
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Professions
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Deep Thoughts
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Who's Cheating?
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
Rings
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
Lawyers
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.
Another Lawyer Joke
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
Last lawyer for now
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?" The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."
"Well then", the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"
"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet. "Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."
Come in...
A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
State Motto's
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
Sick at last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this."
Adam & Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
- Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
- In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
** You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person **
Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Latkes
It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"
"Of course! As everybody knows...Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"
"Sesame Street" goes interactive
- The Count now says "point 0" at the end of every number.
- All bug Muppets will now be renamed "features."
- Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. "Do you really want to delete Oscar?"
- Mr. Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up.
- Sesame Street's renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share.
- Cookie Monster is renamed Cookie Friend and sells his book, "How to Track Who's Using Your Site for Fun and Profit" with continuously running onscreen banner ads.
- Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other...
- Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C
- and something called, Adobe Acrobat.
- Bill Gates admits that he's been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989.
- "Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition."
What does your Dad do?
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
Clairvoyant Child
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy."
He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
Why aren't you married yet?
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
What? And spoil my great life?
Nobody would believe me in white.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiance is awaiting parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
FRUIT CAKE RECIPE
Ingredients:
4 c. flour
1 c. milk
1 t. baking powder
4 eggs
1 c. white sugar
1 c. brown sugar
2 t. allspice
1 c. walnuts
1 c. filberts
1 c. dried fruit
1 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. cream of tartar
1 fifth Blue Nun Rhine Wine
- Sift flour and baking powder into large bowl.
- Check Blue Nun wine for flavor. Drink one glass.
- Crack eggs and separate whites from jokes.
- Add milk to mixture.
- Check wine for bouquet. Drink two glasses.
- Check batter for proper contistensity.
- Put your sugars together in a large fluffy bowl.
- Dice your dried fruit on a butting coard. Add fruit to mixthure.
- Check whine for fine finish and flavor. Drink two more glasses.
- Take wallnuts down off wall. Put them into fluffy bowl with your sugar.
- Put filberts into fluffy bowl. Whip gently.
- Throw thinnamon and a cram of tartan over your shoulder. Catch them in small cup and toss under opposing arm to mixth them thoroughloulouly. Put one hand over left eye to prevent ddoouubbllee vviissiioonn.
- Sheck whine for coler. Coler must be lite tan like botm of filberts. Dink 3 mo dasses an set down pooty fas so u don get dizzyzyyzzzyyyyy.
- Grease oven. Get out baking pan and pour remanning whine into it. Lay on kitchen table and pour whine gentlyyy into yor mouth. Wipe mouf wif shirtsleeve.
- Use shlirtshleeve to strain egg mixture. Scraep mixthure off of off of off off off of off oofffff off off..... uh....... yer....... uh..... shlirtshleeve and put philberts on top of oven in large fluffy bowl.
- Finnnnnnnish sucking whine from cakkk pannnnnn with old Hardees straw while on hans and nees on chicken floor. Sweep chicken floor with shlirtsleeeve so as to not wast excess tarter cream and sugar and junk like that.
- Poot oven on 500 degrees. Move philberts so as notttt to scorchhhhhhhh.
- If filbert walnut fluuur mixthrue thtickth to the beaterth of yer mixther, pry thame off beaterth with a large drewscriver, prolly a phillips head or mebby somthing from Thears Rowbuck that ith thimilar to thith.
- Thit in fluffy bowl. Get back up. Thcrape batter off yer rear and thpread it on top of thtove with a big ol' thpoon or thomthing.
- Find pair of clean medium size boxther thorts. Thtrech elathtic over yer head and look in mirrorrorrrrrror in baffoom. Get baking pan out of baffoom think wheerr ye lefft it and dribblbble whath lefft of whine into mouf. Wipe excess batter from eyeth with boxther thorts. Return thoxther thorth to hed. Adjust thorth tho they look gud.
- Scrape bathter from top of thtove and put into the bargage sisposder. Turn on sisposder . Winse wemaining filbert with cold wa wa.
- Take two athburns.
- Thcrape anny dough from fathe, trush yer beeth, and bo to ged with boxthers on hed.
- Thow almarm clock into crash tan, turn on radio moft susic, go to slep.
Oops
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
A fond farewell to 1998...
- The people who started college this year were born in 1980.
- They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not know he had ever been shot.
- They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
- Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
- There has only been one Pope.
- They can only really remember one president.
- They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
- They have never feared a nuclear war.
- "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
- CCCP is just a bunch of letters.
- They have only known one Germany.
- They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up.
- Tienamin Square means nothing to them.
- They do not know who Momar Qadafi is.
- Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
- They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what it is.
- Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
- They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
- Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
- The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
- They have never owned a record Player.
- They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
- Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic.
- There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new.
- What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
- They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
- The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
- As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
- Zip codes have always had a dash in them.
- They have always had an answering machine.
- Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
- They have always had cable.
- There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
- They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
- They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.
- Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
- They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, Jack-in-the-Box, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.
- The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno.
- They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
- Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
- They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, Baltimore Colts, Minnesota North Stars, Kansas City Kings, New Orleans Jazz, Minneapolis Lakers, Atlanta Flames, Kansas City Scouts, Cleveland Barons, California Golden Seals, or Colorado Rockies (NHL hockey, that is).
- They do not consider the Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays, Colorado Rockies (MLB baseball), Florida Marlins, Orlando Magic, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks, or Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams."
- They don't know that Wayne Gretzky started in the WHA. WHA? ABA?
- They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
- They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
- The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
- They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
- They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
- They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
- They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".
- They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.
- The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost.
- Michael Jackson has always been white.
- They cannot remember the St. Louis Cardinals or Detroit Tigers ever winning a World Series, or even being in one.
- Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
- McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
A man's perspective
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Two Brothers
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.
After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
Our Town Is So Small...
- our city limits signs are both on the same post!
- the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
- the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
- the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
- the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
- the phone book has only one page
- there's nothing doing every minute
- the ZIP code was a fraction
- Second Street is in the next town over
- there's no place to go that you shouldn't
- a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
- the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
- the New Year's baby was born in October
A Quote
"The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of. . .older men who prey on underage women. . .There are consequences to decisions and. . .one way or another, people always wind up being held accountable."
-Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing a national effort against teen pregnancy (As quoted in U.S. News and World Report)
Microsoft Patent
REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."
A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti- competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.
"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."
"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."
As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message- transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.
Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.
"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."
Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."
According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.
"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.
Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.
In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.
"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."
Dealing with Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Getting in
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Get Your Money's Worth
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Gettook Everyear
Parroting the Decorator
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"
She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.
When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?"
The man says, "It's the decorator."
The parrot says "who is it?"
The man says "It's the decorator."
The parrot says "Who is it?"
The man says "It's the decorator!!!"
The parrot says "who is it?"
The man screams "The decorator!"
The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.
The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says,
"Oh my gosh...who is it?"
The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"
Ghandi
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a...
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Lawyers
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
The Root of All Evil!
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
North vs. South
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches
The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services
The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names
The South has double first names
The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance
The North has the Mafia,
The South has NASCAR
The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races
The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits
The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins
The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads
The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners
The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt
The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton
Hey...have you heard
...CCA Prison Realty Trust is buying Corrections Corp. of America in a $3.17 billion deal that will create the world's largest penitentiary business. The merged entity will market its product under the more user-friendly name, "Motel 6-to-Life."
...Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci, was convicted of ordering her husband's murder and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci knockoff.
...McDonald's has a new series of TV commercials aimed at kids as young as 2 years old. This explains their new sandwich, the McNipple.
...Sean Connery, now 68 years of age, is about to star in yet another James Bond thriller. This time he will match wits with the evil proctologist, 'Coldfinger'.
...The PBS children's show "Sesame Street" is under fire for accepting corporate sponsorship for the first time. In fact, some of the most vocal critics are the shows own stars, Kermit the Budweiser Frog, and Vlasic Pickle Me Elmo.
Financial Worries
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.
Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
On a Clinton note, I suggest that his post-presidency job should be manufacturing oilcloth raincoats on Martha's Vineyard. He could market them as "Slicker Willies"
How to build an Airplane
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval -- go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain -- they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -- the wings broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray... to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice... but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And... it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"
Pig!
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:
- Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
- When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
- Santa seldom answers your mail.
- . When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
- Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
- Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
- Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
- Santa laughs entirely too much.
- Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
- Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Bad News
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
Final Request
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.
As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If Men Planned Weddings...
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:
A) knocked her up
B) couldn't get a different roommate or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.
Perfect?
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings another point: women never listen either.
The Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
A Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
The Blonde & the Coke Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
The Minister
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Engineers vs. Managers
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
Mom's Dictonary
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
Cheating Heart
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
51 Days
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years"
Coffee in Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
What is the name of the fish-gilled humanoid who is able to swim through high octane gasoline? Ethyl Mer-man!
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Date Night
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
Dining Out
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. But it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Paycheck
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Pure Genius
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.
Below are the winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
You know your life stinks when..
- A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
- Your children's school calls to surrender.
- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
- Your plants do better when you 'don't' talk to them.
- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
1.) What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
'"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK,", said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
The World First Profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
Children's Letters to God
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
- Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
- It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
- Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
- Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
- You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
THERMOS
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Comprehending Engineers
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The Defense Rests
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
The Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
A Farm Mishap
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"
This blond decided to dye her hair brown, then to celebrate her new image, she took a motor trip across country. Way out in the sticks she came across a farmer leaning against a fence post, watching his large flock of sheep.
"I need a pet," she decided, stopping the car. She walked over to the farmer and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock will you give me one? I'd like a pet."
The farmer agreed. The gal looked over the flock for a few seconds, then declared, "You have 253 sheep here."
"That absolutely correct," the amazed farmer stated. "I'll keep my end of the bargain. You pick one of the sheep for your pet."
She did and as she was getting back into her car, the farmer approached her. "I've got a proposition for you, Miss. If I can guess the true color of your hair, will you give me back my dog?"
THE PERFECT GIFT
A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.
In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...
You and Reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
COLLEGE BALL
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook?
When the blonde serves the poptart in one piece.
How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
No spelling errors on her tattoo's.
Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
She drowned her horse.
How many blondes does it take to make popcorn?
3. One to hold the pot and the other 2 to shake the stove.
BABY
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
Word Wierdness
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
FINAL EXAM
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
What's in a name?
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Others in the works:
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi DoDa
City Slicker
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:
- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her
- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
Helpline
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
On one BAD day,
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
- A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
- In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
- A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
- Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Dealing with AT&T
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Line?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Line?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Line.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Line we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Line. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Line?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Line, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
Princess Ryubet
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!'
Spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital on the east coast
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children
Chat Room Abbreviations
AAMOF...................As A Matter Of Fact
ADN.....................Any Day Now
AFK.....................Away From Keyboard
ASAP....................As Soon As Possible
A/S/C...................Age/Sex/Check
A/S/S/C.................Age/Sex/State/Check
ATK.....................At the Keyboard
BAC.....................By Any Chance
BAK.....................Back At Keyboard
BBL.....................Be Back Later
BBS.....................Be Back Soon
BFN.....................By For Now
BRB.....................Be Right Back
BRB nc..................Be Right Back Nature calls (brb nc)
BTW.....................By The Way
C U L8TER...............See You Later
C U L8R.................See You Later
C YA....................See Ya
DW......................Da Wife or Dear wife, DH......................Dear Husband
........................Darling Husband
........................Darned Husband (depending on your mood!)
........................Demented Husband (depending on his mood!)
DIL.....................Daughter In Law
EOS.....................End Of Show
FAAK....................Falling Asleep At Keyboard
FIL.....................Father In Law
FWIW....................For What It's Worth
FYI.....................For Your Information
GMTA....................Great Minds Think Alike
GR8.....................Great
HLOL....................Hysterically Laughing Out Loud
HLOLARAWCHAWMP..........Hysterically Laughing Out Loud And
........................Rolling Around While Clapping Hands
........................And Wetting My Pants
HTH.....................Hope This Helps
IAE.....................In Any Event
IDK.....................I Don't Know/ I Didn't Know
IMHO....................In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO..................In My Not So Humble Opinion
IOW.....................In Other Words
IRL.....................In Real Life
ISRN....................I'll Stop Rambling Now
ITA.....................I Totally Agree
JK......................Joke
J/K.....................Just Kidding
LOL.....................Laughing Out Loud
LOLOL...................Laughing Out Loud On Line
LSHMSH..................Laughing so hard my side hurts
LTNS....................Long Time No See
LUVYA...................Love Ya (you)
MYOB....................Mind Your Own Business
NRN.....................No Reply Necessary
OIC.....................Oh I See
OTOH....................On The Other Hand
PC/PVT/MSG..............Private Chat/Messaging
POV.....................Point Of View
PTSS....................Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
ROTF....................Rolling On The Floor
ROTFL...................Rolling On The Floor Laughing
ROTFLMAO................Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Anatomy Off
ROTFWTIME...............Rolling On The Floor With Tears In My Eyes
RSN.....................Real Soon Now
SIL.....................Son In Law or (SoIL)
........................Sister In Law or (SiIL)
SITD....................Still In The Dark
SS......................So Sorry
TBD OOTD................To Be Done, One Of These Days!
TPTB....................The Powers That Be
TTFN....................Ta Ta For Now
TTYL....................Talk to you later
UFO.....................Un-Finished Object
........................(a started project not yet done)
UPGS....................Unfinished Project Guilt Syndrome
VDH.....................Very Dear Husband (see also DH)
VDW.....................Very Dear Wife
WB......................Write Back
WBS.....................Write Back Soon
WPYS....................Who Pulled Your String
WTG.....................Way To Go
YCGB....................You Can't Get Better
Deaf Geanie
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man,"Where did you get such a big lighter?" The man replies,"See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish." So the guy walks over to the genie and says,"I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks. The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says,"That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he." The guy replies, "Yeah. You think I asked for a 14 inch bic?"
Y2K: PROBLEM SOLVED We are starting the year 5759 on the Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you). 5759. That's a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the most learned Jewish historians (wow, THIS is bound to make them nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning at the forefront of nearly every computer programmer's mind: "So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?"
BEFORE VIAGRA A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist ?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."
Like a lot of other religions, Jews are also experiencing a resurgence of their faith. In fact, one young Jewish girl I know was so very impressed after she had read Exodus, she had her nose changed back.
God's Army =--= Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Professions
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
Deep Thoughts
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
The cowered pilot
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
The Fortune Teller
A fellow goes to a gypsy-fortune teller who says, "For twnety dollars, I'll read your future and you can ask three questions."
"About what?"
"About anything", she says.
"Isn't twenty dollars a lot of money?"
"Not too much. Now what is your last question?"
You might be a Yankee if:
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don't know what a moon pie is.
- You've never had grain alcohol.
- You've never, ever, eaten okra.
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don't have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
- You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
- You don't know what applique is.
- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
- You've never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can't do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
White Collar Crimes
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
TOP SIGNS YOUR CAT IS PLANNING TO KILL YOU
- Seems mighty with the dog all of a sudden.
- Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
- He actually _does_ have your tongue.
- You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
- Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
- You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
- As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
- Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
- Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
- Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
- You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
- Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
- Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
Rock Band Names... that are already taken!
[ a ]
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Bulimia Banquet
[ c ]
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cortizone 5
Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dead Kennedys
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
[ h ]
Headless Marines
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
[ i ]
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary
[ j ]
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
Lee Harvey Keitel
Louder Than God
[ m ]
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors
[ r ]
Raging Pimps of Doom
Reluctant Stereotypes
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ s ]
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Skeptic Tank
Smorgasborgnine
The Sound of Munich
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
[ t ]
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick
[ u ]
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos
[ v ]
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela
[ z ]
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns
How stupid can you be?
New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
Penny
A few years ago I was on my way to a picnic for three different reform temples in the same part of my state. The picnic was held in a large state park, and the directions I had been given were awful. After circling the very large park four or five times, I finally spotted a tiny, handwritten sign indicating the pavilion where the three congregations were meeting. Everyone attending the picnic had been invited to include, friends and even pets, so I brought my small mixed breed, Penny. She had been very patient during the three hours we'd been traveling, but was eager to get out of the car and wander through the woods. I parked at the picnic pavilion, placed her on her leash, and walked toward a group that included the president of my temple two of the rabbis and some administrative assistants.
Penny promptly walked up to the president and did what "bears do in the woods" --- right at the president's feet.
I was mortified and stared at my pet with my jaw hanging. People in the group started to snicker, and a few looked at me with a mixture of pity and embarrassment.
The president looked down at the dog, at the mess, and then, looking at me said, "So, how long did it take you to train her to do that?"
You know your life is going bad when... =--= . A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. . You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. . The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. . Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. . You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. . Your children's school calls to surrender. . The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. . Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. . Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them. . All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. . Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
How stupid can you be?
Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain.
With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Erev Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off a Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gates,
Past bakeries, past markets, past shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried-how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfasted and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!."
And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"
Punctuation IS Important
Compare these two identically worded paragraphs, and notice how a change in punctuation alters the meaning:
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Susan
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Susan
Dolphins
When I was a grad student, I came across the surprising discovery that when I fed sea gulls to dolphins, the dolphins would live forever. Things went well after my discovery, until one day when I returned from the beach with a bag full of sea gulls. I started up the sidewalk when I noticed a huge male lion sleeping across my doorstep. I threw the bag of sea gulls across my shoulder, tiptoed up my sidewalk, and quietly stepped over the sleeping lion. Unfortunately, a passing police car went by and the officer promptly arrested me. I'd forgotten, you see, that it's illegal to take gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."
Christmas Eve in Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
.....screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"
Marooned
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.
Until the boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"
The Remote
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
The Substitute Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
A Bris?
Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
The Rules of Writing
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalize.
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- Kill all exclamation points!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
- Puns are for children, not groan readers.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
- 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Chanukah Carol
You'd better not kvetch, or eat chozzerai, You'd better not greps, I'm telling you why...
YENTA CLAUS is coming to town!
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Possessed Computer
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Unknown Facts, part 2
The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakap- ikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakit anatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following s entence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of lore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Brilliant Bankrobber
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." on the back of a deposit slip.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Overworked!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Facts
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
Wise Words
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man understands a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Facts
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. BE CAREFUL!
Lumberjack
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
SPEAK
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"
Listening Passively
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...
The Traveler
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk."
The Photographer
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
DAILY DEFINITION:
vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
STORY OF THE DAY
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"
THE CESSNA
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon incentral Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
- Chocolate is just another snack
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
- One mood, all the time
- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
- You never have to worry about other's feelings
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
Top Bumper Sticker's seen around the world!
- Constipated people don't give a crap.
- Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
- If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
- Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
- If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little
better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. - Thank you for pot smoking.
- To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
- If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. - If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
The Lifesaver
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
A Quick Round
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
Rats
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist,
"I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public- address system in the concourse:� "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
The Important Things Life Teaches You...
Most Important Question--
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'Hello'." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
Pickup in the Rain--
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm.
Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
Always remember those who serve--
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
The Obstacle in Our Path--
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.
Giving Blood--
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies, needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
Cheap Spellchecker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown
High Tech Hearing
For those of us with hearing difficulties..
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Three Things You Need To Survive
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Proud Dads
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
Pearly Gates
Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn. Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutesahead of time. When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?" St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth." Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?" "Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter. "Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary. "God has that one in his office," answersSt. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."
Unbreakable
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE". However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"
Hit or Miss
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
Lemons
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."
Ever wonder why?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?
New Rich
A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one.
They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to the United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."
The Would-Be Salesman
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Genie in the lamp
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"
The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!!! No think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when they say "nothing"..." The genie replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
New Car
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
The Plumber's Bill
A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!."
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."
New Chainsaws
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
Three Blondes on an Island
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Email Mixup
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected].
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Dog Breeds that did not make it:
Collie- Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Bloodhound + Borzoi Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Brain Transplant
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded becuase they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
Final Exam
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
A Poem for Moms and Dads
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
The Funeral
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years!
Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue.
At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!"
Bye Son!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Shoe Story
A three year old boy decided he could put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot and the right on the left.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're MY feet!"
Senility Prayer
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Ever Wonder Why?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
The Great Memory Debate
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
Psychiatrist
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Blonde Painter
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the= garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The TOP 10 Complaint of Modarn Day Vampires
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for the bottom of a coffin.
6. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
5. No warm blood for miles around DC.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
- And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires -
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Dealing with Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Adam & Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Come in...
A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Oops
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night.� Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".
You're a REDNECK if...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
The Frog and the Hamster
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Teethbrush
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.
After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
The Beer's Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Computer Acronyms
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Thoughts From The Workplace...
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I THINK THAT I KNOW THESE PEOPLE!
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Sign You've Been Drinking TOO Much Coffee
You just completed another sweater
... and you don't know how to knit.
You walk 20 miles on your treadmill,
... before you realize it's not plugged in.
When someone ask, "How are you?"
... you reply: "Good to the last drop."
Your first-aid kit contains
... two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.
Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
Airhead
An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."
Repainting
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.
Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.
It said, ... "For best results, put on two coats."
Five Facts about Guys
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Speeding
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"
Word Wierdness
Dyslexics ahve more fnu.
Clones are people two.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Littleknown... =--= In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
You Know You're TOO Stressed If...
Things becomes "Very Clear".
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
The Order
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how dumb you are. You came here for the food!"
Collections
A catholic priest, a protestant minister and a rabbi were discussing how to handle the contributions to the church.
The priest says; I take a piece of chalk, draw a circle, throw the money up and whatever land in the circle is God's, and the rest is mine.
The minister says: I draw a line, throw up the money and whatever lands on the far side is God's, and what lands on my side is mine.
The rabbi says: I throw up the money and whatever God wants he takes- and what comes back down is mine.
Cynics Central
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
The Painter
A ba'al tshuvah (newly observant) house painter was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.
"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that
I've committed in a previous life?"
The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced:
"Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."
Cynics Central
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
The CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
What is a cat?- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
You're a REDNECK if...
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
What is a dog?- They follow you around with their tongues out.
- They only respond to simple commands.
- Their needs are basic and predictable.
- They whine when their needs are not met.
- They always need to have something in their mouth.
- They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.
- They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.
- They need to be trained.
- You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time.
- They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like them.
Computer Acronyms
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
te me about the New York business trip he was on. Judi, one of the ladies in the car with him (all from Phoenix) saw a billboard advertising a new movie.� Judi exclaimed, "Oh, look, they have John Travolta out *here*, too!"
Julie and kids had just returned from church.� "My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday School.� Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced.� I asked them why.� My 7 year old explained, 'we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.'� I can only assume he meant *blind*."
When Vicki was pledging Phi Mu, part of her requirements were to learn the Greek alphabet.� I had them hanging on the wall so I could practice the letters.� My sister, Judi, came to visit, saw them, and asked what they were.� I explained and told her there were 25 letters in the Greek alphabet.� She responsed quite seriously, "Oh. So which one is missing?"
Diane's 5 year old was teaching himself how to read.� One day he asked me what "two whore parking" meant.� I visualized two "ladies" sitting on a curb, trying not to laugh over the "two hour parking" sign.
Shay heard they were testing a new "high speed" propellor airplane engine that revolved so fast, the sound was inaudible to the human ear.� "I asked, 'it's kind of freaky -- how would you know if the engines ever died if you couldn't hear them?'� My friend said, 'Plummeting to the ground would be a pretty good indication.'"
~~~ Shattered Hopes ~~~
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly, leaning forward to receive his "payment."
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex -style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.
Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show.�� There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear.
"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.
"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated.� "If you've got the back up, then you're always going downhill!"
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Amanpreet reports for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing but True / False type answers.
He takes his seat, gets the test, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads" he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False".
Within half an hour, Amanpreet is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him and asks him if he's ok.
Amanpreet spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all of these answers!!!"
Cynics Central
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
At the Cash Register
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, soI figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
T-Shirt Slogans- That was Zen, this is Tao.
- I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.
- You have a right to your opinions; I just don't want to hear them.
- I am retired -- this is as dressed up as I'm going to get.
- The problem with patting yourself on the back is that your hands aren't free to break your fall.
3 Nuns & a Father
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
Ethnic Stereotypes
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
Perjury
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!
From Outerspace =--= Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Sunday Golfer
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!
He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".
What would make your day?- o Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate
- o You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream
- Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there
- You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and held it
- Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you
- You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank
- Your child calls from college just to say hi
- The IRS loses your name
Think about it...
Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.
If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"
Braggin'
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Chicagoan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Chicagoan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Aptitude Test
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Why it's great to be a Guy- Phone conversations last 30 seconds
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
- You can open all your own jars
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
~~~ The Ultimate April Fools Joke! ~~~
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
Whose Duck is It?
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law.'"
"Never heard of it," said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Nuns vs. Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*%! off our car!"
Why Cats Are Better Than Men- A CAT always hits the litterbox.
- Better chance of training a CAT.
- No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
- You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
- If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
- A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
- You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
- It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
- You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
- A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.
- If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Hot Dogs???
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids.
Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills for us older guys?� It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.
Q. What's an Australian kiss? A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
��� A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress.� As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.
�� "Do you have hair on your chest?"
�� "No -- certainly NOT!!!"
�� "Then it's too low cut."
Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.
This guy kept ordering a beer and running to the men's room to pour it down the toilet. When asked why, he says: "I get tired of bein' the middle man."
��� When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said:� "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy." ��� The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."
��� Judi was visiting town for the first time.� She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags.� She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
��� "Young man -- I may be old, straight from the hills, have an AOL *and* WebTV account, but that don't mean I'm stupid!� I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL!� It's too small, no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
��� "Ma'am, this is the elevator."
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
Where's the time ?
We all have such hectic schedules anymore, Life has placed so many demands on us so where does that leave time for the little things ?
The little things that make the difference.
We all are guilty of a little bit of neglect to our partner sometimes even maybe in the sex department,
Your just so tired from your career and taking care of the kids that sometimes we just need to take a step back and see what is really important.
Make a date with your partner, a nice dinner, maybe a movie, but if that is impossible, put the kids to bed early, turn the phones off, and head to a private place in your home,
it doesn't necessarily have to be the bedroom, any cozy spot in the house will do.
Sometimes that could be where the most fond memories are made. After all you married each other to be together.
Take time to make time
Vacation tips
Summer is coming and it's time to get ready for vacations. Here are a few tips to help you make the best out of your trip.- Don't Stuff your vacation with obligations, relax and enjoy.
- Take a break from the housework, You do it everyday and who wants to do it on their vacation, that's what maid service is for.
- Take a few days after your trip to recoup, your body needs to get back to reality.
- No electronic equipment. Give your mind a complete break, that's what a vacation is for, You'll feel more relaxed and ready to go back to work if you leave that electronic leash behind.
- Know yourself and your family. Think about what you really need this vacation to do for your family, then plan it out.
- Take a guilt free trip. Don't worry about every little thing, give yourself permission to have a great time.
- Learn from your past vacations. What did your family enjoy or dislike. A family talk would help so everyone knows the expectations of the trip.
- Don't keep checking your watch. It's impossible to be uptight about a schedule if you leave your watch behind.
Really Drunk
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Weather Predictions
An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold."
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."
Watch Out!
A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out..... "Watch out for the wall!!!"
Juan
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
Governments & Ideologies
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Scared to Fly
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
Deep Thoughts
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Newsroom
A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it.
"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.
"First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form. Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we had it. And third, if you got that much money, we think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"
Fun with Religion
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion.
When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:
"Season's Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you'll wish you were Jewish!!"
Amanpreet had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.� "If they could do it, so can I!" Amanpreet (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages) told Brian (which means "Amanpreet" in several languages).
Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat.� They paddled out to the middle.� Amanpreet stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Lizard Pecker Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother Pecker took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January.� You were born in July."
Virus Alerts
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Kenneth Starr Virus: Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
In Five Years...
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
You Know You're from Northern Ontario when...- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
- You head south to go to your cottage.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
- You find -40C a little chilly.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
- You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
Coffee in Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.� Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a
problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white
togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of
armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to
ward off an assassin's arrow.
He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in
afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental
movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle
motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would
have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the
toga's out to dry.
He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They
started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in
the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental
destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the
assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly
they were all frozen into place.
After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the
enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors.
Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the
sight of his workers stuck standing there.
Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: Beware,
the tides of starch.
Old & New concerns for the baby boomers
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Life After Death
Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.
Yes, sir, the new recruit replied.
Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... the boss went on.
After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you.
Cheap Perfume
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
That's a bit much, said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
That's still quite a bit Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
What I mean said Tom, is I'd like to see something really cheap.
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Who Wears the Pants?!
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, Here, put these
on.
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants, she said.
That's right, said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm
the man who wears the pants in this family.
With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He
tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
kneecaps.
Heck, he said. "I can't get into your panties! She replied, That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!
Andrew told me Judi was spotted in a tour group in England. "They had to cross the road so they used the 'Pelican crossing' [pedestrain crossing]. When the light goes to 'Walk' they emit a high pitched beeping. Judi asked what the noise was. Her guide replied it was for the blind. Judi responded, 'Oh, we don't like the blind drive in the United States!'" [Ray here: Wanna bet? They're all over . . . ]
DZ was talking to a gent who was a high school football player. "I asked him if he was going to play for the college, speculating that he would get to fly around the country. He said that he was afraid to fly, adding, 'if I'm going to die, I want to die on the ground.' I laughed and told him, 'that's just where you WOULD die if the plane trip didn't work out!'" [Ray: it's not really the fall -- it's that sudden stop that gets ya.]
Krista was telling me about the article she read where a little girl's insight into boys was particularly insightful: "Boys are no good at all until they grow up and get married. Men who don't get married are no good either. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything except soap. My mom is a woman, and my dad is a man. A woman is a grown up girl with children. My dad is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when he was a boy." [Ray: I can sympatize. I recently found out that I'm a lesbian.]
Heather gave herself a Judi. She was nagging her mom about what to get mom for Christmas. Mom said she wanted a "rolodex". "I said, 'there's NO WAY I can afford one of those watches, Mom!'"
Charlie's 3 1/2 year old stepdaughter came up to him and told him her foot itched. Rather than go thru the hassle of de- shoe'ing and re-shoe'ing a squirmmy youngin' he told her he'd scratch it thru the sole. He asked her where it itched, she pointed to a spot on the side of her foot and he scratched real hard for 5 seconds. "How's that?" he asked. She replied, "Pretty good, but it's my other foot that itches."
After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents.
That`s great! the husband replies. But who gave you the ten cents? Everybody replied the wife.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help groups?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just before a butterfly gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're
sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you
were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, No. She said, Okay,
then forget it.
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, I want my daughter back by 8:15. I said, The middle of August? Cool!
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
What happened to you? asked his wife.
I'll never understand women, he replied. I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!
I can certainly appreciate that, said the wife, But how did you get the second black eye?
Well, I figured she liked it that way, said the husband, So I pushed it back in.
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.
for more humor, go here.This page is ALWAYS under construction, please be patient
Please email with your additions at [email protected]
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page
