Here you will be blessed with the people that I love, and the goats that love them...

Over the years, there has been many a person that are deserving of my love...but none more deserving than me! I say, the larger the ego, the more deserving of respect...actually, I don't say that...I say pretty much the opposite...but on this page, I am the master of my own domain, and as such, I shall worship myself...don't ask how that works, it just does...

I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike stereo system and I can can steer cattle up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I write award-winning poetry, I manage time inefficiently, and I occasionally tread water for three hours in a row.

I am an expert in Karate, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play the blues, the Reds once scouted me, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I conquer small countries. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I ride my Jet Ski till the crack of dawn.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I am a private citizen, yet receive fan mail. I have performed several convert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Ski Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis.

I am the Patron Saint of the Semi-Sacred Techni-Color Tie-Dye Tilde~and Protector of Uncoordinated Fascists and All Things Colorblind

I am also a compulsive liar.

This, my freinds...is not a pleasant part of my page...in fact, it's down right....unpleasant...for here, mon amis, is a person that I do not worship...mi amigos, his name, meine Freunde, is.....Charles Manson...

Here is a picture of this notorious bad person.

Again, I say, i miei amici, that was Charles Manson...a man that I do not worship...

*Takes a deep breath* However, this is a picture of my good friend Charlie!

Good ol' Charlie. I do worship him.

Can you believe those jackasses down at People Magazine?! I sure can't...I mean, putting Laura Samuelsson's picture on the cover, labeling her the most beautiful woman on earth, and then putting SOPHIA LOREN'S name there! Of all the nerve...I mean, honestly people...come on!

Goats : I don't understand how anyone could NOT worship goats? I mean, just like cheddar makes everything better, goats make everything funnier. For example, I was out with a group of people yesterday, and testing whether Suhas really wasn't paying attention...he didn't respond to "Suhas is a homosexual," "Suhas is easily amused with thoughts of pedophilia," or "I want to lick hot butter off of Suhas' ankles." So, I brought out the heavy artilery...and informed the world that "Suhas rapes goats!" This definately got his attention...Now, we shall ponder this...
If I had said "Suhas pumps his manhood into a SHEEP," would it have been half as funny? If I had said "Suhas has impregnated every last remaining tundra wolf," would anyone have laughed? I think not. Even had I said, "Suhas mounted an elephant and bucked like a frikkin' stallion," the effect would have seemed...watered-down...So, there you have it...a detailed analysis, accompanied by several examples, of why I worship goats. Not sheep. Not elephants. Not tundra wolves. And DEFINATELY not Suhas. Goats. End of story.

I worship The Onion. It's damn funny.