One of the strangest things about Christianity, I've always thought, was the belief in Heaven. Stay with me, you'll see what I'm getting at. What we're supposed to believe, now, is that when you croak, your soul gently floats up to heaven and you get to sit with the Lord himself, if you've been good.
Okay. So, my questions are as follows:
I. Just where is Heaven?
People used to believe, way way back, that Heaven was just plain up. They believed that there was no outer-space and that we were pretty much in the center of everything there was. Now, we know better. Now we know we're just one of nine little planets, circling one star of billions in a galaxy, which is in a universe full of billions of galaxies. So... which way to Heaven? Do I hook a left at Uranus and keep going until I get to God-World, where the Holy are Happy!? I'm sorry but when I die I want to have some bloody idea of where I should go. I don't want to make a wrong turn and wind up at the Purgatory-Planet or something.
Or maybe Heaven's in another dimension or something? Maybe another universe which we're transported to automaticly? Or is it a magical place that isn't really anywhere, just there, and I suddenly appear there at the gates with a bunch of other Heavenly people?
II. Meeting old freinds (or enemies!)
Well, this is what I have in mind. Let's say there's a guy and his wife dies, she goes to heaven. Ten years later, he re-marries, but after that, he dies, and the new wife dies the moment she finds out from shock. They also both go to Heaven.
Is the poor guy going to have to try and explain how he has two wives, after all, they're both in Heaven. Does he have to stick with one? Does he need one? If I go to Heaven, I want to know ahead of time whether there will be domestic problems around me and disfunctional angel families I'll have to deal with.
III. The Big Guys.
Well, since if I go to Heaven I'll probably be spending the rest of eternity there, I want to know if I'll ever get to meet with some of the Christian Big-shots and just chat-merrily. Mother Teresa, Jack Kennedy, heck... Jesus himself? Should I remember to bring an autograph book to Heaven? Do I get to talk to the Almighty? Does he have a sense of humor (After writing this I better hope he does).
IV. Wisdom of the Ages.
When(if) I go to heaven, do I get to choose what age I'll be? Let's say I'm eighty-five years old when a die, does that mean I'll be eighty-five years old, in physical, mental and spiritual form? This could be a great excuse to die early, if you ask me. Or does the person that's elderly get to choose whether they'll be say, Twenty while they're in heaven? If a ten-year-old dies do they get to be an adult in Heaven?
V. Poor Old Peter.
Doesn't poor old Saint Peter get tired sitting at the gates to Heaven for the rest of eternity? God should really give him a break, taking in hundreds of people every minute, making sure the right people get in. Imagine if he accidently lets in some wretch who should to be in Hell. Peter was human once, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he made that mistake. I can imagine poor old Peter getting a scolding from the Almighty for letting some serial-killer in through the gates of Heaven.
VI. Baby-Limbo
If a baby dies before it gets baptized, it doesn't go to Hell, does it? That's simply unfair. But how do you fairly judge the soul of newborn? It did neither good nor bad, yet. Sending it to Hell or Purgatory would be just plain cruel, send it to Heaven would be an unfair free-ride. I really doubt it's reincarnated, my geuss is it's sent to Limbo. That seems the only fair thing to do. Just a big vast plane where your cared for but not treated like a king. But any other option just wouldn't seem right.
VI. Hellish Hindus.
Another thing that doesn't seem right. One commandent tells everyone that you better believe in that God and only that God or else. Does this mean Mahatma Ghandi went to Hell? I hope not, he was a great, peace-loving, passive, forgiving, wise man and I know plenty of true- believing Christians more worthy of a trip to Hell than Ghandi.
Maybe Ghandi and all of his Hindu followers are in Limbo with the unbaptized babies. Maybe all the old greeks that believed in Zeus are also there, along with a bunch of Buddhists. How about any well-meaning Atheists or agnostics? I geuss God'd have to stick them in Limbo too. being agnostic myself, my only chance of getting into Heaven would be if God, despite the telling of ancient texts, judges a person's merrit over their religion. My only hope along with many of the other non-Christians would have to be that God isn't a bigot. I'm hopeful!
VII. Bring my Body Back to Me
I hope handicapped people lose their dissabilities in Heaven, they've suffered enough in the real world. But is there a sort of Heavenly Beuarocracy? Do you only get your arm back if you originally had one than lost it? What if that person goes to Heaven is generally a nice guy but not bright, like Forrest Gump or Dan Quayle or something. Do they get an intellectual boost? Do smart people loose their edge in Heaven becuase everyone there get's a brain boost to a certain I.Q.?
VIII. Heavenly Fassion
What do heavenly souls wear? Am I gonna be stuck wearing the same damn clothes I died in for my entire time spent in Heaven? Do I get a free eternally-clean robe or suit or something upon my entrance to Heaven? Is it possible to make a fassion statement up there? Do we wear any clothes at all? That's what I want to know most of all. I don't want to die and suddenly wake up to a naked saint staring at me. I geuss I'd get used to it eventually but it's still something I'd like to know ahead of time. If I feel uncomfortable about it for a while would I be allowed to conjure up some Holy Shorts?
IX. Prejudice Against Purgatorians.
Do people that go straight to Heaven look down on those that come in through Purgatory? Are they laughed at somehow? Do they have a certain section in Heaven to protect these people from the unfair judgements of Native-Heaveners?X. Our Original Bodily Functions.
In Heaven, do we have to eat? After we eat do we have to do what our bodies down below would've done? What about intercourse, is it at all sinful up there... Since we're already angels and for all I know we'll probably all be buck naked anyway? Are we as ugly as we once were, do we still have that scar or limp we had on Earth? Is everybody built perfectly there? Do we have to pick things up, or is it like the Holodeck on Star Trek and everything there is however we want it and seems as real as could be?
XI. Back Home.
Would I ever get to visit Earth again, just to see what's going on? What if I want to perform a miracle? Will I ever get to pull an old lady out of a car-wreck before she dies? What if I'm still interested in Politics up in Heaven and want to watch what's happening back home, is that allowed?
XII. Alien Angels
It's likely that in some other world somewhere there's another race of people on another planet. Do they get to go to Heaven or is it just us? Can we really be that special? I've always found it perculiar that God chose our world out of all worlds out there to have his son at. Surely there's a superior race somewhere out there, better than humans...
XIII. Money.
Can any society, even a Heavenly one, strive without some sort of currency? Are the rich on Earth able to live more richly in Heaven than those who were good yet poor on Earth? Is God like Bill Gates up there or something? Speaking of Bill Gates, if I get to Heaven, will I still be able to access the Internet?
Lord o' Mighty, I hope so.
Sinistral, 1997
This has been an example,
of Holy Crap!
