One day I was just sitting around feeling left out. It seemed as if everybody had some sort of religion to follow but me, and I found that troubling. The choices out there just didn't appeal to me, they were either too demanding, too closed-minded, or just plain didn't sit well with me. I had to find something to fill this hole in my soul fast.
Then, just all of a sudden, it hit me like a wrecking-ball. Why not just create my own religion? That way I could shape it into any form I wanted!
It's not like this idea was a new or anything, throughout history people have been making their own religions when others just didn't satisfy them. There was one English King, Henry VIII, that formed an entire new wing of Christianity just becuase he wanted to dump his wives, then he forced the entire Country to follow his religion. There was another fellow named Joe Smith who'd apparently had too much to drink one night and envisioned an angel named Moroni coming down to him from the heavens with Gold Tablets, he lost the tablets but remembered to copy them down first, and hence the Mormons were born. Though they weren't popular at first, eventually driven out of civilization and into Utah, Mormon appeal soon became obvious: You could have forty-nine wives like Brigham Young, the Mormon leader after Smith - and when you died you got your own planet to rule over. Who wouldn't want that? And as each of those religions got old, new ones kept springing up to keep a fresh supply handy. So if you didn't want to be either of the former mentioned, you could mosey on down to Jamaica, grab yourself a joint and get into Rastafarianism!
I was confident that it was my turn. If these nutcases of the past could get away with it, why couldn't I? So I quickly began contemplating what I'd need to begin my own religion. I decided I'd need four things to succeed: 1)A Name, 2)A Symbol, 3)A Holy Book and 4)Followers.
The name wasn't too hard. I just picked a word totally at random out of my dictionary and added "ism" to the end. So my relgion became "Clogism". That perhaps wasn't the best name, but I was eager to get started.
Then the symbol, which was also easy. I took the starting letter of Clogism and stuck a horizontal line through it.
A Holy Book, that'd be harder. But good fortune was upon me, for I happened to get my hands on a VCR manuel that'd undergone a very shabby translation from Japanese to English. It might make a few people suspicious, especially with it's opening line, "First start VCR by socket in plugging." But I didn't worry, besides, anybody who'd follow my religion probably wouldn't know how to read past a second grade level. I'd just tell them "VCR" meant "Very Cool Religion" I drew the symbol of Clogism on the manuel cover with a permanent marker.
Then came the followers. This would be the hardest task. I did everything in my power to promote Clogism, I xeroxed the Holy Book and handed out the copies, but nobody seemed to want one. I thought about spray-painting it's symbol on the sides of buildings, but being illegal and all, I figured it wasn't worth the risk. I then tried verbally promoting it on a street corner, for five minutes, but nobody seemed to want to join. In a final effort I tried mailing a few messages, contianing copies of the Holy Book, to random adresses in the area, thirty in total. I got several responses. One nicely written letter asked me if my head was on straight. Another told me to shove off. But alas, nobody wanted to join.
So with that, I put my efforts to begin a new religion to rest for good. Sad, isn't it?
But don't worry, I've got a new faith now. I worship Glapdischnook, the three-headed lizard God from Uranus. All those willing are welcome to join his holy following. Go ahead! Join now! Before it's too late!
Sinistral, 1998
Yes, Yet another piece of Holy Crap!