Entry #1, 5/4/97
The 700 Club!
One day, I felt like learning a few things, I was in a normal curious mood, so I sat down in front of the television and flipped through the channels. And what pray-tell did I come upon? Why, the 700Club! My, my, my, what a useful place to gather your information on the world from! I've learned several things already!
1)The End is Near:According to the sources of Pat Robertson and other surporters of the 700Club, this century has shown all the signs Jesus said would occur just before his second coming. Earthquakes, Pestilance, Big Wars, Corny Sit-coms, the whole bit. I sat there on the edge of my seat thinking ,"My God we're all DOOMED!"
Across my TV screen, passages from the Bible soared by as a deep voice read them aloud and explained how this was the sign of Doom for this world. "I think it's obvious that God may have chosen the end of the 20th century for the time of judgement" Said a stiffled Pat Robertson, his head shaking irraticly.
So the first thing to remember is to buy your Jesus-in-a-Pepsi-Cola-Symbol T-Shirts, don your "I Luv JESUS!" Caps, Wear your "Air-Jesus" High tops, and get ready cuz Gabriels gonna blow that horn!
2)God loves money: PLEDGE PLEDGE PLEDGE! That's all you need to do! Their last pledge drive was so successful they've asked for even more, to total at $875,000. "I just love what you do, Praise the Lord" says Anne from Georgia after promising to sign up.
3)The Devil is in Our Schools:I had no idea we were doing such horrid things to our school-going youth! My god. I thought we were teaching them what a uterus was in sex-ed, it turns out that we're assigning masturbation as homework! According to sources of the 700club, hookers have been asked by school systems nation-wide to lecture students and teachers are telling students to abort their fetuses!
"The Public school system has hit an all time low"says the unseen anouncer. Boy! Has it! I mean look at these kids, running around with nose rings and green hair, it's so scary! My God, we should teach them safe clean values of the generation-now-in-powers' years, like hippi- hood and disco.
Also, of course we're forcing kids to have sex and be young mothers by recomending the use of condoms instead of going it bare. As we all know, it's not the hormones in the teen's body but a peice of wrapped-up oval laytex that makes kids want to have sex.
4)Believe and you will be HEALED!: Faith pays not just in large amounts of cash but also in Health Care services, according to a caller to the 700Club. Pat Robertson earlier had suddenly come to the realization through his pact with God that somebody has just been healed of a broken shoulder-disk. And wouldn't ya know, less than an hour later. RING RING! War vet calling! And you know what!? He's been Healed of just what ol' Pat said!
HALLELUJAH!
I can't wait to watch this informative and thrilling program again next time! I had no idea the Lord had such power and kindness. I mean, Healing a heroic war veteran and then killing him and everyone else off too in the second coming and Armeggedon!
Isn't God Be-yuti-ful? : )
Sinistral, 1997
This has been an example, of Holy Crap ;)
