The 10 Conserva-clans

War Cry:"I says the truth!"

General Description:This is usually the most pompous of the conserva-clans. This clan is convinced beyond a doubt that whatever comes out of their mouths is the turth, the only truth and anybody who doesn't believe them is a liar. Though not necesary harmful, this clan is usually the most annoying. You can show them all the proof you want and they'll dismiss it a, "liberal propaganda." You can refute them with common sense and they'll repeat themselves for no particular reason.

This clan is also known to have "Titles" which are especially pompous, such as moldng the word "Reality" with their name, or something like "Truth/Lie-Detector." Not all do this however, but otherwise they're just stubborn, refusing to budge for any reason.

War Cry:"Megadittoes!"

General Description:This is the Clan led by Chief Limbaugh. These people will blindly absorb, believe and follow whatever their chief says, containing little will of their own. They refer to themselves as "Dittoheads" which actually fits quite well.

This crowd is also rabidly conservative, I find that there among them all are perhaps the least likely to think before acting. Look for these words as a sign of the Ditt Clan: Feminazi, Enviro- fascist/nut, Algore, Cute little fuzzball, ditto, welfare-bum/wimp.

War Cry:"You Baby-killers!"

General Description:These people are absolutely obsessed with their pro-life stance. So much so that they accuse their opponents of murder itself, they have a nasty habit of getting pompous. Abortion, being the steaming hot issue that it is, is sometimes prefered to be left out of political debates to avoid too much venom flying around, a member of the Abortorammer Clan will not recognize this desire to avoid the abortion-issue to keep things going on sane. They will insist that the reason none of the pro-choicers want to talk about it is becuase pro-lifers are right.

The most dire and extreme of The Abortorammer Clan will compare abortion's being legal to the nazi holocaust, clinics where people can get an abortion to concentration camps and the doctors who perform them as nazi executionists. They tend not to stop and think about how using "nazi" as a political tool would dishonor the memories of those who perished in the actual nazi holocaust.

War Cry:"USA! USA!"

General Description:These people love America so much that they'd sacrifice themselves and everybody the love for it and not even know why they're doing it. To no surprise, most of The Amerikook Clan consists primarily of people who see patriotism's flashiness over it's real, more sane, meaning. Signs that a person you're talking to is a member of this clan are: If that person refers to people against the Anti-Flag Burning amendment as traitors and perhaps even say that they'd get violent should they encounter a flag-burner, hate not only communism but everybody in the communist country, refer to anybody who isn't necesarilly capitalism-adoring as a communist, etc.

War Cry:"Haaaallelujah! You're going to Hell!"

General Description:Like Rush Limbaugh is the Chief of the Ditt Clan, Pat Robertson is the Chief of the Fundamental-problemist Clan, his assistant is Ralph Reed. These people use religion as an excuse for things like bigotry, power-greed and hatred. They'll take advantage of the overly trusting and naive to "assimilate" them into their clan, and before you know it people will turn God into a hateful, wrathful, jerk.

Among this clan is also a disturbing amount of swindlers, hence the power-greed reference earlier. These people are responsible for the work of fiction that claims to be true, "The Clinton Chronicles" and it's sequal (P.S. send money), the 700 Club, get your problems healed by watching our show! (P.S. we'd like more money), and while your at it you can perhaps buy Pat Robertson book (For a price), and other such huey.

It's not that hard to recognize a fundamental-problemist Clan member. You'll know it right off if one of the first things to spill from their mouth (or keyboard) is "I'm a Christian.", only they think people need to know that right away.

War Cry:"Big Government! Big Government! Big Government!"

General Description:These people hate hate hate hate government intervention... unless it's intervening by the method they prefer. They preach their anti-big government blather to the public and the pull the wool over peoples eyes, suddenly supporting corperate welfare, high-military spending, the drug-war, bedroom-policing, larger prisons (Necesary with the two prior mentioned), religious indoctrination, illegalizing abortion, etc.

It should be noted that there is a wing of this clan called the "Legitimate Governawhackers". These people are libertarians, or at least lean libertarian. Libertarians tend to be conservatives that noticed what was wrong with the conservative veiw on big-government and are the only people who stand by their Governawhacker policies entirely. This doesn't necesarily mean they're all totally dependable, however it's better than a conservative Governawhacker. Definitely.

War Cry:"We're the only way!"

General Description:Of all the clans, this is the most disgusting, yet easiest to refute. The Bigotrolls are the premier bigots, hating blacks (See:Criminals, welfare-bums, idiots) hating gays (See:deasese spreading sodomists, Godless GRID incubators) hating women (See:Bitch, feminazi, little woman, "cunts") and of course, hating liberals (See:Commie-bastards, Marxist- freaks, Helpless big-government loving wussies). Some are best avoided, but any good liberal can have a feild day with such fools and have fun with it on the 'net. Though I wouldn't tell any of them my actual adress for pretty much anything...

War Cry:"Coinsidence... or is it?"

General Description:These are the insecure psychoes that think that an NWO is being formed behind the public's backs, black helicopters are spying on people, liberals (And sometimes everybody that doesn't believe them!) is out there to destroy the foundations of freedom. One hyphenated word sums up the Paranoidacs: Looney-toons

War Cry:"Klinton!"

General Description:These people are absolutely obsessed with the Clinton Scandals (Be they based on reality or not). These people think that the first-couple are behind Vince Foster's death (And many more sometimes as well!), they also are convinced that anything they hear anti-Clinton is true.

To test if you are talking to a Scandalcrier, try telling them a made up story about Bill Clinton, like he cheated one day on Hillary with Janet Reno. If they don't say that that's ridiculous, they're definitely a Scandalcrier. Some aren't quite that stupid and if they know you're liberal they'll never take you seriously with such a question. Then just ask what they think of Clinton scandals, if they bother answering you'll be blessed to read allot of the stupid nonsense that makes any legitimite problems Clinton has seem like good deeds.

War Cry:(None)

General Description:Finally, the Clan of conservatives that aren't pompous, aren't drones, aren't endlessly obsessed with any one issue, don't drool red white & blue, aren't bigots, don't abuse religion and don't think everyone is agaist them. This is the Civilus Clan. Conservatives that are worth talking too.

Some Civili have tiny traces of the other clans, but that's okay, the Civilus side will almost always show through it all. These conservatives make arguments that require you to think, they don't change your veiws automaticly, but you carefully go over what they say and how you'll reply. It's good to know that there are such people out there. Unfortunately (for them ;) ), the idiots in the other clans are the loudest.

So there they are, the 10 Conserva-clans, now you can classify one should you need to with this guide. And remember, should you be ganged up on by a Fundamental-problemist and a pair of Thuthspankers, just laugh, perhaps give them a little pat on the head and go right ahead and calmly refute their blather, just make sure you never loose your knowing smile. ;-)