Message by Dee and Ralph Brandt - Delivered in AM service at Christian Life Church York PA - July 1995.
Last week we had a prophecy conference at Harrisburg. In case you didn't go, you missed it. And the Elders got the opportunity to meet for a while with the Bishop (Bishop Bill Hammon of Christian International) on Saturday afternoon. When we came in he looked around and said, "this is how it should look." He explained that CI ordains couples to minister, this is the first time he has seen a church eldership that was also couples. He stressed team ministry. My mind went back to a night in early June when I was assigned to this service and I mentioned to the Pastor that I felt Dee and I should do it together. I'd planned this and had not changed my mind. The Bishop's statement was just a confirmation.
During this week Dee and I have had several opportunities to have intense conversations, that's another word for disagreement. We had almost disagreed to not teach together, I would go to plan B and teach another lesson. But I'm convinced God isn't pleased with plan B because plan B is never his will when he gave plan A. Plan B is what we settle for when we can't get our act together with him. We want you to understand, we don't always agree, neither of us always does the right thing, and sometimes one or both of us forgets what's important for a time. This is not the ideal, but if we get back to the basics God will bless.
This morning we are going to talk about the Christian Marriage. And while we are about it we'll discuss some things that are basic foundations for relationships so those of you who aren't married shouldn't turn us off.
Christian marriage is a covenant, a joining of a man and a woman under God. God ordained marriage, smiled on it, gave it his approval. In Genesis 2:24 he said a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two are as one flesh. And what God has joined together, let no man or woman put asunder. (Mark 10:9)
God instituted marriage with Adam and Eve. He placed Eve in the garden as a helpmate with Aldam, at her side, not under his feet. (Genesis 2:20) God placed her there to co-labor with him, not to be a slave to him. God placed her there to comfort him, not to be a posession.
But man has subverted marriage, made it something less than God intended and in the process degraded both he and his wife. Man has taken the helpmate and made her a doormat, and in doing so, degraded himself to being a tyrant. Paul said, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." (Eph 5:25) Man has taken the one who God intended to co-labor with him and made her a slave, and in doing so, degraded himself a slavemaster. He took the one who was to comfort him and reduced her to a posession and now she can no longer provide the comfort.
God placed Adam as a protector and provider, not a predator. Predators take advantage of others who are weaker or at the time are unable to defend themselves. From the standpoint of protection and provision, Adam was to be like God to Eve and in from the standpoint of comfort and love, Eve was to be like God to Adam. Adam and Eve were to be examples we should follow.
But man has subverted this too. Men prey on women, misuse and mistreat them and in doing so destroy themselves as well as the woman. And when they do, they cannot be like God to the woman, and the woman cannot provide the comfort and support and be like God to the man. Everyone loses.
We can expect this in the world but in the Church, this should not be.
And often the vehicle used to enslave, to degrade, to own is the scriptures, again subverted, taken out of context and improperly interpreted. In doing so we bring reproach to the gospel because all too often the world does better than the church. We are the salt of the earth, we should be the standard others are measured by. (Matt 5:13) And often we are not. Brethern, these things should not be.
And let me digress, there are wives who manipulate and control their husbands who do no better. They must be in control, and if they are not, they snivel and threaten until they are. I cannot find scripture for this but when they get what they want they are all too often not happy with it. This too should not be.
But if you want the best performance out of anything, you need to make sure it's being properly taken care of. I have a nephew who is into motorcycles and he's good at taking care of them. His bikes always seem to be running at the top of their performance. But that means good fuel, proper oil, and being tuned up regularly.
And a marriage needs the same thing. It needs fuel, the time spent to keep it alive and running. It needs oil, the love two people have for each other which smooths out the rough edges and allows two people to work together without friction. And it needs tuning, this is the times when the roughness gets smoothed out by two people sitting down and as the word says, "come let us reason together." This can never be one dictating to the other, but both sharing together.
Now I'm not advocating doing away with headship, but I'm showing headship as Jesus taught it. In scriptural headship, one person does't Lord over the another. The world looks at headship as dictatorship and oppression, not the loving relationship Christ taught because in that relationship, the feelings, needs and aspirations of both the wife and husband come together and there is submission and prefering and deferring to one another.
Let me explain those words. Submission is willingly making yourself subject to the other. It can never be forced, that is slavery. Preferring and deferring is really the act of love. To prefer the other is to allow the other to have or do something you really do not see as important, but it is to them, hence you agree to it. Scripture (Preferring one another) I'm not saying go along now and complain if it doesn't work, I mean agree with it and if it goes wrong or right, it is as much your responsibility as the other person's. Deferring is to allow the other's opinion to override yours, but again, it must be done in agreement. See I Corintians 13 - love Seeketh not her own. That is simply preferring one another.
Let me give you an example. Unless the color of the house or a room is real wierd, it doesn't matter to me. I defer to Dee on those matters. I prefer her opinion, as a person more expert. So I defer to her, to make her happier, and I prefer her because she knows better. But let me give you an example, if we were going to use a particular room as a video studio, then I'd push for a medium blue walls. I know that's best. So does she in this case, but if she wasn't aware of this, I'd give her a couple of choices in the blue range and ask her to pick the one she likes best. I'd get what I feel we need and she'd get something she can live with. I think there are those here, Connie for example, who can tell you how dumb I'd look if I tried to be a color coordinator. I haven't studied it, I don't care about it, I don't do it well.
And preferring and deferring can also be in the spiritual realm. Shortly after Dee and I got married I got this tremendous job offer with another company. I personally knew the man who would be my new boss. I came home from the interview, with a firm offer, but had no strong feelings about it. Dee didn't feel good about it and I decided to put it on hold, see what happened, I had a week to give an answer. Within the week, my friend was fired for cause, the whole department had a shakeup and nearly everyone there was out of a job. Everyone hired by the man I knew was fired. I would have given notice and had no job. I could have probably withdrew my resignation but it would have hurt me with my current employer. That was short term, but what about long? The name of the company was Cole Steel. They are long gone from York. And by the way, the company I was with came through with a raise to almost the promised salary within three months.
Men, your wives hear from God, many of them more than you do. You need to begin to listen to them. One little aside here, if you begin to be open to him in this way, I believe God will bless in helping you to hear more yourself. The more you open avenues for God to speak, the more he seems to speak directly. Now listening to her doesn't mean you aren't the head, just that you're smart. You'd listen to a lawyer if he gave you advice because he knows more about something, why not your wife if she is more expert? Come on, what are you afraid of? She already knows there are things you don't know anything about. You look dumber if you try to hide the obvious. Look at what happened to Pontious Pilate, his wife warned him to not have anything to do with Jesus, but he wouldn't listen.
Being the head means having the final say and the final responsibility. It doesn't always mean doing it the way you wanted to. If you have problems with this, so do others, work on getting over it.
We tend to be self centered. But to be successful in marriage we need to learn to quit seeing ourselves as the center of the universe. Men are generally caught in this. (DEE) And we are called to lay down our lives. Men and women need to be sure what they communicate what they feal -- it is important that the other person know what they are thinking. Remember we are commnded to love God, then care for our family and then the ministry, When we get our our priorities messed up -- we get everything, including our families messed up. No matter what you say, if you actions don't support it, it isn't believed. When God spoke something he spoke truth, and it came into existance. What is spoken must be followed through, without this it is just one more thing that isn't true.
(REB) And women in are caught in the I'm not worth much trap because all too many of them have been beaten down by society and need to be built up by those who love them. If they weren't the most gorgeous they were called wall flowers, if they aren't the smartest they are called bumb, if they are the smartest or the prettiest, they're shut out by other women. Too many of them have been dealt blows of divorce, spousal infidelity, or abuse of all kinds. And we wonder why they do some of the things they do to get attention. And let me assure you, I don't always do it right, sometimes I don't even get close.
Women generally fall into one of two gooups.
1) A wife with a full time job outside the home. 2) A stay at home wife - raising children
Each of them are subject to pressures. The wife with the full time job is pressured to be the SUPER MOM, doing it all. She generally sees burnout and frustration. The stay at home wife is generally tacetly looked upon by society as a "not working."
(DEE) Practical --
But what can a husband do to help? Let me give you some ideas.
1) Treat her as a gift from God. (He who finds a wife finds a good thing.) I know that's difficult when she's telling you to pick up your socks. And ordering her around isn't the answer either. (DEE)
2) Treat her as valuable. (She is)
3) Treate her as a partner. (She is) Although the husband is the head, remember if you go down, she goes down with you. She has as much stake in your success as you do. She helps you, you help her.
4) Treat her as one who can hear from God. She may hear when you have your ears plugged and save you from a big mistake.
5) Treat her as a plumbline. A plumbline is used to test if things are upright. If she thinks something you are doing is wrong, go back to God on it and make sure it isn't. (DEE) If you're going to do it anyway, you are going to hurt your marriage if she really thinks it is wrong.
6) Don't praise everyone but her... Count how many times a day you say how greate someone else is in her presence. If it is consistently more than the good things you say about her, think about it.. What are you telling her?
I could name a couple of you who will say everyone is great but your wife. Let's face it, most of us are just plain blessed to have the wives we do, and if we had a shread of sense, we'd recognize it. Some day, look at yourself, would you want to live with someone who is like you? I have come to the conclusion most of these women must see something in their husband that isn't obvious. I'll bet there are some men here who's wives would consider it a complement if they said "your cooking isn't nearly as bad as it was ten years ago." If you say things like that to your wife, repent, to God and to her. Then start doing better.
There are some of you I'd like to get your attention and tell you, it's time to get started. Some of you are living under the grace of God. I've had a mind several times to get your attention and God hasn't given me permission. He hasn't told me I'm wrong, I just get, NOT YET. How many of you know not yet and no aren't the same.
Men, call a family council from time to time. Let children know what is expected and what they can expect for the family.
DItch the ego, If you're trying to live vicariously through the children, stop it. If you're pushing them to do things you probably are.
The most dangerous things are Subtle pressure. This Hidden pressure is destructive to the wife and family..
Let me give you something to search you rheart with. Would you allow your wife to be a Proverbs 31 wife? Would you allow her to buy and sell fields. Would you allow her or would you feel threatened? You shouldn't because the end of that passage says her husband is known because of her.
WRAPUP
Let me get personal. Some of you guys have ego's as big as the south mountain. If your wife came up with an idea, you'd reject it as being wrong without thought. Come on, I know most of you and I know your wives. The ones of you that try to act the most suave are the ones that couldn't figure out what's happening without help. And generally your wives could tell you if you ask.
We keep talking about the men taking their rightful place, GOOD, we need to, every one of us. But if you plan to take that place you need to be ready. How many of you would want to take a foxhole in the front line of a battle without the proper training? That may sound stupid but that is just what some of you are trying to do. Others are just plain deserting. In many cases the women are better prepared. What does that do for your ego? By the time I'm done I want you to realize how much trouble it can get you into.
My wife was raised in a cold UB church, I was raised a super spiritual Pentecostal. Guess who spoke in tongues first? HER! That kinda woke me up, I got so mad it took me about another couple of weeks to get my head straight. She still is generally ahead of me in much of our spiritual life. She does things I'd never even think to try. I keep trying to catch up, but that pushes me and I need it. We're both doing things to grow and it is working but I've come to the place where I no longer feel intimidated. She never tried to intimidate me, but I left it happen. When I started treating her like I would a more experienced soldier in my foxhole, I started growing. Think about it, if you had a more experienced soldier sharing your foxhole, wouldn't you listen to him? Wouldn't you learn from him?
And you need to learn before you're thrown into the foxhole. You claim, you don't have time... To pray, to read the bible, to take classes, to spend time with God... OK, let's try it this way. I want you to start asking God about some of the things you're doing, should you be doing them. I'll bet you'll find time. And some of you guys who are in a battle and have no training, you had better listen to your wives. Or better still, get some.
There is one big reson why many of you aren't growing, it's pride. Some of you are so humble you're prowd of it. You're afraid to take a class -- someone might find out how little you know. Let me give you some help, they'll think more of you trying than trying to hide. There was one guy who came to me in the Bible Study Methods class last year, he was worried about the class -- there was a lot of writing. He had concerns. I sat and read what he had written, it was good, I made some minor suggestions and encouraged him to keep on. The devil had convinced him he couldn't do it... And if you think a class is easy, FORGET IT. But neither is basic training. And if he can convince you that you can't do it, that you'll fail and everyone will laugh, he just won, without a fight.
Over the years Dee and I have attended nearly every marriage seminar that has been offered. Sue and Bill will probably tell you that we took the easy out on MMI, a two day seminar, and that is true. And MMI is a great program and it's worth every minute you put into it. But one of the best short things we were taught came from Sister Brewer at First Assembly in 1968, we went there briefly while they were on Princess Street. It's good advice for everyone, not just couples. She told us about a scripture, Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. She rephrased it, don't go to bed angry. Settle it. And we've generally done that over the years. Not always, and we've payed for it.
How many have gone to MMI? How many haven't? Let me suggest that if you haven't, get into one now. I'm sure Sue and Bill will help you if you like. If you want to get into it next time, give Bill and Sue a card with your name, don't ask them details, just give them the card. Terry has some back there, and Sue and Bill, if you call them up and tell them they have an opening and they don't take it, call me, I want to hear the excuse and I'm going to want to hear it from the person. I'll bet it's a creative one.
Let me show you a symbol of marriage I've been seeing this all week, and I asked Bill to help me show it. He's going to play something on the piano with one hand, then with the other. See how each seems to be incomplete? Now let him play with both hands, they complement each other. They make the music rich and full. But it only happens if the hands work together. And that is how it is with a couple -- when they get it together, the harmony is beautiful.
There are some of you here who came today and you know well that Dee and I are right and you are about to leave angry with us and yourself. Don't do it, get things right with God and your spouse, he will bless...
I want the elders down front.. You need prayer, come down... I believe some of you want me to pick you out so you can get upset with me. I'll only do this if God tells me. If you see someone that comes and you're critical of them, you better come down and repent.
Copyright 1995 Ralph E. and Deanna M. Brandt, York PA
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