Ways to Annoy Your Public Restroom Neighbor

-- by Author Anonymous... You'll soon see why.
(Excreted: 24 Sept. 97)

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WARNING: For crude guys only: Contains intensively adolescent crudeness.

(Edited somewhat: Replaced some suggestions that were... sub-standard... and doubled their number. Not for snobby, proper, stuck-up polite folk. Yes, I admit it: I flushed my standards with this one.)

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1. Stick your open hand under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "Excuse me, may I borrow a pen?"

2. Using a paper clip to simulate a ballpoint pen (or the back end of the pen to simulate a felt-tip,) pretend to write War and Peace on the wall.

3. When done, say, "Uh oh, guess I should've put the seat up."

4. Remind newcomers, "Don't forget to put the seat up."

5. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function.

6. Say, "Brrr, this water's cold."

7. Drop one of those jawbreakers that looks like an eye on the floor and say, "Excuse me. Could please kick that back over here?"

8. Ask your neighbor, "Pardon me, but do you have any Gray Poupon?"

9. Drop a pair of golf balls on the floor and say, "Oh, no, my prosthetics!"

10. Mumble, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

11. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from shoulder height. Sigh relaxingly.

12. Before flushung, wring out a wet washcloth over the bowl and then say, "Cool! Now I've got change for the soda machine!"

13. Say, "I'M BLEEDING! I'M BLEEDING! Oh... that's right; I ate beets last night. Nevermind."

14. Fill up a squirt gun with Mountain Dew. Squirt erratically over and under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoah! Easy boy!"

15. Fill the squirt gun with slightly diluted Elmer's glue.

16. Say, "3, 4, 5. Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'"

17. Using a small squeeze tube, spread molasses on a wad of toilet paper and flip the wad into the neighboring stall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you pass that back over here please?"

18. Count out loud the number of times the person in the next stall tears tissue off the roll.

19. Every 15 seconds, vigorously tear some tissue off the roll.

20. As soon as your neighbor leaves (but before the next person enters) reach under the wall and scatter the pieces of tissue around the recently vacated comode.

21. Fill a balloon with vegetable soup. Rush into a stall with your hand over your mouth and make appropriate noises while splattering the soup all about. Then say, "Hmmmm. Needs more salt."

22. Say, "Eeeeewww. It's still moving."

23. Say, "Wow, this tissue is so soft!" Hold a wad of it under the wall and ask, "Here, try it!"

24. Say, "Wow! I didn't know goldfish could survive all the way through the digestive tract!"

25. Say, "I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

26. Play a well-known cadence over and over again on your belly.

27. Just before unrolling tissue, lay a copy on the floor, visible to the occupant of the next stall, of "Cross-Dressers Anonymous Newsletter." Set a jar of nail paint on it.

28. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall; adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

29. Change your shirt; then drop a frilly bra on the floor under the stall wall and whistle, "Born Free."

30. If the occupant of the next stall is making bodily noises of, shall we say, an elective nature, remember that a water balloon into an occupied stall is always great fun!

31. Ask, "Does anyone know how to identify a tapeworm?"

32. Take a newspaper into the stall with you. Then "read" the story about the rash of local folks who've been bitten by snakes while sitting in the head.

33. Take a bag of noisy chips with you. Eat them. Noisily.

34. Hold the bag under the stall wall and ask, "Want some?"

35. Snicker loudly after the newcomer at the next urinal unzips.

36. Take this message with you and read it as an aid for producing authentic-sounding laughter.

37. After flushing, say loudly, "Uh oh! Pick your feet up!"

38. Before leaving, say, "It's OK ma'am. We're all adults here; they won't mind."

39. Say, "Mmmmm! Who had chile last night? I just love chile!"

40. Call your friends on your cell phone and poll them on the best way to make meatballs.

41. Take a spray water bottle with you. While pretending to sneeze, squirt a coarse mist up into the air. Mutter to yourself, "Damned AIDS!"

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