Parental guidance is required....
1. Holding a séance to bring back Elvis Presley from the afterlife just to ask him, "What psychedelic drugs were you take while filming 'Roustabout'? Because that movie sucked…Mr. Presley."

2. Crank calling Bill Gates (AKA Santa Claus or The Incredible Software Hulk) to say, "Hey where's my XBOX 360, punk? And why are the games $20 more… for the same freaking game!!!?"

3. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian for a Colostomy. During the procedure, he offers you Twizzlers, hands you Juju petals and says quite chipper, "Every time a bell rings, an asshole gets cleaned out."

4. Holding a G13 Summit Meeting with such heavyweights as the Bush sisters, the Gore daughters, Christina Aguliera, Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie. You discuss arms proliferation while playing a mean game of strip TWISTER.

5. You and a best friend go dumpster diving in the swank neighborhoods of Aspen, Colorado looking for the best possible morsel tossed out by the fly-by-night YUPPIES. You encounter Kobe Bryant…looking for his "A" game.

6. After his long Christmas MASS, you wake The Pope abruptly from his slumber and tell him, in Latin, "Credo Elvem etiam vivere! Die dulci freure! - I believe Elvis lives!  Have a nice day!"

7. You climb the Empire State Building (with Naomi Watts in tow.) At the top, you scream, "Look, I'm on top of the WORLD!!!" and bungee jump off, only to realize (too late) the cord is 5 feet too long. Naomi spends several hours waiting for a helicopter ride, then flags a cab to Peter Jackson's next film set of weirdness and Oscar 'potential.'

8. You make a blood pact, hammered, with Bill O'Reilly to reduce the number of KFC franchises in NYC while swapping war stories of conquest, drunkenness and lecherous behavior at The Doll House, an upscale strip club. O'Reilly looks at new intern(s) possibilities and ferrets out a few "video resumes" from the candidates for perusal later. Later, Bill gets picked up for soliciting sex from a tranny…

9. You attempt to rob a 7-11 at the exact moment Gary Busey and Winona Ryder decided to do the same. You bond, and become the famed trio of Pistolero Bandits: Gary Ryder Harder Trio. You rob 7-11s, Speedways and Sonics from coast to coast and never get caught.
10. You wake up Christmas Day and find yourself as a CARTOON working as Beavis on 'Beavis and Butthead.' You get to rehearse, "The angle of dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat," while sitting in your STAR chair at Universal Studios. Everyone wants to draw you…

11. While flying the U-2 spy plane (learner's permit), you run into Wonder Woman and set down in Aruba. Things ensue…you get married and have 50 super strong, but super dumb kids, and Wonder Woman needs full body lypo shortly after her 350th birthday. (Fountain of Youth discovered…but skin never quite stops drooping…)

12. And finally, each Holiday, you find one profound reason to give joy and happiness and peace unto men: You like the upside of monetary gain, personal attainment of materialistic goals and overall acceptance into the milieu of your peers and inferiors. …And it sure beats the Hell out of being a Fucking Scrooge!!!

Happy Holidays!!!