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Crisis Intervention and Prevention
Today it is getting harder and harder to deal with out of
control Teenagers. They are influenced by their friends, by Movies,
TV Shows and of course their "way out there, unrealistic music".
Actually it does not have much to do with music, I call it noise!
Some Kids never learned problem solving or have good communication
skills.
I have listened to Kids on the phone, speaking to their mother in a tone
of voice, cursing and demanding. Usually when I overhear this,
I take the phone from them and tell them straight out, you are not
abusing the right to use my phone, should you decide to be nice
to your mom, you may use it again. But because of their negative
behaviour I will ground them (out of my house) for a week or so.
My Foster Children think this is funny, when I ground their friends
out of the house. But they will also tell their friends or visitors
what they can and can not do here. Like arrive when they have been
drinking or after doing drugs or maybe want a place to stay for
a night, because they do not want to follow simple rules at home.
I call the parents and send them home.
I have seen parents, step-parents, at times foster-parents lose it
with a Teenager. They say the child is out of control, my way is
simple:" Do not let it get that far". Put the brakes on, this is not a
competition over power. Look at the early signs and prevent....
It begins with ANXIETY, a noticeable change or increase in
behaviour.
You could be SUPPORTIVE, talk to them have an emphatetic, non
judgemental approch to leviate the anxiety. Convey understanding!
Next some might get DEFENSIVE, noticable loss of rationality,
being belligerent, challenging you. They are getting verbally out of
control.
You must be able to set LIMITS, in a calm tone of voice, not respond
to the challenges or belligerent tone of your Teen. Stay calm, use
even volume, give them space to walk away. Tell them you see that
they are upset and maybe you could talk later about it, when things
are calmer.
Do not tell them that you understand, because they do not understand
themselves, and you will get it right back.
Make sure there is a safe distance between you two for, personnal
saftey, non-challenging, non-threatening and make sure neither you
nor the child a cornered, leave space to escape for both of you.
First stage is Questioning: Why me, but my friends are permitted,
you hate me, why should I do this etc.
Give them a rational response, even a reason. Remember non-challening
non-threatening, safe distance.
Next come challenging questions:What are you going to do about it?
You can not stop me, you can not make me etc.
Re-direct, stay on the topic and set limits again. Do not respond to the
challenging questions, or irrational reasoning. Just state the facts,
no I can not permit this etc.
Now some will release verbally: call you names, try to hurt you
getting to you emotionally. Kids/Teens know your triggers better
than yourself.
Let them, when they come up for air, set limits again.
Now comes the Intimmidation: verbal and non-verbal treats.
I hate you, I could hit you, I could kill you etc.
Stay very calm, keep safe distance, take them seriously, look
for assistance, leave if need be, call a friend to come over or the
police.
Do not respond to this intimmidation by returning treats or by
saying: I hate you to, I could hit you to and hurt even kill you.
Or by saying: I do not want you, need you, love you. I am going
to send you away and so on.
Stay calm, keep your distance, look for assistance!
Once this is over because it takes a lot of energie to stay angry
at someone who stays calm, then and only then you can again
set limits, give options, and state consequences.
Make things simple, clear, reasonable, enforcable.
Listen with empathy, separate feelings and fact.
be non-judgemental
watch non-verbals
give them undevidet attention
use silence
use re-statements
use I-messages.
There are a lot of internal and external factors of behaviour in teens
over which we have no control.
selfesteem (perception), past history (experience), Mental Disorders,
religion or culture, family structure, abuse,Phone-communication
could be positive or negative.Peer relationships, personality conflicts,
broken promises, loss of trust, misplaced anger, lack of money, attention
seeking behaviour, failure or fear off failure, drug use, alcohol abuse.
Of course as a foster-parent you could possibly encounter all of the
above, as a natural parent, or step-parent only some specific ones.
Verbal acting out -----Verbal Intervention
Physical acting out----think saftey, call assistance, call police
Usually after a crisis there are still feelings in the child, like they
might cry, sleep, be remorseful, they might apologize, feel shame.
There is also the fear of concequences.
Find out what the triggers of undesirable behaviours are, there are
usually patterns of behaviour, be attentive in your fact-finding quest.
Negogiate solutions with your child, give them an opportunity to show
you they can do better.
Remember "Rational Detachment" - the ability to stay in control
of own behaviour and do not take acting out behavior personally.
And never forget: Attempt to re-establish communication with your
teen once the crisis is over.
I never " Enter the Dragon" as I call it when one of my teens is
out of control in the verbal stage, I will state my directive,
take the dog for a walk, call a friend, take a bath, go for a drive.
Physical acting out, destruction of property, treats against my life,
grabbing of hair, trying to hit me etc. I call the police. Even so I am
trained in restraining a child or teenager, and fully trained in self-
defence. The saftey of the child/Teen, other adults or children in
the home are far more important, then me trying to prove something.
Consistency will pay off in time, the children in this home know
what the consequences are, before they break rules.