"A child hit`s a child and we call it aggression,
A child hit`s an adult and we call it hostility,
An adult hit`s an adult and we call it assault and battery,
An adult hit`s a child and we call it discipline."
[Children`s Bureau, National Advocate]
Anger and Discipline
Discipline and Anger
This is what taught me not to hit!
Where does discipline end and anger begin?
As a parent and fosterparent I am often concerned by how parents
explain physical punishment inflicted on a child. How and why it is supposed
to teach the children right from wrong.
Sure we all say, I was punished as a child and it did not hurt me.
Well, I was physically punished as a child and it taught me, never
ever to lay a hand on a child.
The problem is that we are angry, when we punish a child. Our Anger
will blind us from reasoning. We are the one`s that have a fit of anger
and punishing our children will make us feel better, for the moment
anyway. But in the long run, it does not work for us, or for the Kids.
Anger is like a sickness that will creep into us, and we look for the
outlet that will help us. Hurting our children is one of them.
Because if we hurt an adult we will have to pay for it in court.
Assault and Battery, common Assault, it does not matter what you
call it, it is against the Law.
Well it is also against the Law to hurt children, that is a fact.
So what we have to learn is to control our anger and that is not easy, I know.
What is it that brings it on? Is it because
we where taught by our parents? The first time I almost "lost" it
with my child, I was shocked. Shocked to see that the very form of
punishment that was ruling my childhood, was so easy to pass on to
my child. I walked away....I cried and the child I was ready to hit
was the one that comforted me.
That was when I knew, that I was the one that needed help,
help to understand my anger, help to control it.
I started by going back, back to my parents and asking them "why"
the hitting, the hurting, the abuse, the trying to take my life.
I was not prepared for what I was about to hear, my mother told me
about her childhood, her dreams, her fears.
Then I understood, she held us responsible for failing to reach her
dreams, the future that she had wanted. She had big plans, had her future
all figured out. Then "Love" came and with it, us children, her dreams
went up in smoke. She was 25 years old, and had 4 Children.
So she went on dreaming with books, I remember her reading all
the time. Not having time to take care of us anymore, not being
able to deal with us. She tried to take her life many times and it
really, really scared us. I never had felt so sorry for my mother
as when she told me, that she was sorry for all the things she had
"not done right".
I felt sorry for her for being weak, for taking it out on the weak.
For not being able to achive her dreams and goals. For a life that
was almost wasted.
My father drowned his sorrow in beer, and had a real bad temper
sometimes. He could be the greatest father, and then turn into a
nightmare. I never knew what was waiting for me at home, peace or
hell on earth.
Did I really want my son to feel like that?
No, so I had to get some parenting skills real fast.
I forgave my parents for their short-commings in parenting skills.
So I went on and took courses, in Anger-Management, Early Childhood-
Training, Crisis Intervention, Stress-Management, How to talk to Children.
Suicide-Prevention, Parenting Children, Parenting Teens,1-2-3-Magic
"Time Out", Behaviour Modification Programs. Love and Logic.
Whatever was out there I have learned, then I became a fosterparent
and realized that the knowledge I had accumulated
over the years helped, but was not enough. So back I went,
took Non Violent Crisis Intervention, Orientation Programms,
How to foster the sexually abused child, the physically abused child
Drug and Alcohol Abuse, mental abuse, children with Tourette syndrome
Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Attention Deficit,
Fetal Alcohol Symdrome, Attachment Disorder, Drug dependancy,
Attention Deficit and Hyperactive Disorder. I took a nursing course
so I could fulfill the medical needs of children.
Then I started working with children who broke the Law, I had a new
Bible which was called The Criminal Code Of Canada, The Young
Offenders Act. Still not enough, I learned about HIV, AIDS. How
to provide safe surroundings for them. Other Courses followed,
because I recieved native children, I learned about their heritage
so I could teach them about it, and bring them to special occasions
on the Reservation. I got language tapes from the Agency, so they
could learn their native tongue. I fostered children from other
Races, Religions and had to learn about it first or with them.
Sexual Orientation is sometimes a problem for kids, so courses are
important.
What I learned the most was that ANGER has no place in a home
full of children. And hitting a child does not solve anything,
I do get angry and upset sometimes, then I do the thing I teach
the children in my care. Take time out, go for a walk or a nice
soak in my Whirlpoolbath. And when we are not so angry and exited
we talk, talk a lot. About what the real problem is, how to solve
it. The Kids have great insight and a lot they come up with makes
a lot of sense to me. When they where young we had family meetings
we used a talking Stick, so everyone had their turn.
They did not always go smooth but everyone made an effort
because they wanted a say in how the daily routine, needs changes
or could be improved.
Don`t fight a battle if there is nothing to win!
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most
fun. To lick your wounds,
to smack your lips over
grievances long past, to
roll over your tonque the
prospect of bitter
confrontations still to
come, to savor to the last
tooth some morsel of both
the pain you are given and
the pain you are giving back -
in many ways it is a feast for
a King. The chief drawback is
that what you are wolfing down
is yourself. The skeleton at
the feast is - you.
......................................
- Frederick Buechner
As a parent and fosterparent I am often concerned by how parents
explain physical punishment inflicted on a child. How and why it is supposed
to teach the children right from wrong.
Sure we all say, I was punished as a child and it did not hurt me.
Well, I was physically punished as a child and it taught me, never
ever to lay a hand on a child.
The problem is that we are angry, when we punish a child. Our Anger
will blind us from reasoning. We are the one`s that have a fit of anger
and punishing our children will make us feel better, for the moment
anyway. But in the long run, it does not work for us, or for the Kids.
Anger is like a sickness that will creep into us, and we look for the
outlet that will help us. Hurting our children is one of them.
Because if we hurt an adult we will have to pay for it in court.
Assault and Battery, common Assault, it does not matter what you
call it, it is against the Law.
Well it is also against the Law to hurt children, that is a fact.
So what we have to learn is to control our anger and that is not easy, I know.
What is it that brings it on? Is it because
we where taught by our parents? The first time I almost "lost" it
with my child, I was shocked. Shocked to see that the very form of
punishment that was ruling my childhood, was so easy to pass on to
my child. I walked away....I cried and the child I was ready to hit
was the one that comforted me.
That was when I knew, that I was the one that needed help,
help to understand my anger, help to control it.
I started by going back, back to my parents and asking them "why"
the hitting, the hurting, the abuse, the trying to take my life.
I was not prepared for what I was about to hear, my mother told me
about her childhood, her dreams, her fears.
Then I understood, she held us responsible for failing to reach her
dreams, the future that she had wanted. She had big plans, had her future
all figured out. Then "Love" came and with it, us children, her dreams
went up in smoke. She was 25 years old, and had 4 Children.
So she went on dreaming with books, I remember her reading all
the time. Not having time to take care of us anymore, not being
able to deal with us. She tried to take her life many times and it
really, really scared us. I never had felt so sorry for my mother
as when she told me, that she was sorry for all the things she had
"not done right".
I felt sorry for her for being weak, for taking it out on the weak.
For not being able to achive her dreams and goals. For a life that
was almost wasted.
My father drowned his sorrow in beer, and had a real bad temper
sometimes. He could be the greatest father, and then turn into a
nightmare. I never knew what was waiting for me at home, peace or
hell on earth.
Did I really want my son to feel like that?
No, so I had to get some parenting skills real fast.
I forgave my parents for their short-commings in parenting skills.
So I went on and took courses, in Anger-Management, Early Childhood-
Training, Crisis Intervention, Stress-Management, How to talk to Children.
Suicide-Prevention, Parenting Children, Parenting Teens,1-2-3-Magic
"Time Out", Behaviour Modification Programs. Love and Logic.
Whatever was out there I have learned, then I became a fosterparent
and realized that the knowledge I had accumulated
over the years helped, but was not enough. So back I went,
took Non Violent Crisis Intervention, Orientation Programms,
How to foster the sexually abused child, the physically abused child
Drug and Alcohol Abuse, mental abuse, children with Tourette syndrome
Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Attention Deficit,
Fetal Alcohol Symdrome, Attachment Disorder, Drug dependancy,
Attention Deficit and Hyperactive Disorder. I took a nursing course
so I could fulfill the medical needs of children.
Then I started working with children who broke the Law, I had a new
Bible which was called The Criminal Code Of Canada, The Young
Offenders Act. Still not enough, I learned about HIV, AIDS. How
to provide safe surroundings for them. Other Courses followed,
because I recieved native children, I learned about their heritage
so I could teach them about it, and bring them to special occasions
on the Reservation. I got language tapes from the Agency, so they
could learn their native tongue. I fostered children from other
Races, Religions and had to learn about it first or with them.
Sexual Orientation is sometimes a problem for kids, so courses are
important.
What I learned the most was that ANGER has no place in a home
full of children. And hitting a child does not solve anything,
I do get angry and upset sometimes, then I do the thing I teach
the children in my care. Take time out, go for a walk or a nice
soak in my Whirlpoolbath. And when we are not so angry and exited
we talk, talk a lot. About what the real problem is, how to solve
it. The Kids have great insight and a lot they come up with makes
a lot of sense to me. When they where young we had family meetings
we used a talking Stick, so everyone had their turn.
They did not always go smooth but everyone made an effort
because they wanted a say in how the daily routine, needs changes
or could be improved.
Don`t fight a battle if there is nothing to win!