HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1999 to 1 May 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 415 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Joke Game
  2. How to clean your mouse
  3. To My Dear Boyfriend
  4. Top5 - 4/30/99 - Pregnancy Worries of Xena
  5. Top 13
  6. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off...!!!>
  7. Random Thoughts on Kosovo/NATO/Yugoslavia...
  8. Shorty-Shorts (adult)
  9. What A Divorce!
 10. The Decision (Pun)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 03:30:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Joke Game

* Like a lot of contributors, I receive comments on my jokes.
  I divide mine into two files: "Pro" and "Con".  Some remarks
  can't be categorized however.  One lady wrote: "I pray for
  you each night JimJr."
                           - - - - -

* It's been an interesting three years doing jokes on the Net,
  and I've learned quite a few things.  For example, contrary
  to popular belief, the women involved in the joke circuit
  never lose their temper -- they always have it handy.
                           - - - - -

* And speaking of learning about women (I was), if any of you
  men have ever wondered why exactly women are often called
  the "opposite sex" all you have to do is couch an opinion
  within any joke and you'll find out.
                           - - - - -

*   Early on, because of my sexist jokes, I became embroiled
  in quite a heated e-mail exchange with a group of feminist
  zealots who called themselves "The Wombats".
    One member of the group, closed her daily "flame" with:
  "Sir, I'd like to leave you with a thought... but then...
  where would you put it ?"
                           - - - - -

*   Recently, several other contributors and I from the UGA
  Humor List were asked to help a fellow launch a new e-mail
  joke list. In his first mailing, after the intro, he wrote,
  "And now without any further ado, here's JimJr."
    Naturally, I wrote him saying I resented the remark --
  I need all the "ado" I can get.

                            --30--

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996 - 4/30/1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 04:59:27 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: How to clean your mouse

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement.  Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse.  Domestic balls will be
larger and harder than foreign balls.  Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.  Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.  Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result
in sudden discharge.
               - - - - - - - - - -

This memo is from an unnamed computer company.  It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.  The author
of this memo was quite serious.  The engineers were ROFL.


http://www.newbie.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 06:16:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: To My Dear Boyfriend

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did

 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was
because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying
to breathe.

          --thanks to John Davis


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 06:40:22 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/30/99 - Pregnancy Worries of Xena


       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         April 30, 1999

   Actress Lucy Lawless, star of TV's "Xena: Warrior Princess,"
          is pregnant and expecting a baby in October.

     The Top 13 Pregnancy Worries of Xena, Warrior Princess

13> Won't be able to see close-approaching short bandits.

12> Studio may not grant her use of the trademarked "Xena Yell"
    during childbirth.

11> Pre-Mycenaean Thrace still won't recognize adoption by
    same-sex couples.

10> Choosing the nursery's theme:  Animal hides or the scalps
    of conquered enemies?

 9> The child might come out too much "Princess" and not
    enough "Warrior."

 8> HMO plan only covers 50% of "squatting in forest with
    midwife" fees.

 7> Ol' Zeus might be a little jealous of Junior playing on Mt.
    Olympus, if you know what I mean.

 6> Only defense against pre-dawn attacks?  Projectile vomit!

 5> Keeps forgetting whether horseback child seats face forwards
    or backwards.

 4> Will they have attractive Warrior Princess maternity clothes
    at PregnantAmazon.Com?

 3> Who delivers Ram's Head Pudding at 3am?

 2> The 12-month waiting list at Mt. Olympus Day Care.

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pregnancy Worry
            of Xena, Warrior Princess...

 1> Great!  Yet another whiny deadweight to protect from
    constant danger!


   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@topfive.com   http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 07:49:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 13

     The Top 13 Rejected Advertising Slogans For Motel 6

13. Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

12. With Monica as the spokeswoman: "Because some stains you want
    to keep"

11. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the
    Sheets

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

 9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer but then you wouldn't have
    money left over for a hooker.

 8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

 7. Hey, we're not the Ritz but just try bringing your secretary
    there on *your* salary, pal!

 6. As seen on "COPS"

 5. Not just for nooners anymore.

 4. We left off the 9 but you know it's there.

 3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art
    since 1962!

 2. Clinton comes here... Why shouldn't you.

 1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 08:31:01 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off...!!!>

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
          -------------------------------

"Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea
 pig?"

"Aw, here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish
 girl."
          -------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross an octupus and a Mexican?
A: I don't know...but it sure as hell can pick lettuce!
          -------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A: The Price Is Too Much.
          -------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the Polish gay guy?
A: He sleeps with women.
          -------------------------------

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee
asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
          -------------------------------

Q: Have you heard about the new lottery game in India?
A: You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches
   the dot on your face, you win a 7-11!! (Quickee-Mart)
          -------------------------------

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 10:50:07 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Random Thoughts on Kosovo/NATO/Yugoslavia...

I had this button I wore  back in the 60s:
Why do we kill people who kill people to show people
that killing people is wrong?
          -------------------------------

Maybe we should just start grabbing up Serbian "ethnic cleansers"
and force them to attend US high schools?

Yeah, I know, that would violate the Geneva Convention...
          -------------------------------

Now, I didn't think of this, but I've been struck by it ever since
a friend mentioned it.

Why is Clinton so gung ho on bombing Yugoslavia?  I mean, Judge
Starr is busy working up his memoirs, the Impeachment trial is
over, it's actually costing the President points in his job rating
(60% approval during the Senate trial down to 50% now)?

Could it be that none of our fancy "weapons of mass destruction"
--our cruise missiles and smart bombs-- is Y2K Compatible?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 10:39:45 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Shorty-Shorts (adult)

What is the defination of promiscuous?

Zero to sixty-nine under fifteen seconds.
          -------------------------------

How can you spot Bulimia Barbie?

You can't; she looks just like a regular Barbie.
          -------------------------------

How do the Feds classify legal Mexican immigrants?

As Canadians.
          -------------------------------

Hear about the woman who got pregnant doing the Lambada?

That rhythm method just doesn't work.
          -------------------------------

Did you hear about the new pen the Pentagon just perfected for
the Middle Eastern campaigns?

It writes under sand.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 14:45:31 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: What A Divorce!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is
yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than
I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want
a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

          --thanks to Dennis Elbe

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 18:28:17 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Decision (Pun)

There was once a marauding giant hedgehog named Norman. Not many
people were aware that he didn't work alone; much of the time he
was accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't realize it
myself, until I spent a vacation in the Islands. Unfortunately, I
happened to pick a time when both of them were terrorizing the
countryside.

One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and
maybe ride the waves, when I noticed a palm tree at the shore which
had been almost completely devoured, as if by some giant creature.
I asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by the Norman
the hedgehog or by Celeste the shark, and he asked me why I cared.

My response was, ... "If Norman ate it, I will not run, if Celeste
did, I will not surf."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1999 to 1 May 1999
************************************************

