HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1999 to 30 Apr 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 525 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Moores
  2. Silent, but deadly
  3. Mixup
  4. Trust (adult theme)
  5. Netscape Wrangler Song
  6. Single Woman's Prayer
  7. Why It's Great To Be A Guy... <adult>
  8. Mildly interesting lessons about contemporary life
  9. Anti-Yugo (Adult)
 10. Medicine and Bureaucracy mix like Oil and Water!
 11. Things Mom would never say
 12. Early Movies (Pun)
 13. Why MUST we... <clean, no speculation>

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 03:29:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Moores

* I'm not saying Mrs JimJr is a bad driver, but whenever she tells
  me that she "ran into... (this person or that one)" at the Mall,
  I always wait apprehensibly for her to finish her story to see
  if she meant figuratively speaking or literally.
                           - - - - -

*   With the warmer weather in Maryland, semi-professional girl
  watchers like me can finally enjoy enhanced views of the female
  form after a winter of coats, sweaters, scarves, etc.
    Skimpy outfits are a special treat for men of my generation;
  especially since Mrs JimJr wears more than that to bed.
                           - - - - -

*   All Parents/GrandParents have special memories of "one-liners"
  unintentionally spoken by their little ones.
    One of my favorites was the time my one GrandSon, JimJr JrJr,
  took an interest in the moon when he was about 2-3 years of age.
    Following several nights of a full winter moon, he looked to
  the sky and saw only a sliver. He then said to my son (JimJr Jr),
  "Daddy !  The Moon's broken !!!"
                           - - - - -

*   During a get-together at my son's house, he had prepared quite
  a feast.  In spite of the extra pounds I'd gained this winter, I
  forged ahead and loaded my plate.
    "Dad !" he said, eyeing my repast, "I thought you were on a
  diet."
    "I am Jim !" I replied, "But I need all of this to give me the
  strength to go on."
                           - - - - -

*   Being an avid lawn nut, I refuse to permit weeds in my lawn
  of Kentucky BlueGrass and use herbicides each week.
    A party guest was walking the western property line with my
  daughter Sandy.  Seeing a sea of clover on my neighbor's lawn,
  she noticed it came-up to my lawn and stopped.  She asked my
  daughter why the clover didn't cross-over onto my lawn.
    My daughter furrowed her brow, looked at the guest evenly
  and replied, "It wouldn't dare !"

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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996 - 4/30/1999:
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 04:11:09 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Silent, but deadly

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They
never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been
here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they
don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me
next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."


http://www.newbie.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 10:17:16 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap"
         <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: Mixup

A Scotsman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity ward.  The
Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining
that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons.  However he
says, there has been a problem. "We were really busy, and somehow
we have managed to get your three sons mixed up"

In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw
lots to see who gets first choice.  The result is that the Scotsman
gets first choice.

The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies: "I'll take
that one" he says pointing to the little brown child.

"Hold on" says the Doctor "that 's obviously not your son, he's as
brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white"

"I know" replies the Scotsman "but one of the other two is English,
and I am just not prepared to take the risk"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 00:33:44 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Trust (adult theme)

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his
house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and
suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a
fury. "That witch!" he exclaims.  "She took it with her! I always
knew she didn't trust me!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 06:27:48 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Netscape Wrangler Song

     (Sung to the tune of Rawhide !)

Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of foreboding, Reload!

The Applet says it's running,
And that big gray block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!
Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload!

Tighten, tweaking', smoothen,
They say the codes improvin',
So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?

I'm tired of all this waitin',
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,

The applet says it's running,
And gray block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

(Midi solo)
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload! Reload!

          --(Author Unknown)


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 08:08:53 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Single Woman's Prayer

Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 08:11:32 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Why It's Great To Be A Guy... <adult>

          Why It's Great To Be A Guy...

-- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
-- Your orgasms are real.  Always.
-- Your last name stays put.
-- The garage is all yours.
-- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
-- Chocolate is just another snack.
-- You can be president.
-- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
-- Foreplay is optional.
-- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
-- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
-- The world is your urinal.
-- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
-- You never have to drive to another gas station
     because this one's just too icky.
-- Same work... more pay.
-- Wrinkles add character.
-- You don't have to leave the room to
     make emergency crotch adjustments.
-- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
-- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
-- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
-- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
-- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
-- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with
     them.
-- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
     "So, notice anything different?"
-- One mood, all the time.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 10:36:00 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mildly interesting lessons about contemporary life

Never try to hold a cat and use a Dust Buster at the same time.

Attention drivers who smoke: The strange thing in your car with the
change in it is called an ash tray and that's where you should park
your butts, not out the window.

For those of you who must smoke while your pumping gas, please do
the gene pool a favor and dowse yourself with gas first.

I accept that people are going to pitch cigarette butts out the
window, but would you mind checking to make sure there's not a
motorcyclist behind you?

Save the trees; chop down a few developers.

We used to lay down outside at night and count the stars. Now I
count the airplanes.

The lumber in these new houses these days is so cheap that even the
termites won't eat it.

To all you folks who don't like the History Channel: I think if you
tune to TNT, there is a wrestling match on for you.

To the two Littleton, Colorado shooters: How much do you like
Hitler now that you have met him in person?

Al Gore told the people of Littleton that we must teach our
children that adhering to basic values transcends a moment of cheap
satisfaction. Has he told Bill this yet?

Will somebody tell Dan Quayle to forget about being president and
go get a job?

You know you are having a bad day when you don't even want to be
with yourself.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 17:35:12 +0100
From:    Richard Russell <rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Anti-Yugo (Adult)

Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 12:58:56 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Medicine and Bureaucracy mix like Oil and Water!

I went to see my Internist last week.  He's been watching my sugar
and my blood lipids for some time.  He just recently put me on some
new high powered stuff to deal with my cholesterol and my
triglcerides.  Well, when he checked my latest blood work it showed
that I had fats up the wazoo and comin' out my ears.

He frowned at the reports and said, "It's time to punt.  I'm gonna
send you to an Endrocrinologist.  My office will call to tell you
when the appointment will be."

That was several days ago, so I called my Doc's office to see what
was up.  The phone answerer said I'd have to talk to my Doc's nurse
because she was the one who would make such referral appointments.

When His Nurse, Sue, got on the line she said that she hadn't
received any order on a referral for me.  But, she took my mere
word for fact and said that she would write up the referral.

Then she said, "Now, either I can call the Endocrinologist's office
with the referral and set up an appointment or you can make the
appointment yourself.  It doesn't matter, either way."

"Well then," I replied, "Go ahead and make the appointment so
they'll know it's connected with a referral."

And she said, "If I make the appointment I'll just ask for the next
available opening and that may conflict with your schedule.  But,
either I can call the Endocrinologist's office with the referral
and set up an appointment or you can make the appointment yourself.
It doesn't matter, either way."

"You do have a point there about me making the appointment myself,"
I said, "After all, I know my schedule and can better fit it in."

And she said, "If I make the appointment I'll just ask for the next
available opening and that may conflict with your schedule.  But,
either I can call the Endocrinologist's office with the referral
and set up an appointment or you can make the appointment yourself.
It doesn't matter, either way."

Suddenly the "Husband Light" went on in my head!  It didn't matter
to Sue "either way,"  but she damn well wanted me to call and make
my appointment myself even though it didn't matter "either way." 
Any well trained husband coulda seen that!  So, I told Sue that I
would call and set up the appointment.

She replied, "Either I can call the Endocrinologist's office with
the referral and set up an appointment or you can make the
appointment yourself. It doesn't matter, either way."

"I'll call!" I said, "As God is my witness, I'll call and make the
appointment, just, please, stop telling me that it doesn't matter,
either way.  And please let the Endo's office know I'll be
calling."

She replied, "Either I can call the Endocrinologist's office with
the referral and set up an appointment or you can make the
appointment yourself. It doesn't matter, either way."

I _almost_ said, "Yes Dear," but stopped myself in time.  I could
see the sexual harassment suit coming outta such a blunder a mile
away.

Fool that I am, I called the Endocrinologist's office to set up the
appointment.  I told that nurse/receptionist/para-legal that I
wanted to make a referral appointment.  She put me on hold for
several minutes of fine elevator music.  When she finally got back
on the line I was told "Office Policy" dictated that they could not
make an appointment for me until they had received an official
referral from my Primary Care Physician and that I should have his
office call to make the appointment.

Where is Joseph Heller (as in Catch 22) when you need him?
Here I sit with fats rolling out my ears...

It's true!  It's all true!  Honest.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 17:43:38 -0400
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Things Mom would never say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more
 cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
 walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
 running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to
 improve."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 18:56:48 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Early Movies (Pun)

In slapstick films the timing of a sonic "stunt" is of utmost
importance; say, a "bonk" sound when a "bad guy" gets hit on the
head. But in the earliest days of film making, sounds didn't always
correspond to the visual action, thus ruining the stunt.

One famous instance concerns the first movie made of a gang of
small children, the plot involving the madcap driving of a wooden
go-cart. After numerous misadventures, the final scene was to have
the kids harmlessly falling out onto a grassy lawn, to be
accompanied by the perfectly timed sounds of various "bonks" and
"thunks".

The soundman and film editor struggled for days trying to get the
sounds and visuals to correspond, with constant attention from the
increasingly impatient director and producers. As we all know, the
problem was eventually solved, and thousands of movies have been
made using those pioneered techniques. But looking back and
expressing his worry of the time, the retired soundman recently
said... "For a while I thought the tyke antics would never sync".

          --by John M. Hutchings

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 30 Apr 1999 09:40:24 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Why MUST we... <clean, no speculation>

Q. Why must we put on our pants one leg at a time?

A. If we jumped into our pants, simultaneously placing both legs in
at one time, we would land heavily on the ground. As a majority of
us are getting dressed at the same time of the morning, the
cumulative effect would cause an earth tremor.

Due to the use of time zones, the tremor established in Eastern
Time would arrive in the central zone at precisely the moment all
those people were jumping into their pants. The tremor would
increase in size exponentially, and proceed west to combine with
the mountain zone folks as they get dressed.

As this cycle encircles the globe, it would feed upon the next
day's tremor and eventually cause the earth's crust to break apart
and float into space.

This is why we put our pants on one leg at a time.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1999 to 30 Apr 1999
************************************************

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