HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1999 to 29 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 475 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Columbia Maryland - a final shot
  2. Quiet Ride
  3. Women In The Powder Room
  4. Dear Wife... Dear Husband  <Adult humour>
  5. Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to rednecks>
  6. Love the clarinet? <Adult!>
  7. Carny (adult)
  8. Geometry (Pun)
  9. A Fantastic Opportunity Awaits You! <clean>
 10. Moving In

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 03:58:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland - a final shot

* September 8th is a holiday in Columbia Maryland -- that's the
  day the new BMW's come out.
                           - - - - -

* It's easy to spot the new residents of Columbia Maryland. They
  arrive at all of the support group meetings on time.
                           - - - - -

* Don't tell me that Columbia parents are lax.  I understand most
  parents require their kids to make reservations each week for
  meals and accommodations.
                           - - - - -

* One Yuppette ran out of men to marry in Columbia.  Not wishing
  to wed beneath her "class" -- she began wedding those to whom
  she'd been married to before.
                           - - - - -

* Far be it from me to accuse everyone in Columbia of being a
  "Big Baby".  I can't help but wonder though why all of the ice
  cream parlors there have "Thumb" as the flavor of month in May.
                           - - - - -

* Pity the poor Yuppette who was snubbed by the "in-crowd" of
  Columbia following the house-warming party she hosted.  The
  other Yuppettes discovered her kitchen only had four rooms.
                           - - - - -

* Various and sundry reasons have always been given for poverty:
  bad luck, bad breaks, always being in the wrong place at the
  wrong time, etc.  In Columbia Maryland, poverty is a felony.
                           - - - - -

* Labor Day in the US, besides being the traditional end of the
  summer season, is really a day to honor the working man. The
  holiday is not celebrated in Columbia however.  Following a
  survey, it was learned that no one knew what "labor" was.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996 - 4/30/1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 06:14:46 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Quiet Ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by
the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a
deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a
sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have
to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they
landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you
for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 07:01:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Women In The Powder Room

                Types of Women in the Powder Room

Indifferent - Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop", pulls crotch
              of panties aside and squats with great force,
              rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and
              down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of
              water being poured from a third story window.

Cautious - Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet
           seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees
           on her nylons.

Worried -  A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days
           overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it
           hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing
           deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash
           hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the
            other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips.
            Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely
            creature should not be compelled to attend to such
            lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker
            and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front
         of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her
         business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with
         back of skirt caught in pants.

Timid - Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can,
        turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats
        quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums,
        listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be
        heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all
             over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her
             visits to the can, and carries a box of Kleenex in her
             purse.

Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row,
            Row, Row Your Boat".

Literary - Always takes book of the month to the can with her.
           Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.

Big Time - Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags
           to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night.
           Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and
           "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to
           bed with a man. Lives in Massachusetts or New Jersey.

Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise
        dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for
        a while singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing
        uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her
        panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 07:38:27 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Dear Wife... Dear Husband  <Adult>

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
night that read as follows:

Dear Wife ...     (that's what he called her)

I am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows:

Dear Husband,     (that's what she called him)

I, too, am 54, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.


http://www.newbie.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 08:47:54 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Redneck Jokes <adult, off. to rednecks>

Best bar pick-up line in Arkansas:
           "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
               -------------------------

Ya Might Be a Redneck If....

... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree
      to relieve yourselves.
... You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside
      your pants.
... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly
      swatter.
... You've ever stolen toilet paper.
... Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
... There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room
      wall.
... You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you
      to check his oil.
... You think the Bud Bowl is real.
... You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box
      means how much the diaper will hold.
... You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high
      dive.
... You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
... Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
... You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they
      don't want it.
... Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
... Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
... You have a refrigerator just for beer.
... Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
... You come back from the dump with more than you took.
... The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling
      anything.
... You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than
      hem them.
... Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before
      telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
... You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard
      as a joke.
... You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
... Your Fourth of July cookout has been ruined because
      someone got drunk and burned the Spam.

          --thanx, PS

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 14:56:13 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Love the clarinet? <Adult!>

This story comes from Larry Long, 2nd bassoon of the Owensboro
Symphony, who swears it is true. He works as a woodwind repairman
at Music Central in Bowling Green, KY. Last week a woman called the
store asking for a repairman. The reconstructed conversation
follows:

Woman: I need a repairman to come out to the house immediately.

Larry: Well, Ma'am, we don't usually make house calls. Can't you
       bring the instrument to the shop?

Woman: No, you don't understand, this is an emergency. My son has
       his penis stuck in his clarinet.

Larry: Well, Ma'am, what do you expect me to do?

Woman: I want you to come get it off!

Larry: Ma'am I'm really sorry but I can't do that. You'll have to
       call 911 or take him to the emergency room.

Woman: No, you don't understand, I don't want the doctor to hurt
       the clarinet, because it's not paid for yet.

This is the end of the story as related, but Larry says several
questions come to mind:

1. Which end of the clarinet?
2. E-Flat?, B-flat, A, or bass?
3. What Is going to happen to this kid the next time he hears a
   Sausa march?


               Top Ten List-Things Heard at the Music Store
                          After That Phone Call...

10. Does your cork grease come in a larger tube!
 9. Yes, our emergency repair phone number l-800-db music.
 8. Will there be anything else?..Reeds, key oil, KY jelly?
 7. Do you have any LaVoz extra hard reeds 7
 6. But mom, all the guys in the low brass section said
    clarinetists were pussies!
 5. Really, I was just sitting there and this clarinet attacked
    me!
 4. Is that a clarinet in your pocket or are you just glad to
    see me?
 3. Are you the kid who got his dick stuck in his clarinet?
 2. No son, what I said was for you to practice your f**king
    clarinet!

    and the number 10 reason:

 1. Yeah, well I got mine stuck in a bassoon.

          --from Alan Mica

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 16:30:24 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Carny (adult)

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her
place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the
perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when
the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's
hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys
on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of
course fluffy toys all over the bed. They clear off the bed and go
at it.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how
was I?"

She says... "well... you can take anything from the bottom shelf!"


source: dasmith

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 16:59:03 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Geometry (Pun)

My geometry tutor told me "A six-sided polygon is called a
hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons."

"What about two sided ones?" I asked.

"They don't exist." was his response.

"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 29 Apr 1999 09:36:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: A Fantastic Opportunity Awaits You! <clean>

               Application Form To Be Filled To Contest
                    For The Post Of The Indian PM
           ------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate:  _______________________

2. Present Address
     (i) Name of the Jail: _______________________
    (ii) Cell Number:  _______________________
         (If not in Jail, attach proof of residence)

3. Political Party:  _______________________ (List ONLY the Last
   Five parties in the Chronological Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
         A - Male
         B - Female
         C - Jayalalitha
         D - Lalloo

5. Nationality: [ ] A - Italian     B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
         A - Defected
         B - Expelled
         C - Bought out
         D - None of above
         E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
         A - To make money
         B - To escape court trial
         C - To grossly misuse power
         D - To serve the public
         E - I have no clue
 (if you choose "D - attach Certificate of Sanity from a recognized
  Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
         A - 1-2 yrs
         B - 2-6 yrs
         C - 6-15 yrs
         D - 15+ yrs

9.  Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as
    many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail ? [ ]
    (Do not confuse with question 8)
         A - 1-2 years
         B - 2-6 years
         C - 6-15 years
         D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams ? [ ]
         A - Why not
         B - Of Course
         C - Definitely
         D - I deny it all
         E - See a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income ? [ ]
         A - 100-500 Crores
         B - 500-1000 Crores
         C - Overflow...
         (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

14. Do you have any developmental plans for the country
    in mind ? [ ]
         A - No
         B - No
         C - No
         D - No
         E - Not at all

15. Describe in the space provided, your achievements:
    _________________


                        Thumb Impresssion of candidate
                  (Not that of the person who filled the form)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 18:47:53 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Moving In

The second-floor space at First and Pike, across from the Pike
Place Market, is being renovated for a new tenant.  (The previous
tenant, Fantasy Limited, belonged to the subset that advertises
"100s of beautiful girls and 3 ugly ones.")

Displayed in the windows of the building are temporary signs for
the new occupants, the Garrigan Lyman Group, a marketing-
communications company.  One sign says:  "50 beautiful ideas and 3
ugly ones... Coming soon."

          --Jean Godden, April 19, 1999
            Copyright 1999 Seattle Times Company

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1999 to 29 Apr 1999
************************************************

