HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1999 to 28 Apr 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 655 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Modern Cyber-Citizen's Song
  2. Three from the Archives
  3. Top5 - 4/27/99 - Items on Wayne Gretzky's To-Do List
  4. Fact or Fiction?
  5. Stupidity, Take 17
  6. The Missus and I <adult>
  7. Laws of Circumstance (4 of 4)
  8. Lawyer joke
  9. Possibly Insincere comments & questions
     about contemporary life
 10. Engineering <Adult Innuendo>
 11. Market Research
 12. Ping Pong (pun)
 13. The Government Genie <clean>
 14. For Better or For Worse

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Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 02:31:32 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Modern Cyber-Citizen's Song

          The Modern Cyber-Citizen's Song
          by Marcus Bales

I am the very model of a modern cyber-netizen
All logic I dispense with, and all taste and manners jettison;
I'm found on TV, radio, and many other "medias"
But cyberspace is where I'm most particularly tedious.
I come in every stripe from the conservative to radical
And know it all except for how to spell or be grammatical.
I haven't got a clue about the use of logicality
And drivel on with made-up-factoid bargain-bin banality.
I flame opponents hairless from a dozen different pseudonyms,
Each one a ruder, lewder pun on Anglo-Saxon crudonyms,
And where I find civility and hot debate have been at ease
I break it up with spamming, flaming, scrolling and obscenities.
I'm ignorant in every field, poetic to statistical,
Which only makes my points of view more thoroughly sophistical;
My attitude's aggressive and my tone is sanctimonious,
My facts are bad, conclusions wrong, and arguments erroneous;
My posts are pure unparagraphed expressions of my vanity,
Impossible to parse except perhaps for the profanity.
I'm known for disputatiousness and other sorts of knavery
>From purposeful mendacity to things yet more unsavory.
The places civil reason is accounted most iniquitous
Are places where you'll find me inescapably ubiquitous.
In short, all logic I reject, all taste and manners jettison
Because I am the model of a modern cyber-netizen!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 04:35:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Three from the Archives

There's a rich resource available in the HumorList Archives.
The 1996-1998 Digests & the 1999 Digests thru April 30 will
remain available in either text or zip formats.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Fri, 14 Jul 1995 13:40:00 -0400
        From:    David Wall <darkon@IAC.NET>
        Subject: Sex and Christianity <off. to Christians>

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that
is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


        Date:    Mon, 17 Jul 1995 13:29:04 EDT
        From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
        Subject: Masters Degree

I'm a graduate of Sam Houston Institute of Technology.

You ought to see me wearing my monogrammed school sweater.

                --Lyle's Joke Boutique
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


        Date:    Mon, 17 Jul 1995 22:39:36 -0400
        From:    Ken Larson <KLarson628@AOL.COM>
        Subject: Political humor

Question: What do you have when you bring together Bill Clinton,
          Dan Quayle and Dolly Parton?

Answer: Two boobs and a country western singer.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996 - 4/30/1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:09:17 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/27/99 - Items on Wayne Gretzky's To-Do List

       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                         April 27, 1999

         The Top 14 Items on Wayne Gretzky's To-Do List


14> 1. Play minor league baseball;
    2. Stage triumphant comeback.

13> Direct!

12> Paint a hockey net around the garage door and award
    himself a point every time he parks the car.

11> Rent Ice Castles and have a good cry-fest.

10> Find somebody, finally, who knows how to untie these
    damn skates!!!

 9> Pitch his sitcom about a wacky ex-hockey player who
    says words like "house" and "about" all funny-like.

 8> Go slapshot some sense into that Slobodan guy.

 7> Go to Chucky Cheese and whip some major air hockey ass.

 6> Paint a blue line down the middle of the mattress,
    then go for a hat trick.

 5> Star in "Space Puck" movie with cartoon friends.

 4> Call Gordie Howe at 2 a.m. and yell "In your face,
    old man!"  Repeat each night for six years.

 3> Continue working on Janet Jones scoring title.

 2> Camp out for "Star Wars" tickets.

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Item on
     Wayne Gretzky's To-Do List...
     

 1> "He naps, he snores!"


   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@topfive.com   http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:14:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fact or Fiction?

The following is a (supposedly) true story, as seen by millions of
viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel:

The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name
forward for a surprise game show. She idolized teen-age pop star
Ricky Martin, & they arranged for TV cameras to be placed through-
out the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin
hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom - all set to give the
daughter a wonderful surprise.

However, upon returning home from school and finding the house
empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she
opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the
live TV audience is wondering, "What the hell is going on?"

She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of
womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the
wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on
the bed with pate all over her crotch).

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter
then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and
settles down to his favorite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At
this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very
embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!!
Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 07:01:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Stupidity, Take 17

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through  stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
     Do not use while sleeping.
     (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
     You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
     (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
     Directions: Use like regular soap.
     (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
     Serving suggestion: Defrost.
     (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
     Fits one head.
     (The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
     Do not turn upside down.
     (Too late! You lose!)
     (I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
     Product will be hot after heating.
     (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
     Do not iron clothes on body.
     (But wouldn't that save more time?)
     (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
     Do not drive car or operate machinery.
     (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
      accidents if we just kept those 5 year old off those
      fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
     Warning: may cause drowsiness.
     (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
     Warning keep out of children.
     (Or pets!  What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
     For indoor or outdoor use only.
     (As opposed to use in outer space.)
     (Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
     Not to be used for the other use.
     (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
     Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
     Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
     (Thanks, cuz I was thinking it was my complimentary pillow)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
     Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
     (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs superman costume:
     Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
     (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:09:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: The Missus and I <adult>

MrsPBen and I were on our honeymoon and getting undressed together
for the first time. I took off my shoes and socks, and she noticed
my toes are all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to your feet?" MrsPBen asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Then I removed my pants,
revealing an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When I removed my shorts, MrsPBen gasped and said, "OH NO!!!  Don't
tell me, you also had smallcox?!"
               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Following an especially angry argument, MrsPBen and I went to bed
not speaking to each other. Knowing that MrsPBen is an early riser,
and needing to be up early to make it to an appointment, I left a
note on her bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

Exasperated, I awoke at 8:30 the following morning and rolled
stiffly out of bed to see a note on my bedside table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In High School, my (now) wife and I were in the Drama Club, and
auditioning for the lead parts in the school play. She won the part
of Juliet, but I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunder-
standing over a stage direction.

In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliet from the rear."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 10:05:33 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Laws of Circumstance (4 of 4)

61. Your child won't play with all the expensive toys you bought
    him, but will play with pans, boxes, etc.
62. If you develop your own film, the roll you spoil will be one
    that had a special picture on it.
63. You will get sunburned the first time you sunbathe.
64. Get on an elevator without looking at which way it is going and
    it will be going the wrong way.
65. TV showings of movies released in theaters will have the best
    parts cut out.
66. You will be able to find everything but what you really need
    immediately after moving.
67. Unless you design your own, you will not be able to find a
    house that has everything you want.
68. College and high school reunions will very rarely have anyone
    there you know.
69. When you move, something will be lost and not found until
    months later.
70. On any fairly long trip you will come to at least one highway
    detour.
71. Babies won't be born at convenient times.
72. You will always get behind someone in a line who has a lot of
    business to transact.
73. You will never be able to find another house or apartment which
    will cost the same as or less than the one you are renting or
    own.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 17:56:44 -0400
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Lawyer joke

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married
12 times.  On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal
suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please,
promise to be gentle.  I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that
at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to
be.

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite
sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send
me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the
old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew
he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be
able to deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer.  He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration.  He knew
how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told
me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear
on how to do it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager.  Even though he had the
product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was
talk about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to
do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
to do was... God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  I just know I'm
going to get screwed this time!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 19:17:46 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Possibly Insincere comments & questions
         about contemporary life

Developer alert! Developer alert! Something green and growing has
been seen in Cobb County. Pave over quick!

Wrestling: Soap Opera for Men.

Driving while talking on the phone worries me, but I don't know
what to think about the teenager in my neighborhood who talks on a
cell phone while skateboarding!

I just heard that having sex twice a week will help prevent the
common cold. Can you please come up with an motivator for the
summer months?

That new Shania Twain song "That Don't Impress Me Much," don't
impress me much.

Traffic jams are like flowers: Just add water to make them grow!

Golf isn't a sport. It is a disease.

I've lived all over this country and in other parts of the world,
and nowhere but here in the South do people feel the need to call
me a Yankee. This Southern hospitality thing is a joke.

I guess my appetite is bigger than most. I drink my Slim-Fast with
dinner.

How many roads does a men need to travel down before he admits he's
lost? I'm not lost. I'm exploring.

Why do we close our eyes when we kiss?

Generally, I find the commercials are wittier than the shows they
sponsor.

I wish my neighbor would take down his Christmas decorations.

Why didn't the Dow split two for one when it hit 10,000?


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 20:14:46 -0400
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Engineering <Adult Innuendo>

               Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant
and get some work done."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    Take Five

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as
it needs to be.


          --from Roland Rancourt

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 20:52:08 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Market Research

A researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a
young woman with three small children running around her.  He asked
her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed,
he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds.  When
she said she didn't, he mentioned that among their many products
was Vaseline, and she certainly must know of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was, "Yes."  Asked how she
used it, she said, "To assist during sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed.  He said, "I always ask that question
because everyone uses our product, and they always say they use it
for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that
most of them use it for sex.  Since you've been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 19:08:01 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Ping Pong (pun)

For the grand opening of a super-deluxe Deli in Las Vegas, the
proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news about! He even
hired two ping-pong players to play on a table in front of the new
deli. Since it was a deli, the players used pickles instead of
balls, and the crowd cheered wildly as the pickles splatted back
and forth across the net. They called it, of course... "The Volley
of the Dills."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Apr 1999 09:31:35 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Government Genie <clean>

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through
the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look
nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three
wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"  He gets his beer
and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I
wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully.  He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd
never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

[An axiom to the joke above: If you're forwarding this to a couple
 of hundred people, you _must_ be in the government]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Apr 1999 21:24:47 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: For Better or For Worse

Duane: "Yeah, it was a weird summer.  I saw Candace a lot -- she
got a tattoo on her head... a crown of thorns!  Now she's lettin'
her grow back.  Her mom's new boyfriend is a freak, so she's moved
in with her dad again -- an' my mom kicked me outta the house for
gettin' a nipple ring -- so I'm livin' in our garage.  We can't
wait to go to university next year an' get away from here!"

Liz: "What do you guys want to be, Duane?"

Duane: "Psychologists."

          --Lynn Johnston in Reader's Digest

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1999 to 28 Apr 1999
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