HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1999 to 27 Apr 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 428 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Spoken Word
  2. Sexual Tension Quiz
  3. The Penis Poem (adult)
  4. The Ladies' Room
  5. Cooking Tips
  6. Church Bells (adult)
  7. Sex Life (adult)
  8. Laws of Circumstance (3 of 4)
  9. Tangled Web
 10. Friar Tuck (Pun)

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 03:45:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Spoken Word

*   The executive entrusted travel arrangements to his private
  secretary for his trip to Paris.  She selected a fine hotel
  and told the manager to be sure the room was prepared with
  special accommodations: food, bar, flowers, etc. etc. etc.
    Upon arrival, the exec was ushered to his room. In a suite
  adjoining, with the doors open, sat 3 lovely young ladies.
  The exec asked who the ladies were.
    The manager bowed slightly and said, "They are the three
  et ceteras requested by your secretary, Monsieur."
                           - - - - -

*   We have a neighbor, who while not exactly a "gossip", just
  has to know everything that's going on.  Once this lady asked
  another neighbor what my plans were for a garden I was working
  on at the entrance from the county road to our neighborhood.
    Babette looked all around, as if to insure no one else was
  able to overhear and asked, "Can you keep a secret ?"
    The lady assured Babette that indeed she could.  Babette
  replied, "Well... so can I."
                           - - - - -

*   Bomb threats are taken quite seriously in the US.  One man,
  upset at the abortion issue, telephoned a friend and tried to
  enlist his aid in a planned explosion at a local clinic.
    The friend, aghast, said, "Are you nuts ?  Don't you know
  your phone could be tapped ?"  The man told his friend that
  they'd never bother with someone like him.
    Shortly, the man was arrested by the FBI and promptly given
  a jail term.  His lawyer pleaded for a sentence reduction and
  when called before the Judge, was asked if he realized how
  wrong his plans were.
    "Indeed I do, your honor." the prisoner replied. "I guess I
  was important enuff after all to have my phone tapped."

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 06:31:38 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Sexual Tension Quiz

Instructions For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to
determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For
every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every
incorrect answer deduct 2 points.  If you score less than 14
points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points
and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21
points, you are classified as having a great sex experience. Now
please begin.

CLUES

 1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well,
    I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
 2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People
    sometimes lick my nuts.
 3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me... I'm
    called a big swinger.
 4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A
    big hard thing ripped me open.
 5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
    get wet before you do.
 6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not
    to swallow. I can fill your hole.
 7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
    best man always has me first.
 8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
    Both men and women go down on me.
 9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When
    I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your
    fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and
    plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little
    pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.


                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                  The Answers to Sexual Tension Quiz


1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird

          --thanks to Mary Campbell


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 07:23:11 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Penis Poem (adult)

 My nookie days are over
 My pilot light is out
 What used to be my sex appeal
 Is now my water spout.

 Time was when, on its own accord
 From my trousers it would spring
 But now I've got a full-time job
 To find the blasted thing.

 It used to be embarrassing
 The way it would behave
 For every single morning
 It would stand and watch me shave.

 Now as old age approaches
 It sure gives me the blues
 To see it hang its little head
 And watch me tie my shoes.

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 06:24:34 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: The Ladies' Room

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress
his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in
the ladies room!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 09:25:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Cooking Tips

               How To Cook A Good Husband

A good many husbands are spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and so
are not tender and good.  Some women keep them too constantly in
hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and
indifference; others constantly keep them in a pickle.  Some put
them in a stew by irritating ways and words.  It cannot be supposed
that any husband will be tender and good managed this way, but they
are truly delicious if properly treated and he will keep you as
long as you want to have him.

In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery
appearance, as in buying mackerel, nor by the golden tint, as if
you wanted salmon.  Be sure and select him yourself as tastes
differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always
brought to your door.  It is far better to have none unless you
know how to cook him.

A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have
nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do with care. See that
the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with
the required number of strings nicely sewed on.  Tie him in the
kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty
is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be
burned and crusty on the edges, since, like crabs and lobsters, you
have to cook them alive.  Make a clear steady fire out of love,
cleanliness and cheerfulness.  Set him as near this as seems to
agree with him.

If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do
this till they are quite done.  Add a little sugar in the form of
what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper in any
amount; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with
judgment.  Do not stick any sharp instrument into him to see if he
is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie
flat and too close to the kettle, and so become useless.  You
cannot fail to know when he is done.  If thus treated you will find
him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and
he will stay with you as long as you want, unless you become
careless and set him in too cold a place.


Originally published in the Bermuda Royal Gazette in 1916

          --via J. Wilson and The Chef at wwrecipes.com

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 14:41:46 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Church Bells (adult)

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at
Clemson.


This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.  After the wedding
at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to
talk to the crowd.  He said that he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for
coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a
fabulous reception.  To thank everyone for coming and bringing
gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift from just him.  So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was
a manila envelope including the wedding party.  He said that was
his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was a 8x10 picture of his best man
having sex with the bride.  (He had gotten suspicious of the two
of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to
the wedding.)

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you,"
he turned to the bride and said "Fuck you," and then he turned to
the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here."  He had the
marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately
after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it
anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
   wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations
   in front of all of their friends, their entire families i.e.
   their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and
   nephews, etc.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 14:01:46 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Sex Life (adult)

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex
life, He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and
had wet dreams all the time.

The Doctor asked Which he liked the best.

He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in
them."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 15:03:27 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Laws of Circumstance (3 of 4)

41. If both you and your spouse work, you won't be able to get your
    vacations at the same time.

42. You won't be able to bowl in a league nearly as well as when
    you bowl alone.
43. A beginner in a sport will always do as well as or better the
    first time than the person teaching him.
44. Only your good golf balls will go into the lake.
45. The guy next to you will catch fish, but you won't, even if you
    both have the same equipment and bait.
46. That deer you shot at will keep running, even if, by your
    reckoning, he should be dead.
47. The unbreakable toy you bought your child will be broken within
    a week.
48. A party that seems very unorganized to you will seem very
    organized to others.
49. That private fishing spot you knew about last year will have
    been discovered by everyone this year.
50. You will get lost at least once on a trip.
51. Ants will always find you on a picnic.
52. You won't be able to get a picnic fire or grill started good on
    the first try.
53. The only movies in town when you want to send the kids to a
    movie are rated PG13, R or X.
54. Something interesting will happen there either before or after
    you've been somewhere.
55. A jar always opens easier for someone else, even if they're
    weaker than you.
56. A recipe you've gotten from a friend won't taste the same when
    you make it.
57. The guy who write the synopsis on a book jacket hasn't read the
    book.
58. Instruction manuals are not written to be understood by the
    average person.
59. Look up a word you don't know in a dictionary and they will
    explain it with another word you don't know.
60. You will not get what you really need for a gift.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 20:05:31 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tangled Web

The scene was a conference room at a Pioneer Square high-tech
company. The phone rings unexpectedly.  A voice asks:  "Is Web
there?"

Web?  What group does Web work with?

"Customer service."

What's Web's last name?

A pause.  Then comes the response:  "Master, Web Master.  I got the
name from your contact page."


          --Jean Godden, Seattle Times, April 23, 1999
            Copyright 1999 Seattle Times Company

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 1999 22:16:17 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Friar Tuck (Pun)

When Friar Tuck was a part of Robin Hood's band in Sherwood Forest,
he owned a small donkey which he used on occasion to transport his
well fed frame. Being that he was more interested in feeding that
frame, he neglected his donkey to the point where it became
infested with lice and other vermin. This was a source of
annoyance, not only to the merry men, but to neighboring peasant
farmers, since the donkey would wander among their livestock.

One day a peasant came to Robin carrying a sheep and complained
about the Friar's donkey. When Robin asked him what was wrong with
the sheep, he replied, "The lice of Tuck's ass are upon ewe."

          --by Gatotomaso

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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1999 to 27 Apr 1999
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