HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1999 to 26 Apr 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 300 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Anudder Question put to Rest
  2. Church bulletin bloopers
  3. Who Is Mightiest?
  4. Wanted For Murder???
  5. Signs
  6. Misanthropic comments & questions about contemporary life
  7. Sinatra (Pun)
  8. Off the Wire

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 01:52:31 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Anudder Question put to Rest

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child
brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 05:06:25 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Church bulletin bloopers

 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
    recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
    on people who are not afflicted with any church.

 3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
    All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
    the B.S. is done.

 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

 5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
    congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
    pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
    recession.

 7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 
    8:30p.m.  Please use the back door.

 8) Ushers will eat late-comers.

 9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
    musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
    a nursery downstairs.

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 08:19:45 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Who Is Mightiest?

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered
a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle
animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of
all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who
is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his
trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the
lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The
elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn
tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly, "Geez, just
because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 09:35:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Wanted For Murder???

        WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a
while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked
her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the
back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 12:20:35 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Signs

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:

    "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign
and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign which read:

    "THOAP!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 21:32:35 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Misanthropic comments & questions about contemporary life

My Sunday school teacher received an obscene telephone call. She
started reciting the Lord's Prayer. He stopped talking, listened,
thanked her and hung up the phone.

After watching some of the players in the NBA, I realize that pro
basketball doesn't build character, it builds "characters."

I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys
finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.

Forget Kosovo. We need those soliders in our schools.

Why is the media asking the president what the government is going
to do to stop the school shootings? Why are parents providing their
kids with weapons, then sending them to movies to learn how to use
them?

How can we expect to stop the slaughter in another country when we
can't even stop the slaughter in our own school system?

We had "crazy" kids in my high school 25 years ago. I'm just glad
they didn't have access to the weapons we make so easily available
today.

After all the news coverage of the Littleton, Colorado, incident, I
am glad to get back to the sanity of the Jerry Springer show.

My 16-year-old daughter just said, "Mom, you're the bomb." That
made me feel so special.

Your daughter may have called you "the bomb," buit I prefer my
17-year-old son's comment that I was "straight pimping."

Seen on a south Georgia gas station sign: "Jesus is Lord over all
boiled peanuts.

My friend told me he ewars his baseball cap backwards in order to
keep the sun out of his eyes.

What's this wordl coming to? My teenage son came home yesterday and
told me my music was too loud!!

If 10 percent is good enough for God, 10 percent should be good
enough for IRS! Agree?

I guess I've made it to the big leagues in the working world. I'm
required to wear a tie every day.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 20:40:53 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Sinatra (Pun)

Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. He
found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off
their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to
be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.

These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of
water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes.
This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.

Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to
trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the
animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to
the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take
them to other lands and then set them free.

In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a
best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It
starts out... "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song
was, of course... "New Ark, New Ark."

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 1999 22:28:55 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Off the Wire

               OFF THE WIRE
          News We Just Couldn't Pass Up

A sheep to be slaughtered as part of Muslim feast-day celebrations
in southern Egypt opted to commit suicide instead.  The animal
jumped off the roof of a six-story apartment block in the town of
Nag Hammadi and died instantly, forcing the owner to make
alternative plans for lunch.

A British schoolboy carried on enjoying life for six weeks unaware
that he had a pencil embedded in his lung, the Daily Mail said.

Argentine police arrested a man suspected of "dognapping" numerous
dogs and demanding up to $1,500 in ransom.

A Chinese court sentenced a restaurant owner to death for poisoning
the donkey soup at a rival business and making 148 people ill.

Having sex once or twice a week gives a boost to the immune system
that could help ward off colds and flu, New Scientist magazine
reported recently.

There were red faces in the New Zealand prison service when an
escaped inmate from one prison visited his wife at another jail
without being recognized.

An 8-year-old boy plunged 17 stories from a Hong Kong apartment but
emerged alive after hitting four clotheslines along the way.

A cow that escaped when a cattle trailer overturned on an Atlanta
freeway made a horrifying discovery.  It ended up at a Checkers
hamburger outlet.

Hardened criminals find Britain's first privately run prison too
soft and have asked for transfers to jails where the guards are
nastier.  A report said the relaxed regime at the Wolds Remand
Prison unnerved prisoners used to hostile relations with guards.

     --compiled by Ivan Weiss
       Seattle Times, April 24, 1999

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1999 to 26 Apr 1999
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