HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1999 to 25 Apr 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 467 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Burma Shave Signs
  2. Excerpts from "Dear Abby"
  3. Maryland State Highway
  4. Shades Of H.A.L.
  5. One Liners (off. to females)
  6. "Trojan Horse" (Joke/Humor - not True)
  7. Weekly PUNY Riddles

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 23:02:01 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Burma Shave Signs

Passing cars
When you can't see
May get you
A glimpse
Of eternity
Burma-Shave

     Said farmer Brown
     Who's bald
     On top
     Wish I could
     Rotate the crop
     Burma-Shave

          Drinking drivers--
          Nothing worse
          They put
          The quart
          Before the hearse
          Burma-Shave

               Paper hangers
               With the hives
               Now can
               Shave with
               Carving knives
               Burma-Shave

                    The midnight ride
                    Of Paul
                    For beer
                    Led to a
                    Warmer hemisphere
                    Burma-Shave

                         At school zones
                         Heed instructions!
                         Protect
                         our little
                         Tax deductions
                         Burma-Shave

                              Within this vale
                              Of toil
                              And sin
                              Your head grows bald
                              But not your chin -- use
                              Burma-Shave

                                   The boy who gets
                                   His girl's applause
                                   Must act
                                   Not look
                                   Like Santa Claus
                                   Burma-Shave

                                   Grandpa's
                                   Out with
                                   Junior's date
                                   Old technique
                                   With brand new bait
                                   Burma-Shave

                              That she
                              Could cook
                              He had his doubts
                              Until she creamed
                              His bristle sprouts with
                              Burma-Shave

                         Why does a chicken
                         Cross the street?
                         She sees a guy
                         She'd like to meet
                         He uses
                         Burma-Shave

                    Prickly pears
                    Are picked
                    For pickles
                    No peach picks
                    A face that prickles
                    Burma-Shave

               He's the boy
               The gals forgot
               His line
               Was smooth
               His chin was not
               Burma-Shave

          He married Grace
          With scratchy face
          He only
          Got one day
          Of Grace!
          Burma-Shave

     You know
     Your onions
     Lettuce suppose
     This beets 'em all
     Don't turnip your nose
     Burma-Shave

I just joined
The young man said
A nudist camp
Is my face red?
No! I use
Burma-Shave

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 02:05:13 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Excerpts from "Dear Abby"

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into their apartment or come out? Do you think
they could be Lebanese?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No
twins. My husband is a real penny-pincher and still wants to have
sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he
should get himself a hobby, and he says this is his hobby. Should I
get him another tool?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. How can I verify
who's is whom's?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think
my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him. How should I broach the subject?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home change religions and turn
against his own?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Do
you agree?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I married Bill three years ago and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober. Should I cut off his
allowance?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he
finally did it.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through her mental pause.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I met this nice guy who is in the service. He's the
Chief Petting Officer. Should we?
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible? --Kay

Dear Kay: Only if they don't work.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? --Wondering

Dear Wondering: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I know boys will be boys, but my "boy" is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? --Annie

Dear Annie: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions. --Sam.

Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
--Bess

Dear Bess: Night and Day.


http://www.newbie.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 03:26:43 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Maryland State Highway

* We had a student engineer one time who was the shyest
  young lady I'd ever met.  Every time she heard the word
  "intersection", she blushed.
                           - - - - -

* The Senior Managers of the State Highway, long known for
  being able to talk out of both sides of their mouths at
  the same time, did have one advantage over the rest of us.
  They could give themselves mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
                           - - - - -

* Part of the recommended processes in any "Total Quality
  Management" plan is to assess "Risk Management".  The
  Maryland State Highway hired a consultant to perform the
  study and after thee months they submitted their report:
  There was no risk of any management whatever.
                           - - - - -

* The Administrator of the State Highway is appointed by
  the Governor of Maryland and is responsible for all of
  the State Highways.  Once some jokester placed a bumper
  sticker on his car: "As a Matter of Fact, I DO own the
  Road."  (The culprit was never identified)
                           - - - - -

* At a retirement dinner, the Road Foreman said he was indeed
  fortunate.  After 30 years of hard work and never missing
  a day, he said he was able to retire with a nice pension of
  $128,312 a year.  The State Highway kicked in $ 3,312 and
  the Lottery contributed the rest.
                           - - - - -

* I have a boss one time who was real big on "motivational
  signs".  He placed a standard "Smile" sign outside his office
  door, complete with a smiley face.  After hearing a number
  of "What's there to smile about" remarks, the sign was then
  replaced with a "Smile Anyhow !" sign, sans the smiley face.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
    http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 07:57:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Shades Of H.A.L.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few
minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached
between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed
look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no
matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 08:39:54 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: One Liners (off. to females)

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
           man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it only once.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

The bumper sticker read:  "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced
                           her.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 17:56:24 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: "Trojan Horse" (Joke/Humor - not True)

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE
DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will
overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware
that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of
heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your
town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it
back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

          --Poseidon & RANEBOUX

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 1999 17:04:40 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Weekly PUNY Riddles

161. When a retired platform speaker begins to reminisce
nostalgically about:

162. Ms. Moffo became such a temperamental diva in her latter days
that LaScala took a rather drastic step.  What did they decide to
do?

163. Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient
Greek times?

164. What Gay Nineties song was actually about the French
government in the early 1970s?

165. Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in
the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does
he usually wear?

Movie of the Week
8: Lon Chaney Jr. in a classic performance as Lennie, a Chinese
cook on a marine base in:

Book of the Week
6: Barry Longyear s story of the inventor of high colonic therapy.


               - - - - - - - - - - - -
                    (Answers)


161.  The good old dias (By Gary Hallock)

162.  Ban Anna (By Cynthia MacGregor)

163.  Dr Zeus (By Tiff Wimberly)

164.  After De Gaulle (was over) (By Stan Kegel)

165.  A three pea suit (By Gary Hallock)

Movie of the Week 8:
Of Rice and Men  (By Stan Kegel)

Book of the Week 6:
Enema Mine.  (By Stan Kegel)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1999 to 25 Apr 1999
************************************************

