HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1999 to 24 Apr 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Taxpayer's Lament
  2. The Military
  3. Research Subjects Needed...
  4. i quit!!!  [on my 45th birthday, no less!]
  5. Useful Work Phrases <adult>
  6. Visiting Grandpa in the Hospital
  7. Monica, thy name is...
  8. Taxidermist <adult>
  9. Laws of Circumstance (2 of 4)
 10. KGB at your service!
 11. Cannibals <clean>
 12. Downsizing

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Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 02:26:39 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Taxpayer's Lament

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

Source: unknown
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

               Check this Box

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.'
I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."

          --Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 04:35:01 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Military

* The Pentagon is looking at the cost overruns in the $219
  billion contract for the proposed "Joint Strike" fighter
  aircraft.  It now seems both Lockheed Martin & Boeing want
  to charge extra for the CD player and seat warmer.
                           - - - - -

* As Commander-and-Chief of the military, President Clinton
  has reclassified himself as an 18-F.  What that means is in
  case the US is invaded, he'll de disguised as a Nun then
  evacuated to the Vatican.
                           - - - - -

*   The young girl, a plebe at the Naval Academy in Annapolis,
  was visited by her Mother and asked how she liked the Navy.
    "Well... Mother." replied the girl. "I am having a bit of
  trouble learning to use my sextant properly."
    "Mary Jane !!!" said her Mother aghast. "I thought this
  place was 'straightened out' after that 'Tailhook' scandal."
                           - - - - -

*   A friend of mine has a daughter in the Navy's SeaBees.
  While assigned to Antarctica, Roxanne was ordered to use
  her bulldozer to excavate holes in the snow.  Immediately
  behind her were two men using loaders to fill them in.
    Her Mother asked her what the reasoning behind the
  operation was and Roxanne replied, "Beats me Ma.  But I
  have a hell of a time keeping ahead of those guys."
                           - - - - -

*   While in Navy training, we were actually issued old M-1
  rifles and not only fired them, but had to clean them too.
    An accountant type was asked by our Company Commander
  what was the first thing to do when cleaning a rifle.
    The trainee responded, "Check the serial number."
    The instructor, a crusty old Marine barked, "Check the
  serial number ???  What the hell for ???"
    "To be sure I'm cleaning MY rifle." replied the trainee.

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:41:08 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Research Subjects Needed...

I took my daughter to the doctor today. While waiting, I enjoyed
once again reading all the signs on all the walls and all the
little pamphlets informing me how to tell if I have breast cancer
and so on.  One of the signs caught my attention. The St. George
Health Clinic is part of the University of Toronto, and this sign
was asking for volunteers in a study. It said:

     Research Participants Needed for an Important Study on:
          People's Understanding of Consent Forms
          for Participation in Research

I am not making this up! I asked the people at the desk about it
and they said that if I was interested in participating, I need to
fill out a form. They gave me one. It says on the top:

       Consent to be Contacted for Interviews for
       The Consent Form Comprehension Study


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 08:03:56 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: i quit!!!  [on my 45th birthday, no less!]

I hereby officially tender my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year
old again.

- I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
  restaurant.
- I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples
  with rocks.
- I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat
  them.
- I want to play kickball during recess and paint with water colors
  in art.
- I want to lie under a big Oak tree and run a lemonade stand with
  my friends on a hot summers' day.
- I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you
  knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but
  that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't
  know and you didn't care. When all you knew was to be happy
  because you didn't know all the things that should make you
  worried and upset.
- I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is
  honest and good.
- I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in my
  youth... I matured and I learned too much. I learned of nuclear
  weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children. I
  learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and
  death. I learned of a world where men left their families to go
  and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on
  the streets... begging for their next meal. I learned of a world
  where children knew how to kill... and did!!  What happened to
  the time when we thought that everyone would live forever,
  because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the
  worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from
  you or picked you last for kickball?
- I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly
  excited by little things once again.
- I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was
  clean. When television was used to report the news or for family
  entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit. I
  remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because
  I was. I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand
  between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.  I would
  spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't
  worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to
  fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I
  grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
- I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
  computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to
  survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank,
  doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
- I want to believe in the power of smiles, a kind word, truth,
  justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making
  angels in the snow.
- I want to be 6 again.

source: unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 08:11:19 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Useful Work Phrases <adult>

- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
  public.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
  subject.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
  artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
  pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
  coincidental.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
  point of view.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
  ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
  worship me.
- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
- Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who, me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
  I'm really quite busy.
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

          --Ken Duffy
            via Aurora32 

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 09:01:58 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Visiting Grandpa in the Hospital

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are
you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of
you."

"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's
it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off
to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he
says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully
well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from
rolling out of bed."

(Note: 'Sister' is the English term for a nurse)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 09:25:44 -0400
From:    Prasad Kashyap <pkashyap@RALEIGH.IBM.COM>
Subject: Monica, thy name is...

What's in that name Monica?

Monica is also the name of a Catholic patron saint.
She is the patron saint of:

   - victims of adultery, unfaithfulness, and difficult marriages
   - married women

http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm04.htm

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 09:10:42 PST
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Taxidermist <adult>

A woman owned two monkeys, a male and a female, which were an
endless source of joy to her.  One day, both of them ate some bad
bananas, got sick and died.

Naturally, this was quite a shock to the woman.  However, she felt
that it might be nice to have the animals stuffed so that she could
always remember the happiness the two animals had brought her while
they were alive.

So, she went to the taxidermist and asked if he could stuff these
two animals.

"Of course," he replied, "that will be no problem.  Where are you
thinking of displaying these two monkeys?"

She said, "I was thinking of putting them over my mantle."

"So, I imagine you'd like to have them mounted, too?"  he asked.

"Oh no!, she exclaimed, "just standing side-by-side."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 12:21:59 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Laws of Circumstance (2 of 4)

20. If your TV goes on the blink or the cable goes out, it will be
    during a show you especially wanted to see.
21. News bulletins always cut in during the most exciting part of
    the program.
22. If you have only one gas credit card on a trip, you will see
    those stations until your gas gets low, then they will vanish.
23. If you decide to drive until you get tired on a trip and then
    get a motel, all the motels will be full.
24. If you are waiting for a specific article in a magazine, you
    will not be able to get that issue.
25. You will always forget something you need when you leave on a
    trip and not remember it until too late to go back.
26. If you have a very short time to make a plane connection, the
    incoming plane will be very late.
27. If you have a very long time to make a plane connection, the
    incoming plane will be very early.
28. Mail that normally gets to someone in one day will take longer
    if you mail a birthday card one day before.
29. Try to take a very special candid picture and the flash won't
    go off.
30. Your roll of film will not be finished at the end of your
    vacation and you won't get the rest taken for several months.
31. Something will always go wrong in what should be a foolproof
    plan.
32. News bulletins will never interrupt a commercial.
33. Wash your car and it will rain.
34. Get gas at a non-credit card station and the very next station
    will be a station for your credit card.
35. Weekends during the summer will very rarely be nice, even if
    the rest of the week was.
36. You won't have the right change to make a call from a pay
    phone.
37. The only vacant seat in a crowded theater will be behind a tall
    person or a lady with a hat.
38. Your neighbor will burn his trash when you have your wash out
    to dry.
39. More leaves will get on your lawn from your neighbor's tree
    than on his lawn.
40. An elevator will never be on the same floor that you are.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 14:02:48 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: KGB at your service!

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.  Someone answers, "Hello?"

"My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State.  He is
hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of
wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.  "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB
come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call.  I need my vegetable patch
plowed."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 19:04:52 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Cannibals <clean>

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I
just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've
roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried
every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place
at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope
around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring
of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder... those are
friars!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 20:39:32 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Downsizing

COST SAVING COOPERATIVE AGREEMENT (caution: the following press
release may not be authentic; the Bulletin staff is checking)

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR BRUCE BABBITT ANNOUNCES HISTORIC
COOPERATIVE AGREEMENT BETWEEN U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERVICE AND
U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY

WASHINGTON, D.C., June 15, 1995: Secretary of the Interior Bruce
Babbitt called a press conference today to announce the
implementation of a new cooperative agreement between the U.S. Fish
and Wildlife Service and the U.S. Geological Survey.  Secretary
Babbitt called the agreement an historic step towards successful
implementation of Reinventing Government, Stage II that has been
developed by the Clinton Administration.

Under the terms of this agreement, packs of wolves imported from
Canada will be introduced into several Federal office buildings
occupied by the U.S. Geological Survey in Reston, Virginia, Denver,
Colorado and Menlo Park, California.  "Wolves are an endangered
species that need special protection to allow their populations to
increase," said Babbitt. "Private landowners have objected to
releasing wolves in National Parks, fearing that they will wander
onto private lands and attack livestock. This agreement represents
an innovative compromise that will allow the wolves to prosper in
areas where the public will have no objection to their presence."

The Director of the U.S. Geological Survey, Gordon Eaton was
present at the Department of Interior press conference.  When asked
by the press for his reaction to this plan, Eaton said, "The U.S.
Geological Survey is undergoing an unprecedented downsizing in
response to the desire on the part of the Clinton Administration
and the U.S. Congress to reduce the size and cost of the Federal
Government.  This agreement with the Fish and Wildlife Service will
introduce ecologically sound management practices that will replace
the "business as usual" approach to personnel issues at the U.S.
Geological Survey.  Federal agency work forces are no different
than the overpopulated herds of deer and elk in our country today.
We too, need to thin the herds," said Eaton.

Secretary Babbitt interrupted Dr. Eaton to reassure U.S. Geological
Survey employees that the vast majority of them would be unaffected
by wolf pack predation.  "Keep in mind that wolves tend to prey
mostly on the weak and slow," Babbitt said.  "Most USGS employees
can move fast and stay out of harm's way.  If you keep alert and
show no fear, chances are the wolves will leave you alone.  Our
wildlife experts tell me that 95% of the employees of the
Department of the Interior will be unaffected by wolf predation in
an average year."

An information brochure entitled "Adapt or Die" will be distributed
to all U.S. Geological Survey employees.  The brochure explains the
ecological basis for this new management policy.  It also points
out that there are severe penalties for harming these endangered
wolves, even in self-defense.  It says, "Keep in mind that humans
are not an endangered species and therefore lack legal protection."


(Publisher's note:  It isn't.  The author is: James L Fulton,
 Hydrologist, Reston, VA)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1999 to 24 Apr 1999
************************************************

