HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1999 to 23 Apr 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 474 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The challenge [adult humour]
  2. How's that Again ?
  3. Colin & the Gorilla  ("f" Word)
  4. Why We Appreciate Men, A Woman's Perspective
  5. Rambling Rose <adult>
  6. Laws of Circumstance (1 of 4)
  7. Tats (adult)
  8. News Flash (Political Humor)
  9. Final Exam
 10. The Baseball Crew
 11. At the Dr.'s <adult>
 12. Dog Daze

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 01:57:12 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: The challenge   [adult humour]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.  He puts
the alligator up on the bar.  He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal.  I will open this alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside.  Then, the gator will close his mouth for
one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.  The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.  After
a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head.  The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.  "I'll pay anyone
here $100.00 who's willing to give it a try."  A hush fell over the
crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.  A woman
timidly Spoke up.  "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me
on the head with the beer bottle."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 03:25:36 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: How's that Again ?

* The accountants suggested to Nero that he close down the
  Colosseum. "We're not making a drachma." they told him.
  "The lions are eating-up all the prophets."
                           - - - - -

*   Driving thru the mountains in West Virginia, a traveler
  pulls up to a rural gas station and asks, "Do you have a
  rest room here ?"
    The local replies, "Nope.  But we got an old rocker on
  the porch that's mighty comfortable."
                           - - - - -

*   I have a neighbor who's known for watching his money
  very carefully.  After he and his wife made a trip to
  Hawaii, I asked how he enjoyed it.
    "Too expensive Jim !" he replied. "See this tan ? It
  cost me $112.75 a square inch."
                           - - - - -

*   A lone golfer heard a man yelling and finally located
  him.  The man was up to his knees in a sand trap and
  slowly sinking. He told the man, "Hang on, I'll save ya."
    "Never mind that !" exclaimed the man. "Just hand me
  my wedge."
                           - - - - -

*   The distraught man was sitting at the bar "drowning his
  sorrows".  A buddy came over and asked what was wrong.
  "It's Jody." the drinker replied.
    "Wait." said his buddy. "Just last month you told me
  that she said you'd won her heart."
    "Yeah." said the guy, downing the rest of his drink.
  "Her heart belongs to me, but the rest of her keeps
  going out with other guys."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 07:04:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Colin & the Gorilla  ("f" Word)

Two queers, Roger and Colin, are walking through London Zoo one day
when they come across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage.
Sitting upright just inside the bars is an eight foot muscle bound
Silverback Gorilla and Colin, being as gay as you like. can't help
but notice its massive, thick penis hanging there. "OOOoooh... Look
at the donger on him Roger!" squeels Colin excitedly "I've never
had one that size in my hand before!"

Unable to contain himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes
the apple sized bell-end of the ape. Roger tries to pull his
boyfriend away but its too late... the gorilla's shovel like hands
clasp Colin's wrist and yank him through the bars, into the cage.
Roger screams in a gay fashion as Colin is dragged into the
gorillas bamboo hut.

Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very very rough bout
of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to block
Colin's screams and runs to get help.

It takes three and a half hours for the Zoo Staff to lure the ape
out and fire a tranquilizer dart at its arse. They call an
ambulance and Colin is rushed to hospital for major ringpiece
surgery.

A few days later Roger decides to visit his gay pal Colin in
Hospital as he hears that he's regained concoiusness. Colin is in
his bed, crying his eyes out when Roger walks in. "How are you
feeling darling ?" asks Roger quietly.

"Awful !" whimpers Colin "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse
rotten!"

"Does it hurt?" asked Roger.

"Hurt ?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks "Hurt?  Of
course it bloody hurts... he hasn't even called or written!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 07:04:38 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Why We Appreciate Men, A Woman's Perspective

 1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's
    perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
 2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor
    anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
 3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
 4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex.
 5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
 6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
 7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.
 8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate
    cake.
 9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball
    around.
10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward
    of their inner Little Leaguer.
11. How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough
    neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
14. They really love their moms.  They remind us of our dads.
15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she
    looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of
    work and money - ours as well as theirs.
17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil
    and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do
    but would be nuts to volunteer for.
18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor
    the neighbors say.
19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their
    clothing size.
20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade
    cookie.
21. How sexy their butts look in jeans.
22. How sexy their hands look holding ours.
23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present
    they picked out
24. Their ignorance is usually amusing
25. They have a great sense of competition
26. They can make great sex partners
27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet
    "I love you Princess" is added)
28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted
    and caring
29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and
    connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to
30. They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be
    concerned if we want them to be
31. They can be taught
32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick
    or happy or hurt.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 08:12:42 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Rambling Rose <adult>

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.  Later they go
on to a show.  The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at
her door he says, "I have had a lovely time.  You looked so
beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose.  May I call
on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made.  The next night he knocks on her
door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.  He
is stunned.  "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up 'rambling rose' in the encyclopedia last
night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for
rooting up against a garden wall'!!!"
               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be
Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes
love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that
the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd
like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your
trombone."

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment
building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'll remember us?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 09:51:51 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Laws of Circumstance (1 of 4)

I made these up about 25 years ago when I was transmitter-sitting a
TV transmitter and didn't have a lot to do. I came across them the
other day and they still apply.

 1. If you lose a part you need, you won't have an extra.
 2. If an appliance goes out, it will be just when you need it
    most.
 3. If something has to be done in a hurry, you will never have
    enough time to do it.
 4. When your house is a mess, someone will drop in unexpectedly.
 5. If any of your clothes get a spot that doesn't come out, it
    will be your best ones.
 6. Any part lost will always be one you can't do without.
 7. Anything dropped into a machine will require dismantling the
    machine to remove it.
 8. Any big new programs or buildings by governments will bring new
    taxes soon afterward.
 9. Any books lost through borrowing will be ones you wanted to
    keep.
10. Any article broken will be one that can't be replaced easily.
11. When you watch TV shows during rerun season that you saw rarely
    during the regular season, you will have seen them before.
12. The last ones to leave a party will be the bores.
13. The guest-of-honor at a party will be very late.
14. Defy a superstition to prove a point and something bad will
    happen to you.
15. If you have just enough time to drive somewhere, the traffic
    will be unusually heavy and you won't make it.
16. Any letter or email sent to someone by mistake will have
    something in it you didn't want that person to know.
17. A page missing from a mystery will have information essential
    to the solution.
18. If the lights go out, you won't have a flashlight that works in
    the house.
19. Carry a lighter to light other's cigarettes and when you need
    it, it will be out of fluid.
20. If your TV goes on the blink or the cable goes out, it will be
    during a show you especially wanted to see.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 19:00:58 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Tats (adult)

This man finally after 1 year of being with his girlfriend realizes
how much he loves her... So, he wants to do something for her that
no one has ever done for her... So, he goes to a tattoo parlor and
tells the man who works there that he wants him to tattoo "I LOVE
YOU" on his penis.

Well, the man looks at him and says " can I ask you why"? The man
tells him why and the tattoo artists says well its your money and
does it...

That night he picks up his girlfriend and brings her to a beautiful
restaurant and dines her so romantically and tells her that he has
something for her that she will never believe that he did... She
says whatever... Since he hasn't done shit for her so far she
thought who cares...

Well after dinner they go back to his place and he dims the lights,
puts on some nice slow music and walks back to the couch and sits
beside her and tells her I want to show you what I did for you...
So he pulls down his pants and shows her..

Well she screams out "NO NO NO NO... I KNOW WHAT YOUR TRYING TO
DO... YOUR TRYING TO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH"...


Source: Cyberlaughs

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 19:30:46 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: News Flash (Political Humor)

White House - "President Clinton announced today an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace
accord is ratifiedby England and its break-away province of
Northern Ireland.

"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention,
we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the
Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:

 Week 1 - Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland
 Week 2 - Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free Kurds.
 Week 3 - Bombing of Africa to stop Hutus from killing Tutsis.
 Week 4 - Bombing of Istanbul and Athens to fix the Cyprus problem
 Week 5 - Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country.
 Week 6 - Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
 Week 7 - Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands
 Week 8 - Bombing of New Delhi to free the Tamils of Sri Lanka
 Week 9 - Bombing of Paris to free Corsica
Week 10 - Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free he Confederate of
          Southern States, held captive for 139 years.

"This schedule will do until we can come up with others and NATO
peacekeepers will be deployed everywhere," said Madeleine Albright,
Secretary of State. She did not respond when asked when the bombing
of Beijing in order to free Tibet would occur.

          --from Dan Haig

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:00:09 -0700
From:    "Dr. L.A. Wilson" <eyes@VIP.NET>
Subject: Final Exam

The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consisted of "true/false" questions. She took her seat in the
examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes,
and then in a fit of inspiration took out her purse, removed a
coin, and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -
True for Heads and False for Tails.

Within half an hour she had completed the exam while the rest of
the class was feverishly continuing to work. During the last few
minutes, she desperately began throwing the coin, swearing, and
sweating.

The instructor, alarmed, approached her and asked if there was a
problem.

"I finished the exam in half an hour," she replied, "Now, I am
rechecking my answers."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 20:50:24 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Baseball Crew

The umpire crew for a baseball game consists of four men. While
games have been played with only 3, some crews take an extra man
along in the event of injury/sickness/etc.

To keep from being bored, sometimes this extra man wanders around
the stadium to enjoy the game from different vantage points.

One night, the extra umpire tripped & fell from the second tier of
a grandstand. An article in the paper reported on his demise...
"The Decline & Fall of the Roaming Umpire." (by Jim Moore Jr.)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 23 Apr 1999 10:06:46 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: At the Dr.'s <adult>

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem
you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be
thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor
I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever
seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about
laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up
to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he
says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let
it happen again.  Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 1999 22:26:13 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Dog Daze

A Seattle couple were walking their dogs off leash at Salmon Bay
Park in Ballard.

Along came a police cruiser with this announcement over the P.A.
system:  "You must have your vehicle leashed while in the city of
Seattle."

The couple started to laugh.  Again the P.A. system crackled:
"Please put your vehicles on a leash.  Your vehicles -- er, I mean
your dogs -- must be on a leash..."

The patrolman drove off without issuing a citation.


Jean Godden, January 20, 1999
Copyright 1999 Seattle Times Company
http://www.seattletimes.com/

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1999 to 23 Apr 1999
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