HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1999 to 22 Apr 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 484 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. So alcohol IS ok? (21+ humor)
  2. Ask the Poetry Guy
  3. Baseball
  4. Your Tax Dollars At Work
  5. Beautiful Islands (mature)
  6. 1000 Pounds Of Dynamite! <adult>
  7. Idioticus miscellaneous
  8. Did Ya hear!! (adult)
  9. Who get the most enjoyment? <sexual content>
 10. St. Peter Martyr's Day  (20 April): Voices and other voices
 11. Cynical affirmations.

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Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 01:08:24 -0500
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: So alcohol IS ok? (21+ humor)

Just one more reason why science rocks.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the
weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as
the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive
intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps
eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal
link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It
also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university
and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the
performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the
strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the
intellectual levels that they achieved during their university
years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back
into the bars, Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you
to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that
you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

          --author unknown


http://www.schulte.org/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 11:25:20 +0400
From:    Garcia/Graham <seth@AGMAR.RU>
Subject: Ask the Poetry Guy

Dear Poetry Guy,
Happy American Poetry Month!  An embarrassing question: can you
tell me who wrote the poem containing the line "No man is an
island"?
     Thanks,
     Fred Honnell, Concord, NH

Dear Fred,
This line is from an obscure heartwrencher by Louis Zmed, who was,
alas, not as famous a poet as he was for being the great uncle of
Adrian Zmed, the powerhouse thespian who graced "TJ Hooker" and the
film "Grease 2."

The complete text of Louis' poem reads as follows:

               Adrian Zmed on Baloney Island

No man is an island.
All icky wet and full of ants.
Lone sand nipple jutting from the drink.
Recalcitrant kin to every Guam, Dick and Haiti, yes,
No man is an island.

No man is bologna,
That beigest of all the cross-sectional foods.
Fleshy reminder of life's tubular splendor,
So commonly, tragically profaned
By a flaccid leaf or square cheese, yes,
No man is bologna.

No man is Adrian Zmed.
Pfeiffer's first celluloid Adonis,
Travolta's forgotten greasy heir.
Sentenced to secondbananadom in the shadow of
Shatner's implants, and Locklear's, yes,
No man is Adrian Zmed.

An island, bologna, Adrian Zmed: these
Are the things that no man (with the
Exception, in the third instance, of Adrian
Zmed) is.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 04:40:27 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baseball

* The baseball stadium in Baltimore can boast of serving the
  purest water there is -- an Orioles Ballpark Coke.
                           - - - - -

* Recently a major league player was negotiating a multi-million
  dollar contract full of annuities, bonuses and incentives. The
  deal fell thru however when he also demanded $20,000 in cash.
                           - - - - -

*   Waiting for her appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Pamela
  Anderson was watching a baseball game on TV in her dressing
  room. Oprah poked her head in and said, "You're up next Pamela.
  I had no idea you were interested in our 'National Pastime'.
    "Oprah dear." grinned Pamela. "I AM the national pastime."
                           - - - - -

*   The Baltimore Orioles with the 2nd highest payroll in all of
  baseball acquired a well known hitter this year.  The man, not
  known for "getting along" with anyone had a few run-in's with
  the manager.
    The manager complained to the owner who is supposed to have
  said, "I don't know Ray... seems to me it'd be a lot cheaper
  and easier to replace you instead of him."
                           - - - - -

*   The umpire crew for a baseball game consists of four men.
  While games have been played with only 3, some crews take an
  extra man along in the event of injury/sickness/etc.
    To keep from being bored, sometimes this extra man wanders
  around the stadium to enjoy the game from different vantage
  points.
    One night, the extra umpire tripped & fell from the second
  tier of a grandstand.  An article in the paper  reported on
  his demise: "The Decline & Fall of the Roaming Umpire."

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 07:01:31 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Your Tax Dollars At Work

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a
ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space
capsules. After considerable research and development, the
Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked
and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on
earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 07:11:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Beautiful Islands (mature)

There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where
the  following people are stranded:

   2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
   2 French men and 1 French woman
   2 German men and 1 German woman
   2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
   2 English men and 1 English woman
   2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
   2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
   2 American men and 1 American woman
   2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the  middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one
look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her
own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that
they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division
of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother
is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut whiskey but they are satisfied in that at least the English
are not getting any.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:31:14 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: 1000 Pounds Of Dynamite! <adult>

A large, powerfully built guy meets a woman at a bar.  After a
number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.  As they are
making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,
"See that, baby?  That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says
(referring to his bulging thighs), "See those, baby?  That's 1000
pounds of dynamite!"

By this point, she is aching for action.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she
grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches
her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a
hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I
was afraid you were about to blow!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 09:17:34 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Idioticus miscellaneous

IDIOTS IN RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have
it, they matched.

IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing Sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were
being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner
became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her
that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

MORE IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the
employee I would be coming by to pick it up. I asked if they were
on the east or west side of the street. She replied, "It depends.
Which direction are you coming from?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 09:47:16 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Did Ya hear!! (adult)

Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills
for older guys?  It's so the back won't peter out and the peter
won't back out.
          ================================

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it... ribb-it... ribb-it;
and a Busch frog goes bud... wis... er;
What does a Windows 95 frog sound like?

Re-boot... re- boot... re-boot.
          ================================

Q. If you're in France, and you're attacked by a very large
   dog, what's the best way to defend yourself?
A. Step on it...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:57:20 -0700
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Who get the most enjoyment? <sexual content>

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They
talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better
entertainers, etc.  The flirting continued for more than an hour
when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so
far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.  The woman
listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her
response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about
this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your
ear or your finger?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 14:26:01 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: St. Peter Martyr's Day (20 April):
         Voices and other voices

          St. Peter Martyr's Day

Known as the "Prince of the Inquisition" for his persuasiveness,
Peter was ejected from a monastery for entertaining women in his
cell.  He argued successfully, however, that the voices overheard
were those of Saints Cecilia, Agnes and Catherine, who were
visiting from Heaven.

     --from Jeffrey Kacirk's daily calendar of "Forgotten English"
               - - - - - - - - - - - -

Speaking of voices (which Kacirk was) have you noticed the voices
of the NATO spokespersons telling us what's up in Kosovo?

Now, I get most of my news via the paper and radio, so I don't know
what these guys look like, but I'd find them much more credible if
they all didn't sound like members of "Monty Python's Flying
Circus."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 16:11:22 -0700
From:    "Dr. L.A. Wilson" <eyes@VIP.NET>
Subject: Cynical affirmations.

Affirmations to consider!

 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my
    inner sociopath.

 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
    levels of suspicion and paranoia.

 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
    that are someone else's fault.

 4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

 5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and
    judgment.

 6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper,
    and complain.

 7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than
    a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

 8. I am at one with my duality.

 9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
    and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
    are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
    underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend
    it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the
    conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way,
    if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1999 to 22 Apr 1999
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