HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1999 to 21 Apr 1999
There are 17 messages totalling 868 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Thank-you letter <one adult word>
  2. Humor List Community
  3. Socks in Heated Scandal!!!!!!!!!
  4. A fairy tale updated
  5. Universal Truth
  6. 23 Things You Would Never Hear Your Wife Say (adult)
  7. An Internet song <clean>
  8. Q&A <adult>
  9. Hey, Toro!  Toro!  Toro!  Hey, Toro!
 10. Advice for the Outdoorsmen (Not offensive)
 11. Equipped (adult theme)
 12. Special Announcement!
 13. The Madam and the Carpenter <adult>
 14. Surd-Times: At The Party <adult>
 15. Briefs-2 (Puns)
 16. Literary yokings
 17. More News

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 10:21:48 +0400
From:    Garcia/Graham <seth@AGMAR.RU>
Subject: Thank-you letter <one adult word>

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly.

Dear Reyer School,

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county
home for the aged.

    All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks
of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

    My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it.  The other day her radio fell and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I said fuck you.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 03:34:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Humor List Community

* One of our married contributors has "seen the light". He told
  me that it has taken him over twenty years of marriage to
  understand that it's not necessary to understand his wife.
                           - - - - -

*   I was contacted recently by a worried contributor who said
  he no longer received comments on his posts.  In the American
  way, he went on to say he suspected a conspiracy of silence
  towards him, and asked what I thought he should do.
    I suggested his best course of action was to join it.
                           - - - - -

*   Like quite a number of our contributors, this one woman is
  the perplexed parent of a teenage daughter. I asked recently
  how things were going.
    She replied, "She's at that awkward age -- too old for teddy
  bears and too young for wolves."
                           - - - - -

*   A Canadian contributor winters in the remote wilds, yet still
  makes the trip to the nearest Catholic Parish each Saturday for
  confession, often taking an entire 18 hours for travel.
    I asked why he didn't just fly there and save the time.  He
  replied that it was too expensive for venial sins and far too
  risky for mortal sins.
                           - - - - -

*   Exchanging e-mails with a regular contributor has helped me
  gain some insight into a banker's mind.  This lady punished
  her son for a misdeed.  The boy finally got his sister to
  admit she was the guilty party.
    The lady banker told her son that his punishment would be
  properly credited to his account for his next misdeed.
                           - - - - -

*   Another contributor invited Mrs JimJr and I to a benefit
  talent show in near-by Virginia.  Following her outstanding
  singing performance, I congratulated her and hinted that she
  should try her hand professionally.
    "Oh Jim." she gushed. "I can't sing at all.  I have a truly
  terrible voice.  I was only imitating Madonna."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
    http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
    http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist

To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 02:56:30 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Socks in Heated Scandal!!!!!!!!!

First Cat Socks Clinton was found  unconscious in a Washington cat
house Monday, strung out on cat nip and in the company of Siamese
Twins.  Surgeon General Ben Casey stated, "It will be a day or two
before we can get the full story since the cat is so high its eyes
just keep bouncing first left and then right, like one of those
creepy 1950's clocks."

Investigators from the office of Independent Counsel Ken Starr are
checking into whether Socks might have passed on sensitive
information to the Siamese, or whether the Siamese may have
contributed to the Democratic Party in return for favors or fish
treats.

At this point, what is known is that Socks has been depressed
lately, ostensibly because his master had taken a liking to dogs.
In the July issue of Cat Quarterly, the celebrity feline
communicated his frustrations with lack of petting and combing
time, resulting in a trip to the hospital for a gargantuan hairball
being hacked up during a Summit Peace Conference.

In June, the long-time White House gardener, Don Hoe, abruptly quit
the staff, blaming Socks for using the Rose Garden as his favorite
dumping ground while the litter tray remained unused for weeks.

A red flag went up when White House security apprehended a widely
known cat nip dealer, who goes by the street name of "Mouser",
attempting to scale the south-west wall with over two ounces of
high grade nip in a Hello Kitty backpack.

First Lady Hilary Clinton stated, "A large plate of Gulf Shrimp
will be waiting for Socks when he is released.  I know what that
poor cat is going through.  I have been there and can feel his
pain."


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 10:50:21 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A fairy tale updated

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.  The frog said to the princess, "I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we
can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."

That night, as the princess dined on the frog's legs in garlic
butter, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't think so."


http://www.catweasel.org/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:10:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Universal Truth

Here's an ugly universal truth: No matter what stripe, what they do
for a living, where they were raised, who raised 'em, who the first
significant non-family women in their lives were, or how (if?) they
were toilet-trained, all men are slime.

Ladies, who taught you what unconditional love was?  Who packed
your lunch while you ate breakfast and then made sure you had a hot
meal each evening?  Who bandaged your skinned knee and then kissed
it to make the hurt go away?  Who read to you when you were young?
Who taught you how to read and then gave you books that helped you
become the person you are?  Who pushed you to be good at your
schoolwork and helped edit all those papers you had to write?  Who
told you about your monthly "friend" and offered support (and handy
tips) the first time your "friend" came to visit?  Who told you
about not wearing white shoes after labor day?  Who handed out hugs
and kleenex after that first dating experience went south?  Who
bought you that first velvet dress AND the first pair of jeans that
made you butt look good?  Who cried when you told your parents and
your friends that you'd found the person you wanted to marry?
Probably NOT some guy, that's who.

Did Maggie Thatcher have a tawdry affair with a male intern in the
sitting room at 10 Downing Street?  Nope.  Assume for a second that
she did and got caught lying about it, would she have resigned?
Absolutely.  Did Benazir Bhutto or Corazon Aquino overthrow their
corrupt governments just to force all the men in their countries
out of business, education and government and back into submissive
roles in sexually repressive clothing so the women in their
countries could return to treating men as property?  No way.  Did
Geraldine Ferraro take some "himbo" on a boat trip and then flame
out a budding presidential election campaign while lying about it?
Nope.

Did Senator Dianne Feinstein get drunk, drive off a bridge and
leave a "campaign worker" (nudge, nudge) to drown as the car sank,
run away and later claim she was too deeply in shock to remember
what happened and report it to the cops?  Not a chance.  Later, did
some anonymous career-climbing woman at an advertising agency
recognize that their client's car was air-tight enough to float (at
least for a while, anyway), and then cynically come up with the
"Senator, if had been driving a VW bug, you'd be president now" ad?
Probably not.

Who starts wars?  Men.  Who invented the handgun as a metaphor for
their wee-wee and then used it in testosterone-poisoned wee-wee
waving contests to spurt death on America's streets?  Men.  Who
threatened the existence of all life on earth by building weapons
shaped like their less-than-adequate sexual organs?  Men.  Who
decided the best place to keep those flying phalluses of death was
safely tucked in a hole (now THERE'S a Freudian image, no?)  Men.
Who invented the speculum and the refrigerator they keep it in?
Men.  Who invented latex clothing, girdles, pointy toed "FM" shoes
and then birth control pills so they can live out their sexual
fantasies without any down-side after playtime's over?  Men.  Hell,
who frustrated millions as payback by inventing Windows-9x because
he couldn't get a date and then went on to become the richest
person without a sex life in all of human history?  A geeky guy.

Ladies, think back in your own lives to all the times that people
have manipulated you, lied to you, cheated you, cheated on you, put
you down and then acted to keep you there, disappointed you by
breaking a promise or just plain didn't live up to that picture
your Mom drew for you of what an ideal adult role-model ought to
be.  Now put faces to those people.  Mostly men, right?  Maybe even
all men.

See, all men ARE slime... even the good ones (whose sliminess is
only in remission, not cured).

There! I feel clean now.

So, how 'bout it, babe?  Are we on for tonight?

          --thanks to Ziggy


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:22:49 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 23 Things You Would Never Hear Your Wife Say (adult)

 1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
 3. I'm bored.  Let's shave my pussy?
 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
 5. That was a great fart!  Please do another one?
 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
 7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go
    shopping.
 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's
    asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had
    time to play Saturday too.
13. Honey... our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come
    see.
14. No, No I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy
    yourself some new clubs.
17. I fully understand... our anniversary comes every year for
    Christ's  sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful
    stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack
    of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
19. Not the fucking mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip
    joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
    retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the
    night feedings.
22. God... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my
    head.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 13:37:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: An Internet song <clean>

          The Modern Cyber-Citizen's Song
          by Marcus Bales

I am the very model of a modern cyber-netizen
All logic I dispense with, and all taste and manners jettison;
I'm found on TV, radio, and many other "medias"
But cyberspace is where I'm most particularly tedious.
I come in every stripe from the conservative to radical
And know it all except for how to spell or be grammatical.
I haven't got a clue about the use of logicality
And drivel on with made-up-factoid bargain-bin banality.
I flame opponents hairless from a dozen different pseudonyms,
Each one a ruder, lewder pun on Anglo-Saxon crudonyms,
And where I find civility and hot debate have been at ease
I break it up with spamming, flaming, scrolling and obscenities.
I'm ignorant in every field, poetic to statistical,
Which only makes my points of view more thoroughly sophistical;
My attitude's aggressive and my tone is sanctimonious,
My facts are bad, conclusions wrong, and arguments erroneous;
My posts are pure unparagraphed expressions of my vanity,
Impossible to parse except perhaps for the profanity.
I'm known for disputatiousness and other sorts of knavery
From purposeful mendacity to things yet more unsavory.
The places civil reason is accounted most iniquitous
Are places where you'll find me inescapably ubiquitous.
In short, all logic I reject, all taste and manners jettison
Because I am the model of a modern cyber-netizen!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 08:01:00 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Q&A <adult>

Q: What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
A: They're both used to catch those special moments!
          -------------------------------

Q: Did you hear that Pee-wee's line of clothing is discounted
   now in stores?
A: His pants are half off!
          -------------------------------

Q: How do you grow chickens?
A: On eggplants.
          -------------------------------

Q: Why do black people hate Garth Brooks?
A: Because he sucks.
          -------------------------------

Q: What do you get if you cross a Pitbull Terrier with a Labrador?
A: A dog that scares the shit out of you then fetches the toilet
   paper.
          -------------------------------

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Ever seen the mess a snail makes?
          -------------------------------

Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?
A: Because they can't make a fist.
          -------------------------------

Q: What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A: Toys for twats!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:57:44 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Hey, Toro!  Toro!  Toro!  Hey, Toro!

A man and his wife were visiting Mexico and went to a local
restaurant for dinner.  They couldn't decide on what to have so
they spend a lot of time looking over the menu.  While they were,
they heard a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen came the cook
with a big platter.

He was assisted by two or three waiters, and with much ceremony,
they placed the platter on the next table and uncovered it to
reveal two rather large, round pieces of meat that were smothered
by vegetables and lots of garnish.

The man and wife asked their waiter what the commotion was about
and the waiter explained that the next table was just served the
house specialty - the testicles of the bull from the day's
bullfight.  The man and his wife asked for the same dish and the
waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they
can't have that dish that evening.  However, he added, they could
be the persons of honor the next night.  That maked the couple
happy.

They returned the next day and await their feast.  The trumpet blew
its fanfare and the big procession began. The same hoop-de-do began
as on the previous night and the cooks set the huge platter down
before them. When the cover was lifted only two rather small
morsels were revealed.

The husband asked the waiter, "What gives?  Yesterday's were so
much larger!"

The waiter replied, "Well, Seqor, you must understand - on some
days, the bull wins."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 10:46:30 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Advice for the Outdoorsmen (Not offensive)

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts,
the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters,
and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears
while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case
of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out
for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear &
grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller & contains
lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little
bells in it and smells like pepper.

          --from blagues-l list.
            (Bilingual-- French/English joke list)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 13:24:44 -0500
From:    Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: equipped (adult theme)

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General
Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military
installation.

Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these
              young boys on their adventure holiday?"

LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
               archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
               the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
              activity to be teaching children?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper
               range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
               not one, are you?"

End of the interview


http://jokes.schulte.org/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 19:59:17 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Special Announcement!

It is with regret that I announce that I have accepted the
resignation of Jim Moore Jr. as the Traffic Coordinator and
Archivist for the Humor List, effective immediately.  The parting
is amiable and I would like to take this opportunity to thank Jim
for his dedication and efforts on behalf of the Humor List.

I will continue as Listowner and Larry Randall will continue as
both the Examiner and the Enforcer.  Larry and I have decided that
we will go on without Traffic Reporting and Archiving.  I will
attempt to provide our subscription numbers and contributor numbers
on a monthly basis as time permits, but no more traffic reports
will be forthcoming.  The archive sites, as well as any other
sites, clubs or Humor affiliated efforts will remain only so long
as Jim wants to maintain them.

You should experience no interruption or difference in service
levels because of this action.  Larry and I can still be reached at
our regular addresses with any concerns, comments or heaven forbid,
sick humor.

I would like to thank all 8,000 of you for your contributions,
subscriptions, comments and help in making the UGA Humor
List one of the better humor lists in the country, if not the
world.

Jay Harman, Listowner
UGA Humor List
jharman@ix.netcom.com
jay_harman@hotmail.com

Larry Randall, Co-Listowner
UGA Humor List
lrandall@asymail.faa.gov

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 20:00:31 EDT
From:    Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Madam and the Carpenter <adult>

The madam of a whorehouse is having a great year for business, so
she decides to divide her reception area in half so she'll have
another bedroom.

She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and
when he's finished, he says, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks,
Miss."

She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes
off all her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide
apart. She says with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought
you might like to take it out in trade."

He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in
her asshole and his thumb in her pussy and says, "All right, lady,
give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the
partition!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 21 Apr 1999 10:06:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Surd-Times: At The Party <adult>

Santa Singh is crazy about girls especially sexy and good looking
ones. One day his friend invites him for a Party and tells him that
many (sexy) girls are expected to come.

Santa buys a new Suit and Tie and just as he's about to get
started, he finds that one of his shoes has a big Hole.

Santa gets depressed with this but then thinks(!) and decides that
he'd get it rectified on the way to Party.

At the cobbler's place, it turns out otherwise -- the cobbler is
short of leather! Upon our Santa's insistence, the cobbler agrees
to fix the shoe using broken pieces of mirror instead. Poor Santa
Singh has but to agree.

So, he asks the Cobbler to do the same. And rushes to the Party.

In the party he soon finds some really sexy and very good looking
girls from Delhi and Chandigarh.

As expected, he gets attracted to a chick in a micro. A real bomb
shell. Getting more closer, our Santa discovers that Miss
BombShell's panty could be seen upon the reflection of his (mended)
shoe.

Our bold Santa immediately remarked "You are looking really sexy in
this blue dress of yours but the colour of the panty which is Red,
is not matching the dress colour."

The girl was stunned. How could this guy find out such a private
thing. She immediately turns to the Changing Room, and returns
wearing a matching panty... (a spare panty helps!)

Bold Santa remarks again, "Now it's O.K as the colour of your panty
is matching with your dress."

The girl asks Santa how can he visualise this thing. Then Santa
replies "I've some super natural powers... you can (ahem) wear any
panty and I'll tell it's colour."

Miss Curious had to find out. She goes to the changing room and
returns, wearing no panties... (she's obviously got only one spare
panty) And immediately asks our Santa to tell her the colour of her
panties.

Santa looks down upon his hidden mirror, and exclaims, "Darn! My
shoes got torn again!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 21:47:33 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Briefs-2 (Puns)

                      Tech Support

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good
point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his is working just fine."
             -------------------------------

                         Fishing

I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spend
fishing. A favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at
the edge of a stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it
and cast my line into one little eddy after another. I really
enjoyed ... those days of casting swirls before pine.
             -------------------------------

                  Stained Glass Windows

We were all in Chartres to see its famous Gothic cathedral.
Elizabeth mentioned that during both World Wars the exquisite
stained glass windows were taken down piece by piece and stored to
protect them from damage. Greg replied, "Wow! ... That must have
been a very panes-taking process!"
             -------------------------------

                     Treasure Hunting

A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an
ocean cove. he searched for hours with no luck. Finally he started
toward the shore. When He was about knee deep in the water he
tripped over an old strong box. he scooped it out and opened it. It
was full of gold coins! The Moral... Booty is only shin deep.
             -------------------------------

                      The Stationeer

"The entrepreneur was attempting to sell business supplies in
Scotland. He had no difficulty with finding out what kinds of
pencils they bought, paper, envelopes, etc., but with pens he
couldn't decide whether the expensive or inexpensive ones sold
best. So he hired a market researcher. After he had made a study,
he held up of them and said... "The Scotch take this pen, sir."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 22:36:46 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Literary yokings

Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the
works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.

Back to the books. The overall winner is also the Rookie of the
Week:

Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" --
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented
by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many
delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
(Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)

First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" --
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" --
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
(Mike Long, Burke)
               - - - - - - - - - -

               Honorable Mentions:

"2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane
10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose where
it don't belong.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"The Hunchback Also Rises" -- Hideously deformed fellow is
cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the
good news...
(John Verba, Washington)

"The Maltese Faulkner" -- Is the black bird a tortured symbol of
Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of
soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow,
mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?
(Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

"The Silence of the Hams" -- In this endearing update of the Seuss
classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his
friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.
(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and
left hand.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships
to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.
(Dave Pickering, Bowie)

"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" -- Having narrowly escaped a
Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe
of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as
living in it.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Catch-22 in the Rye" -- Holden learns that if you're insane,
you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking
out of prep school, you're probably not insane.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"Tarzan of the Grapes" -- The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl
are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to
grapevine.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Where's Walden?" -- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David
Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it
quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Looking for Mr. Godot" -- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to
enter her life. She has a looong wait.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" -- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to
prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to
India on a raft from Polynesia.
(David Laughton, Washington)

"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" -- William Faulkner and Sherwood
Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest
to nail every woman in his home town.
(Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)

          --from the Washington Post Invitational

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 22:43:57 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: More News

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

The NATO attacks on Yugoslavia continue. The sad thing about all
this is - a week ago the average American didn't even know where
Belgrade was. They finally learn where it is and now it's almost
gone. (Leno)

During the attacks, an F117 Stealth fighter was downed. When
President Clinton got the news, he was beside himself. Well,
actually he was beside an intern. (Letterman)

Last week, Russians angry over the bombings threw bottles at the US
Embassy. It was pretty ugly. In fact, they were throwing them as
fast as Yeltson could empty them. (Leno)

During a visit to Morocco, Hillary Clinton lectured on condoms and
birth control at a small village. Coincidentally, it was the same
lecture she gave to Bill before she left. (Leno)

Monica Lewinsky told People magazine that she has trouble keeping a
boyfriend. Maybe it has something to do with their wife finding out
about it...

Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala fended off an
attacker at an ATM. To protect herself, she fell to the ground in
the fetal position and started screaming and kicking. This is
something all women who work for Clinton are trained to do. (Leno)

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor turned 69. In kind of an
embarrassing moment at the party, Chief Justice Rehnquist showed up
wearing the same designer robe.

Democrats are gearing up for their convention in LA next year.
They've already contacted Disney to see if they can animate Al
Gore.

Gore recently turned 51. Can you imagine how boring he is? His
birthday suit is actually a suit. (Leno)

Jesse Jackson won't be running for president. He says the job has
changed a lot, and he doesn't think he's ready for the pressures of
dating. (O'Brien)

Hillary Clinton went on AOL to discuss White House pets. Mainly
Socks and Buddy, not the two legged dog she lives with.

President Clinton told a firefighter's association that as a kid,
all he wanted to be was a firefighter. Funny, that's what keeps
getting him into trouble - old flames.

Linda Tripp says she is considering writing a book about her role
in the Lewisnky scandal. I think the working title is, "I'm OK,
You're Gonna Have to Speak A Little Louder."

Dr. Jack Kevorkian was found guilty of second degree murder.
Apparently, he is very depressed, saying, "I've lost the will to
help people who've lost the will to love." (O'Brien)

The Senate is considering legislation to govern sweepstakes
advertising. Only politicians have the right to make promises they
can't keep.

New York City officials are proposing renaming the West Side
Highway after Joe DiMaggio. I'm sure the Yankee Clipper would be
proud to have his name on that potholed, garbage covered stretch of
hell. Thanks for the memories, Joe. (Miller)

CBS is set to buy King World, owners of Wheel of Fortune. The deal
calls for CBS to pay $2.5 billion for stock and a number of vowels
to be named later.

Miss Universe has become governor of Margarita Island. Her first
order of business? Looking for that lost shaker of salt.

Marilyn Manson canceled some shows after twisting his ankle.
Apparently, the Antichrist doesn't have as high a threshold of pain
as you might think. (SNL)

A federal judge has struck down a rule banning sex toys in Alabama.
Now there's a victory celebration you don't want to miss.

A study finds a surprising number of cartoon characters who smoke
or drink. There is hope, though. Many will soon be checking into
the Betty Fudd Clinic.

A judge ordered Wal-Mart to pay $3.2 million to a woman who was
wrongly accused of shoplifting. Of course, this means she'll never
have to shop at Wal-Mart again. (Leno)

A proposal is being studied in San Francisco which could make
credit card machines available for use by the homeless. Imagine the
commercial... If you go to San Francisco, bring a sweater, bring
your appetite, and bring your Visa because the wino doesn't take
excuses, and he doesn't take American Express. (Leno)

Naked pictures of Keith Richards are being circulated on the
internet. I bet Al Gore isn't bragging about inventing the internet
now.

McDonald's new Mega Mac is part of a foursome of Meal Deals.
There's the breakfast meal, the Happy Meal, the Mega Meal and the
last meal.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1999 to 21 Apr 1999
************************************************

