HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1999 to 20 Apr 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 726 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A *Really* Bad Day at the Office... [Adult Language]
  2. Life
  3. New Wave Bumper Stickers
  4. Viagra (mature)
  5. New Product
  6. British computers
  7. Military Time
  8. 50/50
  9. The Lion, and a couple of riddles.
     <adult, may be offensive to women and dog lovers>
 10. Humorous news in aviation
 11. Gullible pill seller
 12. Briefs-1 (Puns)
 13. Tips On Dating - Part 2/2 <adult>
 14. In The News

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 01:10:09 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: A *Really* Bad Day at the Office... [Adult Language]

FYI- The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing
Computer Systems employee.  The letter was sent to his sister.
"Brian" is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana.
Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember
this true story


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As
you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a
damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and
pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back,
so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. However, my butt is
not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the
dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were
laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before
I could come to the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit
and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream
and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The
cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily
have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward
side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of
me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to
shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the
office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little
more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Brian

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 03:25:56 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life

* What happens if the meaning of life never becomes clear...
  are we allowed to ask for an extension ?
                           - - - - -

* Thru the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit
  that really belongs to cold feet.
                           - - - - -

* It's awful hard for a Yuppie to believe someone is telling the
  truth when they'd lie if they were in the other person's place.
                           - - - - -

* One of life's hard and fast rules is that you can only find a
  butt in three places: walking behind someone, at the end of a
  gun/rifle and at the beginning of insky.
                           - - - - -

* Let's face it -- some people are just born lazy.  The doctor gave
  one of my neighbors some medicine & told him to take a teaspoon-
full before he went to bed.  The guy used 4 bottles last week.
                           - - - - -

* A young couple, in debt up to their ears, approached the girl's
  rich Uncle for a loan.  The Uncle, seeing little chance of ever
  recovering his money from them said, "Cheer-up kids.  At least
  you're not one of your creditors."
                           - - - - -

*   Lee Daniel Quinn publishes an e-mail humor list dealing with
  words; their usage, definitions, etc.  He once told me that I
  should add a few new words to my vocabulary every day.
    I replied, "Lee, if I did, in a couple of months, everyone on
  the HumorList would wonder who in the hell was impersonating me."

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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 06:50:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Wave Bumper Stickers

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 07:14:37 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Viagra (mature)

The following are the top ten marketing slogans being considered
for Viagra:

10) Viagra, The quicker dicker upper.

 9) Viagra, One-a-day, like iron.

 8) Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

 7) Viagra, Home of the Whopper.

 6) Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em.

 5) Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

 4) Viagra, Tastes great, more filling.

 3) Viagra, Ten inches long... and growing.

 2) Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

     ...and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

 1) This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra.
    Any questions?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 08:15:39 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: New Product

     "FEMAIL: A New Product to Replace E-Mail!"

Product Announcement: Introducing FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs
considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you
scratching your head in wonder.  From your minimal communications
with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are
(and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating
with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually
whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications
with friends and associates.  Your FeMail will intercept incoming
communications from all sources and make a determination as to
whether or not they should be relayed to you.  The FeMail is
especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail
systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as
content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for
intention by your FeMail.  Any messages that will reduce your
productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or
parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than
two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can
no longer be acted upon.  A true productivity increase is then
possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use
this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your
comprehension.  Often times the FeMail responses you receive will
be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were
heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with
the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas were a FeMail is
installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than
attempting to justify opposing logic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation,
Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize),
Inflection, and Encryption.  (The encryption package is
particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance
of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that
a FeMail makes possible.  Once the FeMail begins working in your
daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to
avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a
single user interface in most cases.  The instructions included
with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other
Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact
with someone elses FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most
certainly not in an interactive mode.  The FeMail communications
links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if
you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction.
Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be
considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off
from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required,
there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your
FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle,
your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and
offensive or interpretive language removed.  The FeMail may
misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short
time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured
since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this
minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data
indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can
loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to
the communications process.  You will find these recollections and
associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of
the FeMail system.

Obtain FeMail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it
will make in your life!!!!

          --via The Mouthpiece

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 11:00:29 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: British computers

Q: Why are there no British computers?

A: They haven't quite figured out how to make them leak oil yet!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 14:28:25 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Military Time

A crusty old Cavalry Colonel found himself at a gala event
downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse
me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way
all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "it
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy
yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't
that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 21:30 now!"

          --via Joke-l

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 13:42:01 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: 50/50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, & an extra
drink cup.  As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one
for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife.  The old man then began to eat, and his
wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young man
decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no.  We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she
replied, "Not yet.  It's his turn with the teeth...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 15:11:00 EDT
From:    Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Lion, and a couple of riddles.
         <adult, may be offensive to women and dog lovers>

A lion is drinking from a puddle with his tail up. A gorilla walks
up behind him and gives it to him from behind. The gorilla takes
off running and the lion, mad as hell gives chase. The gorilla runs
into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit
and pith helmet, grabs a copy of the "Johannesburg Times", sits
down, and starts to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and
roars, "Arrrgg! Did a gorilla come running through here?"

The gorilla asks, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the
ass?"

The lion says, "My god! You mean it's in the paper already?"
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Did you hear about the Tempura House?

It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Do you know why a dog licks its butt?

Because he knows that in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 16:00:47 -0500
From:    Tom Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Humorous news in aviation

THE KLM 440: KLM Airlines is scrambling to deal with public outrage
over the deaths of 440 squirrels that arrived from China without
the proper papers.  KLM said it was forced to feed the live
critters into a meat-processing machine after it couldn't find
anyone to take the squirrels and couldn't keep them.  The airline
later apologized, admitting to a "grave mistake on ethical
grounds."
                    
(It could have been worse -- one of those squirrels could have had
 his funny-talking moose friend with him on that flight...)
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ground: "12 Alpha, turn right on Hotel, taxi to parking.  Bear
         left, disabled aircraft on the right."

12 Alpha: "Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, looking
           for the bear."


     --from AVflash via the AVweb group
       an online aviation newsletter

Copyright (C) 1999, The AVweb Group <http://www.avweb.com>:

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 10:16:08 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Gullible pill seller

Background:

In Hong Kong many people are hypochondriacs and there is a great
belief in medicine - whether Western or Oriental - curing every-
thing. There is also a lot of unofficial/illegal doctors and
suppliers of medicine - particularly when the pills come from
China. Over the last couple of years we've had a number of scares
in the region about new viruses and so people are getting fairly
paranoid. This scenario is seen as an ideal opportunity for making
money.

Radio report today (Tsuen Wan is a district in Hong Kong):

A woman in Tsuen Wan had fallen for the old magical pill con and
handed over $32000 (US$4000) for some magical pills which she was
told could be sold on for $600 per pill.  The wonderful bit this
time is that rather than being a cure for cancer of some such like
they usually are, this time the woman was told that these pills
were guaranteed to *cure the millennium bug*

          --thanks to Bob Butcher

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 20:34:47 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Briefs-1 (Puns)

                    The Skunks

Animal control was hunting the family of skunks living in an attic
(for capture and release in the wild). When the fight or flight
response kicked in, the religious mama skunk quietly said...
"Children, let us spray."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                  The New Church

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine
old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task
that was completed successfully. The local news heralded...
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    The Will

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious
enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office,
he threw his will on the table and said... "This needs an heircut."

          --by P. C. Swanson in The Punster
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    The Bank

The new bank didn't have enough funds to construct a safe place to
keep it's money. Until it had accumulated the necessary funds, it
used a temporary storage location and... took out no-vault
insurance.

          --by P. C. Swanson in The Punster
          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                    The Butcher

A man walks into a butcher shop and orders a pound of sausages. The
butcher prepares the order, then says, "I bet you the price of
those sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off the
shelf behind me." The man regards the shelf carefully, then says:
"I'm not betting... The steaks are too high".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:35:03 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Tips On Dating - Part 2/2 <adult>

[Continued..]

12. Girls like walled enclosures. Cars are not the ideal places but
    if she agrees, don't stop (especially if it is her car); But
    don't do it all. You might be pulled over by cops when the car
    starts zigzagging. You cannot convince even Dumb cops by faking
    a cardiac arrest with your dick sticking out ramrod errect

13. Try getting her to a hotel room or a friends house as early as
    possible (fully dressed,of Course!)

14. Try not to tear her underwear; They are bloody expensive and
    will eventually cost you a fortune buying replacements.

15. Control your urge to turn her over. Always try doing her the
    'Sunny-Side-Up' (The side with her Boobs facing you)

16. Allow her to guide you in; Chances of your entering the wrong
    hole or missing totally are 98%.

17. Do it with Condoms only. Use two at a time; They are cheaper
    than an abortion three months later. Also no tension for you.

18. Do not play Hide and Seek all over the house in your birthday
    suits;  A simple underwear is OK.

19. Do not wrestle or try fantasy Fucks; She might faint, then it
    will cost you a fortune in doctor bills.

20. Boobs are meant to be licked, smooched and caressed; You can
    always box, pinch and squeeze a pillow after she has left.

21. If she was not good, control your urge to kick her butt;
    instead bid goodbye, even a lousy lay is better than jerking
    off all alone.

22. That you have laid her already; set your eyes on her sister or
    her friend (They will be easier to bed, now that you know one
    of their species)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 22:23:34 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News

          In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
                  Includes some late night humor

WARNING - may be offensive to gays, confused boxing promoters and
          Blue Springs MO drivers.

NATO war planes are bombing sites in Yugoslavia. Funny, I didn't
even know Clinton was dating again. (Leno)

Hillary Clinton is still considering whether she should run for the
Senate. To show how serious she is, yesterday she held a press
conference to deny that she ever slept with the president.
(Letterman)

In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying, "Run Hillary, Run"
has appeared. Republicans are putting it on their FRONT bumper.

Lamar Alexander is officially running for president. If you're not
sure who he is, try to picture Al Gore without the charisma. His
campaign slogan is, "He couldn't get an intern if he tried." (Leno)

Monica Lewinsky told Barbara Walters she'd like to eventually
settle down with a husband. Be careful ladies, it could be YOUR
husband. (Leno)

Lewinsky also said that if she ever gets the infamous blue dress
back she'll burn it. "Great," Clinton says, "NOW she wants to burn
it." (Daily Scoop)

Linda Tripp is back at work in the Pentagon in the public affairs
office, which is not to be confused with her hobby: making affairs
public.

For the ninth year in a row, an Irish gay and lesbian organization
was banned from marching in New York City's St. Patrick's Day
parade. On the bright side, they were invited to a huge keg party
at Tinky Winky's. (O'Brien)

Unveiling plans to reduce traffic congestion, Vice President Al
Gore said special summits will be held in Atlanta, San Francisco,
Detroit and Blue Springs, MO. Yeah, you sure don't want to get
caught up in that Blue Springs congestion. Sometimes it takes 10
minutes to move the tractor from the pasture to the barn.

A study found that California leads the nation in road rage. We're
number 1, we're number 1! At least, that's what I think those
people are saying when they stick that finger out the window...

Gore is also proposing an N11 number similar to 911, except it'll
provide information like traffic congestion and bus schedules. If
it works they'll add a P11, if you need the location of the nearest
restroom. (Daily Scoop)

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These
companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive
a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most
popular of these scams is called Social Security. (SNL)

The Army is considering using environmentally friendly bullets that
contain no lead. The last thing you want are bullets that are bad
for you. (Leno)

Afghanistan's rulers, the Taliban, have banned leather jackets in
the country. If they want to keep warm, they will have to use,
well... afghans. (Daily Scoop)

A group of lawyers used OJ Simpson in a series of commercials for
the group's 800 number. How bad is your image when you need OJ to
improve it? (Leno)

McDonald's is coming out with a calorie laden Mega Mac. To give you
an idea of how big this thing is, it still has hooves on it. (Leno)

The meal deal comes with a heart defibrillator.

The maker of Crayola crayons is asking for suggestions to rename
the politically incorrect color Indian red. Martha Stewart
suggested Indian magenta. How about European Land-Grabber red.

President Clinton says he wants high school students to attend
school longer. I think he got the idea from 90210.

To explain the controversial decision in the Lewis-Holyfield fight,
promoter Don King said, "saying what it should be does not say what
it was, and what it was supposed to be." He then clarified his
statement, adding, "It could have been, if it had been, but it
wasn't, because it's not," adding, "Only in America," and then, as
far as I can tell, reciting the lyrics to "Louie, Louie."

NASA is scheduling a shuttle mission with five women and no men. At
least this way, if they get lost someone will stop and ask for
directions.

Pope John Paul II has a CD and music video out. The highlight of
the video is when the Pope tears up a picture of Sinead O'Connor.
(SNL)

Singer George Jones is recovering from an auto accident, and Keith
Richards called to wish him well. He's still heavily medicated and
can barely talk, but Jones understood him anyway. (Leno)

A Web site is displaying naked pictures of Keith Richards. I think
the address is www.InTheNameOfGodNo!.com

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has signed a $500,000 deal to
write a book, which is pretty good considering she's never read
one.

Amtrak is scheduling 150 mph trains on the East Coast. Sort of
seems like they ought to master the 60 mph ones, first.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1999 to 20 Apr 1999
************************************************

