HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1999 to 19 Apr 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 360 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Puns from the Archives
  2. Druggie Bear <pun>
  3. Silly Signs Actually Seen
  4. The Dairy Farmer
  5. The Y2K Song
  6. Tips On Dating - Part 1/2 <adult>
  7. Off the Wire

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 03:59:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Puns from the Archives

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Sat, 17 Jun 1995 18:07:40 -0400
        From:    Lex Friedman <LexySexy@AOL.COM>
        Subject: Koala Hair Tea

A man with a fatal disease was told by his doctor there was one
cure: the sick man needed to go to an Austrailian hospital, named
the Mercy Hospital to be cured.  There, the doctor said, the man
would receive a tea made from koala bear hairs that would cure him.

The man flies to Australia and locates Mercy Hospital.  The nurse
gives him the tea.  The man sees actual koala hairs in it and asks
the nurse to please strain it.

The nurse replies: "The Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Thu, 22 Jun 1995 07:23:45 +0600
        From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@NS.EMASS.COM>
        Subject: The Biologist Problem

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped.  He had spent months
studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.  Despite all
efforts at predator control, population was declining at an
alarming rate.

Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to
see if anyone there might be able to help.  Tom Trom looked into
the problem and came up with a solution.  The little frogs had
succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.  Tom brewed up a
new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most
critically, one part sodium.  "You mean...?"  said Jim.

"Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 07:41:10 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Druggie Bear <pun>

Scenario: Big black bear walks into a bar in British Columbia,
          Canada and sits up at the bar.

Black Bear: "A beer please, bartender."

Bartender: "We don't serve big, black bears beer in bars!"

Black Bear  "Come on. just one."

Bartender: "I'll tell you once more. We don't serve big, black
            bears beer in bars!"

Black Bear: "If you don't give me a beer, I'll go and eat the girl
             sitting at the end of this bar."

Scenario: No beer.  Bear eats girl sitting at bar!

Bartender: "I told you we don't serve big, black bears beer in
            bars, especially one on drugs."

Black Bear: "I don't do drugs!"

Bartender: "Yes you do...  that was a bar bitch you ate!"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 10:34:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Silly Signs Actually Seen

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight
years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal church"

Outside a country shop in West Virginia: "We buy junk and sell
antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits
$100, they won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not
activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude
ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about our plans
for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be
cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon: "Are you an adult that
cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under
water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: "No trespassing
without permission."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: "Ask about our plans
for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be
cheated, when you can come here?"

At a number of US military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized
personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's
time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with
16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 15:57:18 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Dairy Farmer

You see, the place where I grew up in Central New York State was
serious farming country -- apple, dairy, and other fruits such as
berries were the biggest items. Well, there was one farmer, name of
Mayne, who consistently won the state prizes for the best milk and
milk products. He was quite successful financially, and his farm
was large enough that he needed a small helicopter to get around
it.

One day, some officials from the State Dairy Board dropped in to
talk to him. The Chairman, his Assistant, and Mr. Mayne all got in
the helicopter and took a flying tour of the pastures. As they were
flying by, the Chairman noted that despite the huge acreage, many
of the cows were congregated in one pasture, whose ground cover was
much darker green than the rest.

The Chairman asked about this, and Mr. Mayne replied "Oh, yes.
That's part of my secret, you see. Some years ago I bought out part
of the land belonging to one of my neighbors, who was a fruit
farmer. Anyway, he'd planted strawberries, and I just let the cows
eat them, intending to replant later. Well, the cows that had been
pastured out there produced much more milk, and of higher quality,
that I planted more berries for them to eat, and you have seen the
results."

The Chairman nodded, and said "I should have realized that -- it
makes sense... strawberry fields for heifer."

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 19:40:24 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: The Y2K Song

                "TWO DIGITS FOR A DATE "
(To be sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)

        Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
        Of the doom that is our fate.
        That started when programmers used
        Two digits for a date.
        Two digits for a date.

        Main memory was smaller then;
        Hard disks were smaller, too.
        "Four digits are extravagant,
        So let's get by with two.
        So let's get by with two."

        "This works through 1999,"
        The programmers did say.
        "Unless we rewrite before that
        It all will go away.
        It all will go away."

        But Management had not a clue:
        "It works fine now, you bet!
        A rewrite is a straight expense;
        We won't do it just yet.
        We won't do it just yet."

        Now when 2000 rolls around
        It all goes straight to @#%&,
        For zero's less than ninety-nine,
        As anyone can tell.
        As anyone can tell.

        The mail won't bring your pension check
        It won't be sent to you
        When you're no longer sixty-eight,
        But minus thirty-two.
        But minus thirty-two.

        The problems we're about to face
        Are frightening, for sure.
        And reading every line of code's
        The only certain cure.
        The only certain cure.

        [key change, big finish]

        There's not much time,
        There's too much code.
        (And Cobol-coders, few)
        When the century is finished with,
        We may be finished, too.
        We may be finished, too.

        Eight thousand years from now I hope
        That things weren't left too late,
        And people aren't then lamenting
        Four digits for a date.
        Four digits for a date.


http://www.newbie.net/JumpStations/StevenWright/

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 1999 09:33:38 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Tips On Dating - Part 1/2 <adult>

 1. Gals like to laugh. Try to make them giggle but wear dark
    Sunglasses or a cap that covers your face if others are
    watching.

 2. Don't Beg all out on your knees for a date: She will understand
    you have nothing to else to do.

 3. Be a little arrogant on the phone: This way they might respect
    you.

 4. Try to have the gals call you up: It saves your phone bills.

 5. Do not suggest a movie on your very first date: She might get
    the right notion you are trying to get her to a dark area for
    other things.

 6. No gals eyes are not on her breasts & Butt: Do not stare at
    those spots; especially when she is with you.

 7. Try keeping your paws off her: It might give her a secure
    feeling.

 8. Nothing more than Handshakes: till the first 5 dates.

 9. Try a slight peck on her cheek on the 6th. If a slap follows
    abort mission till the 15th date.But keep trying.  Maybe she
    will allow you to fondle & kiss her breasts after the 16th
    date.

10. A slight hand around the small of her back if allowed to stay
    is a very encouraging sign: Do not jump for her Boobs. Try her
    butt first.

11. If she doesnt jerk off your hand, Man she's all it. You got it
    going. Start off with light kisses; On the lips of course you
    nut! Stupid.

[To be concluded]

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Date:    Sun, 18 Apr 1999 21:06:25 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Off the Wire

                        OFF THE WIRE
                 News We Just Couldn't Pass Up

Chinese authorities have forbidden the use of polyester in national
flags used for celebrations of the 50th anniversary of the founding
of the Communist state.

When Pamela Bowers looked out of her kitchen window she was stunned
to see her border collie Brenna's kennel flying through the air --
with the dog in it.  A freak tornado near Sudbury in eastern
England lifted the kennel and a dozing Brenna about three feet in
the air and sent them spinning about 20 feet.  The dog was shaken
but unhurt.

What do you get when you mix topless dancing with house cleaning?
Charlene Benavidez of Santa Fe, N.M., has proposed an unorthodox
maid service, saying she has five friends eager to start work
seminude or in bikinis.  Lawyers say they can't find anything in
the city law against the proposal.

A Sco Paulo, Brazil resident reeled when his bank rang him over his
March telephone bill.  It totaled $43 million.  After a hasty call,
the Sco Paulo telephone company mailed him a correct bill for just
$31.

Firefighters were called in to evict a family of rattlesnakes that
had slithered across the ceilings and walls of Brazil's Justice
Ministry for two weeks fraying the nerves of anxious civil
servants.

Rio de Janeiro has one of the world's worst telephone systems, but
Francisco de Assis Ferreira Neto stopped complaining the day his
cellular telephone stopped a stray bullet headed for his chest. 
"This is the lucky telephone.  Thanks to it I'm alive," the cab
driver said.


          --from The Seattle Times, April 17, 1999
            Compiled by Ivan Weiss, 

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1999 to 19 Apr 1999
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