HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1999 to 18 Apr 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 305 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two from the Archives <adult>
  2. bits .n. "boobs"
  3. The Life Of An Egg
  4. "That's not what I meant when I said
     'Let's hit the Quickie Mart.'"
  5. Semi-isdainful comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. PUNY Riddles of the Week
  7. TaX Day Song

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 03:58:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Two from the Archives <adult>

There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives.
In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available
of 1996-1998 mailings.  The URL's are listed daily in my posts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Fri, 12 May 1995 20:42:16 EDT
        From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
        Subject: Cured <off. to gays>

Fearful of AIDS & fed up with his gay lifestyle, a homosexual
went to a psychiatrist for treatment.  The psychiatrist said
his problems were so deep rooted, it would require extensive
analysis & many months of treatment before he would be cured.

After almost two years of treatment the psychiatrist said,
"You've made remarkable progress. As a matter of fact it's my
opinion that you are now ready to take your rightful place as
a functioning member of normal society."

"Oh, doctor," cried the patient, "your good news has made me
so happy I could kiss you!"

"No, no," said the psychiatrist, "don't do that... in fact,
I really shouldn't be laying here on the couch with you."

                --Lyle's Joke Boutique
                - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

        Date:    Sat, 13 May 1995 13:42:07 EDT
        From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
        Subject: Nightgown <off. to senior citizens>

A young woman is shopping at the mall and asks for 5 yards of
chiffon to make a nightgown.  The clerk says, "You certainly
won't need 5 yards for a nightgown."

"Oh yes I will," the young woman says, "I'm marrying this old
guy and he has more fun hunting that he does finding."

                --Lyle's Joke Boutique

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
   (text)  http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
    (zip)  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 07:40:52 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: bits .n. "boobs"

               bits .n. "boobs"
               by Harlee Mahmet

WHEN IT COMES to buying undergarments, men will just never
understand. Why should they? I mean, it doesn't take a lot of
thought or effort to buy a jock strap, does it? It's a necessity.
Men buy necessities. Finished. Enough said. You go in the store,
find the "jock strap rack," and pick the one that fits your waist
size (which I'll never understand.  I mean, you're not buying it
to support your waist, are you?) Anyway, that's all it takes. Pick
one up, go pay and leave. Goodbye. End of discussion. Five minutes
the most.

For women, on the other hand, it's a major crisis bordering on the
need for therapy. I think it's easier to buy a car forchristsake.

Let's take yesterday, for instance. I needed some new bras because
I gained weight and the old ones were now too small.  (Let's not go
there, okay? We can discuss fat another time.  Call me when you're
ready.) Took me an hour and a half to come out with a brassiere I
could declare "properly fit."

Now, what exactly does "properly fit mean?" It means I could stuff
the goods inside without cutting off the circulation to anything I
may need to use again at some point; like a heart for instance.
Let me tell you, tarring a roof in the middle of summer produces
less sweat!

Now, did I want an underwire, comfortwire, no wire, barbed wire?
Did I need a 40D, 40DD, 42D, 42DD, or the dreaded 40E, which one
can only find next to the refrigerators? Rotating your tires
without a jack is less of a hassle!

Now, if size was the only consideration, we'd be home free. But
NOOOOOOOO! Each different brand's size fits differently.  So if
I tried on a Bali, I needed 40DD. A Lilyette was up there at 42D;
and Olga... well don't even ask! With an Olga, you need a hand
truck just to take one to the fitting room! These are industrial
strength, for the "full figured" woman. (Translation  Built like
a hippo only twice as wrinkled.)

Now, if you're lucky enough to actually find one that fits, is
comfortable and doesn't cost more than a dinner at Elaine's, your
next chore is finding this gargantuan sized garment in the right
color. At least you don't have to sweat that. In my size your
choice is white. So, after two and a half hours trying on about
3000 brassieres, and sweating like Michael Jordan on a good day,
I came away with the ONE they had in my size, brand, style and
price range. Mission Accomplished!

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I tackle the panties, and they fight back!


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 09:53:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Life Of An Egg

             So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is... you only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

Now don't you feel better!!!???

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 10:24:36 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: "That's not what I meant when I said
         'Let's hit the Quickie Mart.'"

This is my re-write from an actual news article in the Raliegh, NC,
News and Observer:

Heather Beckwith, 18; Curtis Johnson, 19; Michael Guilbault, 19;
and Justin Lowery, 17, drove around Raleigh, N.C., looking for a
store to rob, the prosecutors said.  Once they chose a spot,
Heather and Curtis hid the car in a dark spot while Guilbault and
Lowery went in to rob the store.  When they came out, they found
Heather and Curtis in the getaway car, in the dark, with the doors
locked, "steaming up the windows," Assistant DA Jeffrey Cruden
said.  The couple told Guilbault and Lowery to "be patient."  Once
the couple "completed the act" they unlocked the doors.  But by
then witnesses had a good description of the car and the four were
quickly rounded up and arrested.  Johnson and Lowery were charged
with robbery and are awaiting trial.  Guilbault has pleaded guilty
to robbery; and Ms. Beckwith has pleaded guilty to being an
accessory after the fact.


http://www.newbie.net/JumpStations/SmileyFAQ.html

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 12:58:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-isdainful comments & questions about contemporary
life

Has anyone notice that Milosevic looks remarkably like Newt?

Why don't we just swap Kosovo for Arkansas and be done with it?

Thanks to NATO, I guess I'll never get the parts for my Yugo that I
ordered.

I figured out why we are bombing Kosovo - all of our cruise
missiles and smart bombs are not Y2K compliant, so we need to use
them up before the end of the year.


Bumper sticker: "Driver carries no cash; he is married."

I have a question about cul-de-sacs. Are they plastic or paper?

They call it "rush hour" because several hours rush by while you
are sitting still.

You never know what true happiness is until you are married, and
then it is too late.

My friend says no to everything. He's a persistent resistant.

We spend half our lives working for things we could have if we
didn't spend half our lives working.

I love it when inconsiderate drivers zoom in and out of lanes or
drive on the shoulder to pass you only to meet you again at the
next red light.

It is not that customer service has gone down, it is that customer
stupidity has gone up.

The older you get, the harder it is for you to lose weight because
your body and your blubber become bosom buddies.

My wife is in California this week on business, leaving me to take
care of our 2-year-old and 5-year-old. There must be a special
place in heaven for single mothers and fathers.

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there.

I recently visited Graceland, and I left with one enduring thought:
Elvis is buried in the back yard like a darn hamster.


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 21:30:32 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles of the Week

156. When God was creating the world, what famous actor got the
subcontract to manufacture no less than 999,999 crustacean cases
with which to litter the earth's beaches?

157. What city residents might make the best astronauts?

158. What is the favorite song of a young country boy who heads
for the big city, seeking to reap great profit by working for a
national computer company?

159. Why shouldn't you visit a doctor if you have had a stuffy nose
for half a fortnight?

160. What do female legumes & sweet potatoes experience every month
that makes them so irritable?

Movie of the Week
7: Kevin Costner stars as the young V.P Quayle during his college
days, when the frat brat went out in his long johns and scarf to do
some Xmas caroling, in:

Book of the Week
5: Hilton s novel about the resurrection of a fallen woman.


                    - - - - - - - - - 
                       (Answers)


156. Makes a million shells (By Gary Hallock)

157. Seattle-ites (By Lars Hanson)

158. Farmer in the Dell (By David Bunch)

159. Because it is only one week old. (one wee cold)
     (By Stan Kegel)

160.  Pea Yam Ess (By Gary Hallock)

Movie of the Week
7: Dan Sings With Wools (By Guy Ben-Moshe)

Book of the Week
5: Lost Whore Risin  (By Stan Kegel)

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 23:52:14 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: TaX Day Song

                  THEY COME ON APRIL 15TH DEAR
             (Tune:  It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)

They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.

Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1999 to 18 Apr 1999
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