HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1999 to 17 Apr 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 609 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The 90's
  2. The fox pass
  3. Sad, So Sad
  4. Quotations
  5. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. to most>
  6. Would You Like to Join...?
  7. "Q2K,Q2K!"  Former VP Throws Hat in Ring (Political content)
  8. Pollen humor
  9. Why?
 10. Bagpipe Bashing
 11. The Pier (Pun)
 12. Alaskan Outhouses (Pun)
 13. More Origins... <clean>

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 04:16:28 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The 90's

* Parents, don't despair if your kid's room is both dirty and
  cluttered.  Now, you can get an EPA grant to clean it up.
                           - - - - -

* These days it's very difficult to take a middle-of-the-road
  position -- you can get run over from either direction.
                           - - - - -

* A girl tells her roommate about her latest beau: "You won't
  believe this, but we met in the strangest way -- we were
  introduced."
                           - - - - -

* During an interview, the SuperModel said she got her "looks"
  from her Father. What she failed to mention was... her Father
  is a plastic surgeon.
                           - - - - -

* I bought a new jacket from one of those discount warehouses. I
  won't say it was made of cheap material, but when I wore it
  yesterday, it shrank two inches -- and it was only cloudy out.
                           - - - - -

* A despondent gent called the Suicide Hotline and explained his
  problems.  He said he was seriously considering ending it all.
  After a pause, a voice on the other end asked, "Whatever are
  you waiting for ?"
                           - - - - -

*   A Yuppette was grocery shopping with her six-year-old.  The
  lil' boy reached an attractive package from the shelf & asked
  if they could try it.
    The Yuppette took one look at the box and replied, "No dear.
  You have to cook that."

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:41:54 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The fox pass

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a
large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain.  With this
money he set about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He puchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish
border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to
live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of.  Foremost
of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who
assisted his master in every way he could to better himself.  The
master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social
situation, or to explain a new term.

Oe day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked,
"Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'  I'll give you an
example.  Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom
stayed for the weekend?  And do you remember how on Sunday morning
Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?  And do you further
remember how later, at breakfast, Lady plushbottom asked her
husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear?" & you said "Christ!"
and I dropped the marmalade?  That, Sir, was a faux pas."


http://www.catweasel.org/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 06:14:32 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Sad, So Sad

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly.  On his face was the saddest
hangdog expression.  The bartender asked, "What's the matter?  Are
you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't
going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "No, the month is up today!"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:13:10 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Quotations

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
 boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
                                             --Christopher Case

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
 say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
 mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
                                             --Ellen DeGeneres

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
 pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
 spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
 everybody?"                                 --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
 the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
 trying to teach you how to swim.'"          --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
 in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
 Do tall people burn slower?"                --Warren Hutcherson

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
 skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
 Duh."                                       --Conan O'Brien

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
 use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
 That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
 from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
                                             --Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
 that's how dogs spend their lives."         --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
 is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
 best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
                                             --Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
 the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
                                             --Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
 violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
 bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
 Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
                                             --Jerry Seinfeld

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:02:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. to most>

Q: What do you call a cockroach in a matchbox?
A: Mexican Tamagotchi.
          -----------------------

Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant in town?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you are hungry for power.
          -----------------------

With the recent problems between NATO and Serbia, the French Prime
Minister strongly stated that in the event of a war, the French
will absolutly pee in their panties and hide under their beds.
          -----------------------

A man and his nephew were playing a game of chess. In desperation
the nephew mockingly tried to cheat. In a poor imitation of an
Italian gangster his uncle said, "You want I should beat you up?"

He replied in turn, "I'll kill you first."

"Ah," I replied. "The Sicilian Defense."
          -----------------------

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated
to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first
suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
"Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all
this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I
traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest
rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to
Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls
vere the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel
or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife'."

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the
second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone
likes to give..."
          -----------------------

A captain of a Scottish regiment barges into a chemist's. He's in
full regalia: kilt, waistcoat, tam o'shanter, leggings. He marches
up to the counter and plops down a very bedraggled sheepskin
condom. "How much fer a new one?" he demands.

The chemist pokes at it and says, "Four pounds."

The captain frowns. "How much to repair it?"

The chemist thinks. "Two pounds."

The captain says, "I'll be back," and marches out of the store.

An hour later he barges back in and says: "The lads of the regiment
have voted for a new one."
          -----------------------

When you cross the border on your way south From Canada, you can
see an ad saying: "Welcome to the U.S.of A: We've got Bob Hope,
Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder"

On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to
Canada; here we have no Hope, no Cash... no Wonder!
          -----------------------

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of
drinkin' mother fuckers.   I'll give $500 American dollars to
anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man
even leaves.  Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.  Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind
me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 09:52:54 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Would You Like to Join...?

          So How About It? Would You Like to Join...

The Agoraphobic Society? Only if they meet at my house

The Alzheimer's Club? Forget it.

The Anti-perspirant Club? Sure. Unless it's banned.

The Arafat Club? Yes sir.

The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?

The Compulsive Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.

The Ford-Nixon Club? Pardon me!

The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.

The Groucho Marx Club? You bet your life.

The Japanese Theater Club? Noh.

The Peter Pan Club? Never. Never.

The Prayer Group? God willing!

The Pregnancy Club? It's conceiveable.

The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe next month...

The Quarterback Club? I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler Club? I don't give a damn.

The Self Esteem Builders? Oh, they wouldn't want me.

The Spanish Optometrists Club? Si. Si.

The Yoko Club? Oh no.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 13:36:48 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: "Q2K,Q2K!"  Former VP Throws Hat in Ring (Political
content)

Former Vice President Dan Quayle announced he's running for the 
Presidency in 2000.  Terry M. Neal of The Washington Post reported
on the rally in Huntington, Indiana on Wednesday,  

I. VP Quayle will stress "values and morality."  He will target
the "self-annointed" elites of the 60s-era who "have mocked people
of faith as fanatics, derided patriotism and obscured truth."
(Quote from Mr. Neal's article.)

II. "Remember, Murphy Brown is gone, and I still hear fighting
for the American people."   (V.P. Quayle quote)

III. "We are at the end of a dishonest decade of Bill Clinton and
Al Gore."   (V.P. Quayle quote)

Well, what have we got in the new Dan Quayle campaign?

III. "dishonest decade" It's great to see that the VP has spent the
6 years he's been out of office bringing his math skills up to the
same level as his orthographic skills, or has it been a decade?

II. "Murphy Brown is gone"  Is it necessary to point out that, as a
fictional character, she never 'was'?  But, his renewed attacks may
up the value of the show's syndication rights.

I. 'mocked people of faith as fanatics'  Yeah!  Let's take a close
look at the nominally Christian sect to which Marilyn belongs.  I
mean, have they accepted the XIX Amendment to the U.S. Constitution
yet? (Note: XVIII was Prohibition, XIX is women's suffrage)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 16:48:41 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Pollen humor

When people mate, I wonder if trees get allergies

You know you are living in the South when the springtime pollen is
thicker than the winter snow.

Wish I wasn't living in the land of pollen
My nose i5tches, and my eyes are swollen
Sneeze away! Sneeze away! Sneeze away, Dixieland.

Who counts all of those tiny pollen particles?

I have breathed so much pollen that I have a tree growing out of my
nose.

There is far too much pollen. My dog came in with a yellow nose.

Don't stop. A moving car gathers no pollen.

Okay, enough! The plant world takes its once-a-year opportunity to
enjoy those procreative powers and all we can do is complain. Let
the nice plants have a little fun!


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 17:58:00 -0400
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Why?

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The
American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch
more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your
time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with
my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.  You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger
boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several
boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead
of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control
the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave
this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA
and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then?

The American laughed and said that's the best part.  When the time
is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to
the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions..  Then what?


The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play
with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village
in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with
your amigos."

          --thanks to Jim Smith

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 18:35:25 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Bagpipe Bashing

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
          ----------------------

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
   any of the ducks.
          ----------------------

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are
   upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
          ----------------------

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
   directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune
   bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you
   have been hallucinating.
          ----------------------

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and
   dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road
   and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording
   session.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
          ----------------------

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
          ----------------------

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
          ----------------------

If you took all the bagpipers in the world & laid them end to end--
it would be a good idea.
          ----------------------

Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
          ----------------------

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
          ----------------------

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
          ----------------------

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
          ----------------------

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with
the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the
back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late --
someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!

          ----thanks to Katherine Boswell

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 18:47:46 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Pier (Pun)

John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon
when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided
to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest .

Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to
the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used
to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the
slats?''

John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the
slits.''

So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One
slat!''

Mary counted, "One slit!''

"Two slats!''

"Two slits!''

And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John
and Mary approached the end of the dock.

"327 slats!''

"327 slits!''

"328 slats!''

They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled.

"John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?''

John turned to Mary and said... "When you're out of slits, you're
out of pier."

          --from Gilbert Krebs

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 1999 22:45:03 -0500
From:    Tom Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Alaskan Outhouses (Pun)

In Alaska during the construction of the pipeline from the North
Slope to Valdez there were many obstacles: importing food from the
lower forty eight, providing shelter for the workers on the
pipeline, and providing proper sanitation.

Many outhouses were built out of the local birch trees. These
outhouses were legendary for their warmth (they were heated),
quality of construction, and durability in the tough nine-month
Alaska winter.  While the Alaska pipeline workers were well treated
and well paid, many a worker's fondest memories were of those
sturdy little wooden outhouses along the pipeline.

After the pipeline was completed in the seventies and most of the
workers returned to the lower 48 states, a society was formed to
commemorate those little wooden outhouses.  It is called........
"THE BIRCH JOHN SOCIETY."

          --by my brother, Brad Keller

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 1999 09:48:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: More Origins... <clean>

Shakespeare: I've completed my new drama!I'm a bit unsure about the
             title though...

Heathaway: What's the title you've chosen?

Shakespeare: "Julius, run after her and try to catch her"!

Heathaway: Why don't you just name it Julius Caesar?

And that, my friends, is how...

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1999 to 17 Apr 1999
************************************************

