HUMOR Digest - 15 Apr 1999 to 16 Apr 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 591 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. JimJr's Observations
  2. Top5 - 4/15/99 - Stories in the C&W Bible
  3. Ralph's Medical Problem  <adult>
  4. New Baseball Rules
  5. Tax Time <adult>
  6. Group Photo
  7. The Ten Reasons God Created Eve
  8. New Hope for Kosovo or is that No Hope? (May Offend TMers)
  9. Talcum Powder (a parody of "sunscreen")
 10. Deeply cursory comments & questions about contemporary life
 11. Update on Classic Songs

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 03:35:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Observations

* April 15th is the income tax deadline in the US.  It makes us
  all feel like REAL Americans -- bled-white and blue.
                           - - - - -

* Remember, when you get a kick in the butt -- it means you're
  out in front of the other guy.
                           - - - - -

* Always wait until you're sure that something can't "come-back"
  before you're nostalgic about it.
                           - - - - -

* A surgeon can always bury his mistakes.  An architect can only
  plant vines/trees.  A Highway Engineer has to put-up a sign.
                           - - - - -

* Experience may be the "best teacher", but name one other form
  of education were the test is given BEFORE the lesson.
                           - - - - -

* Most women have two reasons for doing whatever it is they're
  doing -- the one she tells you, and the REAL reason.
                           - - - - -

* The good thing about whiskey is that a stiff drink often makes
  ya feel like a new man.  The bad thing about whiskey is then
  the "new man" needs a drink too.
                           - - - - -

* Gentlemen, trust me, your wife/girlfriend/S.O. will think you
  very intelligent if you just SAY you understand.  Please don't
  be stupid and try to prove it.
                           - - - - -

* Bureaucrats tend to master the art of "chit-chat" much easier
  than the rest of us because they've learned how to open their
  mouths and speak when they have nothing whatever to say.

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 06:26:17 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/15/99 - Stories in the C&W Bible

NOTE FROM CHRIS:  The New York Times reports that Evangelist Pat
Robertson will be introducing "cooler" versions of the Bible,
in order to attract people who wouldn't normally be interested.
Plans call for Hip-Hop and Country-Western Bible versions, and
the ad campaign will feature MC Hammer (*somebody* will lose
their job over that one) and Charlie Daniels, among others.

       The Top 12 Stories in the Country-Western Bible
                           (Part I)

12> Daniel in the Cheatin', Drinkin' 'n' Lyin' Den

11> "...and even though the people begged to be let upon the
    Ark, Noah did give them the finger."

10> Peter is released from his contract with the Jerusalem
    Apostles after denying three times, in a widening
    illegal-recruiting investigation, that he ever met with
    Coach Jesus improperly.

 9> Robertson 5:15 - "The Story of the *Original*
    'Zionist-Occupied Government'"

 8> Joseph-Bob and the Amazing Rhinestone-Studded Belt Buckle
    of Many Colors

 7> Sodom and Hey, That Feller's Lookin' At You Funny Again!

 6> "...and Bobbi Sue begat Uncle Rufus, and Uncle Rufus begat
    Jo Beth, and Jo Beth begat Cletus..."

 5> Moses leads a mess o' kinfolk through a sea of red necks.

 4> Jesus turns water into Coors Light... and nobody notices!

 3> "Jesus did moan and wail and gnash his teeth for he knew not
    the steps to the Sandal-Scootin' Boogie."

 2> "...and the burning bush his wife showed to Moses turned out
    to be naught but an infection of yeast."

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Story
     in the Country-Western Bible...


 1> "...and on the seventh day, God created JET POWERED FUNNY
    CAR RACES AT THE COLISEUM!!!  SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!"

   [           This list copyright 1999 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@topfive.com   http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
   [    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 06:38:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ralph's Medical Problem  <adult>

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after
several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
prominent urologist.  After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could
be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
 doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen Ralph's
 legs, aren't you?"

          --thanks to Irismist


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 06:58:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Baseball Rules

                Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules

10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit
    it.

 9. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie,"
    "Scooter," or "Pee Wee"

 8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the
    game

 7. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question

 6. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball
    playin' fat dudes?

 5. No more keeping your eye on the ball

 4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite


 3. All players must squat like a catcher for the entire game

 2. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
    before every game

       And Finally, The Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule

 1. 9 players, 8 uniforms

          ----from David Letterman's "Late Show"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 07:33:46 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Tax Time <adult>

I just filed my tax return. I feel a little more confident,
because perjury doesn't seem as important this year.
          ---------------------------

A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she
needed to file her taxes.  The accountant said, "Before we begin,
I'll need to ask a few questions."

He got her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asked, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replied, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balked and said, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman said, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman stated, "I'm a chicken
farmer."

The accountant asked, "What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"
          ---------------------------

I want to join a violent, armed group with no regard for the law,
But the IRS isn't hiring.
          ---------------------------

St. Peter sees an IRS man coming towards the gates of heaven. He
thinks, 'this guys not getting in here,' so he screams out "Hey,
you're not coming in here! You can go to hell... go on, go to
hell!"

The IRS man yells back "I'm not wanting to come in. You've all got
five minutes to get the fuck out!"
          ---------------------------

Don't steal.. The government doesn't like the competition.
          ---------------------------

The IRS says I owe them $15,000.00 . . . . .
I think I'll send them a hammer and a toilet seat.
          ---------------------------

New IRS Form: 4Q69ways

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 11:13:44 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Group Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
he's a doctor.'"

A small voice,Johnny's,  at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher... she's dead."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 12:24:46 -0500
From:    "Don E. Z'Boray" <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: The Ten Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
    because he knew men would never ask directions.

 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the
    TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television,
    they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat
    wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for
    himself.

 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage
    night.

 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have
    to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able
    to handle it.

 4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he
    put his tools.

 3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed
    someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding
    in the garden.

 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."  He
    only ends up getting himself in trouble.

          And the #1 Reason Why God Created Eve is ...

  1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
     scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than
     that!!"


http://www.Newbie.NET/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 14:26:46 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: New Hope for Kosovo or is that No Hope? (May Offend TMers)

               High Flying Ig Winner

John Hagelin, the winner of the 1994 Ig Nobel Peace Prize, has
recently extended his prize-winning work. The following report is
from the April 9 issue of the newsletter "What's New" by Bob Park:

APPLIED PHYSICS: Hagelin Offers to End Violence in Kosovo.

At a Washington press conference this morning, string theorist and
Natural Law Party presidential candidate John Hagelin proposed a
more effective air campaign: an elite corps of 7,000 trained Yogic
flyers. The trained meditators, he explained, would spread
tranquillity with a quantum-mechanical consciousness field. It's
been proven, he said, citing the 1993 Demonstration to Reduce
Violence in Washington, DC. WN covered that demonstration (WN 23
Jul 93). The murder rate in the capital soared to an all-time high
during the 8-week project, but Hagelin later explained it would
have been 18% higher if the meditators hadn't been there
meditating (WN 7 Oct 94). NATO must guarantee the security of the
flyers presumably by force. He was perplexed that Madeleine
Albright had rejected the plan. The press conference ended with 12
trained yogic flyers bouncing around on mattresses. It was clear
to me his plan would work. Serbian troops viewing 7,000 bouncing
yogic flyers would be rendered helpless by laughter.

          --from Marc Abrahams' "Annals of Improbable Research"
            quoting another source ("What's New").

Note: Abrahams' and his confederates yearly award "Ig Nobel" prizes
      for reasons that you may suspect.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 19:05:35 -0600
From:    Paul Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Talcum Powder (a parody of "sunscreen")

Class of 2000 if I had one thing I could tell you to do. It would
be to always use talcum powder. It has been proven that talcum
powder can get rid of dish pan hands.

Maybe you'll be screwed by Y2K...
Maybe you won't.

Maybe your parents will give birth to the millenium baby...
Maybe (most likely) they won't.

Maybe you will start using Viagra when you turn 45...
maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll freak to Puff dady at your 75 birthday party...
Maybe you won't.

Maybe you will be thrown out of the house when you turn 18...
Maybe you won't.

Maybe your girlfriend will dump you for Bill Gates Nephew...
Maybe she won't.

Move to Minnesota...
But don't live to long or you'll freeze.

Move to Florida...
But don't live there to long or you'll roast like a peanut.

Remember your parents will never understand you.
Bill Clinton will always have too many women.
Monica will be known as the biggest slut of the 20th century.
And the American people will continue to be screwed by every
president.

And remember to always wear talcum powder.


(c) Brandon Ruckdashel 1999
All rights reserved.
Circulate this e-mail but remember
to include my copy write message.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 21:49:35 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Deeply cursory comments & questions about
         contemporary life

"Go out of your way to be nice to someone today and see what
happens." I did. I let a young lady cut in front of me in the
left-turn lane while waiting for the light to change. The guy
behind me was upset and rammed my bumper.

Maybe we can trade Bill Clinton for the 3 POW's in Yugoslavia.

I don't think the Serb would take him.

I rather trade Al Gore.

You mean there really was black and white TV? I thought that was
just one my parents made up to scare me.

State operated gambling such as lotteries are not a tax on the
poor. They are a tax on the stupid.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.

Why doesn't Ted Kopel interview Newt Gingrich anymore?

It's funny how too-cool-for-school has now become
too-stupid-too-find-a-job.

I like it when a Southerner calls me a Yankee. It reminds me that
we won the war and the World Series.

I like fishing, but lately it seems that the only time I catch
anything is when I get home.

Dear God: Please make all of the ignorant, careless, drug-abusing
people in this world infertile.

I always considered myself an intelligent and happy blonde-until
yesterday. I drove my new car through the car wash with the sun
roof open. I laughed and cussed in three different langauges.

My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex
lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight, I have an earache."

My 16-year-old daughter took one of my Frank Sinatra CDs and has
been playing it in her room. What will these wacky kids think of
next?

I still like the "Baby Elephant Waltz".


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Apr 1999 19:03:44 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Update on Classic Songs

NOTE FROM CHRIS:  Ever wonder how classic rock songs would change
if the artists decided to re-do them, updating the title to reflect
their current lives?   We did...

The Top Song Titles if the Artists Re-Made Them Today

41> Bobby Darrin -- "Dr. Mack the Knife, Joint Replacement
    Specialist"

40> John Mellencamp -- "R-O-C-K in the I.C.U."

39> Prince -- "Raspberry Beret (and Matching Thong)"

38> Survivor -- "The Ice of the Tiger Balm"

37> The Buggles -- "RealVideo killed the Radio Star"

36> Alice Cooper -- "School's Out, of Ammo"

35> Bonnie Tyler -- "Total Eclipse of My Career"

34> Elvis Costello -- "(What's So Funny, 'Bout) Peace, Love &
    Rheumatism?"

33> Madonna -- "Like a Soccer Mom"

32> The Beach Boys -- "Fun, Fun-- Ouch! My Hip!"

31> The Beach Boys -- "Help Me Up, Rhonda"

30> The Beach Boys -- "Kosovo"

29> The Beatles -- "Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"

28> The Beatles -- "I Want to Hold Your Hand, but Only with Your
    Clearly Expressed Permission"

27> The Beatles -- "If I Fell and Broke My Hip"

26> The Beatles -- "Now I'm Sixty-Four"

25> The Beatles -- "Twist (the Childproof Cap) and Shout (When It
    Doesn't Budge)"

24> The Beatles -- "Why Don't We Do It In The Craftmatic Adjustable
    Bed"

23> The Eagles -- "Pantsful, Queasy Feeling"

22> The Eagles -- "Bed and Breakfast California"

21> The Eagles -- "Passed in the Right Lane"

20> Van Halen -- "Limp!"

19> Aretha Franklin -- "D-E-P-E-N-D-S"

18> Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young -- "Suite: Betty Ford Clinic"

17> The Rolling Stones -- "(I Can't Get No) Satisfactory Erection"

16> The Rolling Stones -- "I Can't Give No Satisfaction"

15> The Rolling Stones -- "Limping Jack Flab"

14> The Rolling Stones -- "Hey! You kids! Get off of my cloud!"

13> The Who -- "(Talkin' 'Bout) My Operation"

12> The Who -- "My Degeneration"

11> Rod Stewart -- "Tonight's The Night (If The Viagra's Alright)"

10> Led Zeppelin -- "Dazed, Confused, and Wearing Adult Diapers

 9> Led Zeppelin -- "Chairlift To Heaven"

 8> Three Dog Night -- "Jeremiah was a Bud Frog..."

 7> James Brown -- "Papa's Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag"

 6> Elton John -- "Saturday Night's All Right For Bingo"

 5> Elton John -- "Saturday Afternoon Nap Is Alright With Me"

 4> Elton John -- "Your Song (Even Though it Launched ME Towards a
    Billion Dollar Career)"

 3> Edwin Starr -- "Limited Engagement With No Clear Exit Strategy!
    What Is It Good For?!"

 2> Yes -- "Owner of a Bypassed Heart"

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song Title
     if the Artist Re-Made It Today...

 1> Men at Work -- "Why Can't I Pee Now?"

This list copyright 1999 by Chris White

          --from Joe Lex
            via The Top 5 List
            http://www.topfive.com

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Apr 1999 to 16 Apr 1999
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