HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1999 to 14 Apr 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 455 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. I needa a Card! (adult)
  2. General Craziness
  3. Kiddie Sayings (Part 1 of 2)
  4. (@$J#MF#$*#HGKG_%L:SDJG()_)KT_#GJOJJGOE
  5. The sound of one band yakking
  6. Two puns and a Limerick
  7. Further evidence against lawyers
  8. Similar Services

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Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 03:17:10 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: I Needa a Card! (adult)

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the
cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed
at your genital organ' cards?"


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 04:17:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: General Craziness

* I knew a girl who was so bowlegged, she had to get out of bed
  at night to turn over.
                           - - - - -

* Like it or not, some progress has drawbacks.  In the old days,
  tires weren't belted -- kids were.
                           - - - - -

* I now have irrefutable proof that insects are dumber than a
  box of rocks.  A mosquito bit Pamela Anderson on the arm.
                           - - - - -

* My neighbor re-seeded and mulched his lawn this year.  Not
  only did no new grass sprout -- four of his sprinklers died.
                           - - - - -

* I tend to get a little dirty doing my yard work.  Mrs JimJr
  washes my clothes twice before sending them to the laundry.
                           - - - - -

* Hillary at least did her part in showing she believed in her
  pronouncement... "It takes a village to raise a child".  She
  married the village idiot.
                           - - - - -

* In keeping with their policy of becoming "customer friendly",
  the Internal Revenue Service here in the US has just added a
  recovery room in all their offices for taxpayer use.
                           - - - - -

* As a service to our members I thought I'd advise y'all of the
  outbreak of a strange flu in the US, dubbed the "Chinese Flu".
  It only has one symptom -- you awake with a strange urge to
  steal nuclear secrets.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 06:30:45 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Kiddie Sayings (Part 1 of 2)

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible, he picked it up and looked at it closely. It
was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
          ******************************

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the
cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her
mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
          ******************************

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk
out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two
men standing by the door? They're hushers."
          ******************************

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page
picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag
and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our
country?"

'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
          ******************************

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a
trembling voice, "Who was that?"
          ******************************

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them
to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about
what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the
server and said, "Just bring them bread and water."

One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup
on it?"
          ******************************

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any
brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
          ******************************

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was
like  "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
 "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

          --thanks to Steve Kilbride


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 08:15:35 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: (@$J#MF#$*#HGKG_%L:SDJG()_)KT_#GJOJJGOE

Hi there friend,

I am sending you this unsolicited e-mail because I feel it is most
important.  The subject line of this message contains the MEANING
OF LIFE!!!  Yes friends, all your hopes and dreams and greatest
ambitions are encapsulated in that jumbled and garbled subject
line.

Of course you cannot make heads nor tails out of it, because it is
encrypted with DES level III encryption with a 2048 bit key. (Don't
even think about trying to crack it yourself)  The reason it is
encoding is for your own protection. What would you think if you
just received the MEANING OF LIFE in an ordinary e-mail message?
You would be disappointed.

So what do you have to do to find out the true meaning behind this
scrambled subject line??  Just send us $50.00 in US funds and we
will send you the 2048 bit key that will unscramble this message
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And that is not all folks, your $50.00 also gets you a copy of the
Greatest Hits of Barry Manilow on 8 track tape along with a Ginzu
knife and, if you can believe it, your very own autographed copy of
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you fame, fortune and happiness.  If you act right now, we will
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ALCATRAZ ISLAND BUSINESS PARK
BIRDMAN MEMORIAL SUITE
POBOX 1BORNEVRYMINUTTT
SAN FRANCISCO CA US

For your convenience and our profit we accept:
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Once again:
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ALCATRAZ ISLAND BUSINESS PARK
BIRDMAN MEMORIAL SUITE
POBOX 1BORNEVRYMINUTTT
SAN FRANCISCO CA US


Offer void where prohibited by law or in states
where there is outstanding litigation pending.

          --via Barb's Jokebook

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 11:18:39 -0400
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: The sound of one band yakking

Recently, we had an interview with Trevor Valentine and Ron Lapse
of "The Marzipan Bunnies," a San Francisco-based band with a
growing following. Here's what they had to say.

BS: So tell me about your band's sound.

TV: Well, imagine that Jim Morrison had been born in 1973, in the
    Ukraine. It's kind of like that, except more punk. With banjos.

RL: Right. It's kind of like ABBA goes hardcore, but without the
    blond ones. It's as if you took everything we learned from ska,
    and ignored it. It's like a speed-metal Squirrel Nut Zippers.

TV: But without the squirrel.

RL: Right, without the squirrel. It's as if you replaced the
    squirrel with a hedgehog or a small side salad, and backed them
    up with the horns from Huey Lewis and the News and the synths
    from the first half of "Rio."

TV: And had Natalie Merchant sing it.

RL: First getting her really drunk and playing "Mall Madness" for a
    while.

TV: And then stuffing her in a trunk with a microphone and having
    her do a Tom Waits impression.

RL: Basically, it's a Bananarama for the nineties, only with a
    early eighties rockabilly-meets-Kraftwerk sensibility. Except
    more so.

TV: It's like you did an electrified cover of an acoustic version
    of Soul Coughing doing "Horse With No Name," but with new
    lyrics that were more like Jack Kerouac getting slapped around
    by a sort of folk-rock En Vogue--

RL: --or Michael Stipe wearing Grace Slick's undergarments circa
    1978.

TV: And you took all that and used it as the backing track to a
    sort of The-Ventures-meet-Van-Halen-at-the-Lilith-Fair
    techno/Arabic track that kind of floats in and out of your
    consciousness like some kind of hairy insect on Ritalin. That,
    plus a sort of Elvis Costello minus Cyndi Lauper stage
    presence, is basically our band.

BS: Ah. I see. Well, I think that just about does it for my
    questions. "The Marzipan Bunnies" will be at The Pillbug Club
    this Thursday, opening for "Rorschach Hot Plate Vanguard."

TV: We will?

RL: Yeah, you remember. They're that sort of Meatloaf-meets-The-
    Archies band, only without the guitars.

TV: Oh, them. I always thought they were more of an industrial
    version of Fun Boy Three with sort of an R&B Tori Amos on lead
    vocals.

RL: Well, that too.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 19:11:10 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two puns and a Limerick

A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered
to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the
full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"

"Eleventh!" she replied.
                    - - - - - - - -

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when
company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest
came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was
missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's
place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says...
he always eats like a horse!"
                    - - - - - - - -

        Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd;
        I am always about in the quad;
                And that's why the tree
                Will continue to be,
        Since observed by Yours Faithfully, God

          --attributed to William Espy

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 14 Apr 1999 04:47:03 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Further evidence against lawyers

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He
asked "Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  The
physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive
the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."  When the lawyer arrived,
the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed,
while the lawyer stood on the other.  The man then laid back and
closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for several minutes, the
physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I
thought I'd check out the same way."
                    - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a
   Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
                    - - - - - - - -

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country
club one-day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their
respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.  A
wager was placed on whom had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the
parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told
by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course
and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.  He dragged the
bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete,
fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates
on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his
dog, "Sliderule, come!"  Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his
stuff.  The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but
reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit,
come!"  Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.  Bullshit
immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies,
auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his
fee, and went outside to play golf.
                    - - - - - - - -

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks
   in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
                    - - - - - - - -

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
                    - - - - - - - -

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a
rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.
Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens
and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first
engineer.  Therefore, engineering is an older profession than
medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up, "Yes, but who do you think created all
of the chaos and confusion?"
                    - - - - - - - -

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and
asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
                    - - - - - - - -

A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"  She said that she did.  He
asked, "Does it hurt you?"  She said that it didn't.  The doctor
then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take
care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.  She asked "You can get pregnant from anal
sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course.  Where do you think attorneys come
from?"
                    - - - - - - - -

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the rest
of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will
stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your
children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and
parents-in-law, the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's
the catch?"
                    - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.
                    - - - - - - - -

A young woman wrote to an agony aunt:  I have a dilemma.  I am
about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my
fiance.  My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict,
and my brother is a lawyer.  My sister sells heroin to the children
at the school down the street.  She started doing that after my
father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem;
I'm wanted in three countries for fraud.  Taking all that into
consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my fiance' about
my brother the lawyer?
                    - - - - - - - -

A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was 350.00 for three
questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"


http://www.catweasel.org

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 13 Apr 1999 21:05:20 -0700
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Similar Services

My husband and I were out for a drive, exploring the eastern shore
of Chesapeake Bay.  On a dusty road we drove by a sun-bleached
house with a porch that extended across the front.  Hanging on one
of the pillars was a sign that said "Income Taxes Prepared."  On
the other porch pillar was a sign:  "Manure for Sale."

          --Roberta Tokarsky Kornfield
            in Reader's Digest

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1999 to 14 Apr 1999
************************************************

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